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Hot and cold, never consistent and a small update


Casmut

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If anyone has been following my recent threads, my ex has been all over the place with signs. Shes been good, then bad, then good and so on but here is an update.

 

Ever since we had our conversation last Friday about bad decision's she has been distant and cold but not completely out of contact. Then Monday night she turns in to a completely different person. Turns out that she found out about a female friend i had made last year after our break up, and how her and i became good friends and talk a lot but we're just friends. I don't know who told her but probably the same mutual friend that told me my ex missed me. She started questioning me on who this girl was and where and when did i meet her and so on. Then she started being VERY nice to me, even flirty.

 

Today she started texting me but not a whole lot, later in the evening she ends up calling me to just chit chat. She asks me if i am okay, i tell her yeah i just have a lot on my mind. Then asks if everything was okay, i reply yeah i'll be fine. I ask her the same question because of the way she has been acting recently and she gives me the same answer i gave her. She basically said she has a lot on her mind but she'll be fine. We hopped off the topic after she said that and went on to random banter until she went to bed and said good night.

 

So now she is being nice to me....

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Patience, patience, patience. It's all about push and pull, if you fee like she is retracting slacken the rope and give her all the rope she needs (some of the best advice Tired Tiger ever given me and I'll never forget it).

 

I mentioned it in another thread, but have you read 'Al Turtles' articles on mirroring, validation and empathy? I think these could really help you understand your ex alot more at the moment and perhaps even get her to share her thoughts and feelings with you.

 

Oh and one final thing, patience!

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Yeah i should be a bit more patient, it has been about 3 months but i realize that these things can take a long time. I have been giving her a lot of space recently, i don't initiate contact at all. I have a few times but i have definitely given the rope some slack.

 

Where can i find the Al Turtles article?

 

Thank you

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Well seems positive to me, heck its better that she's nice and contacting you, rather than cold and distant, right?

 

It's such a confusing and stressful time for our ex's (as it is for us). This rollercoaster of emotions effects every fibre of our being, so it's understandable that her (and your) mood, behaviour and actions can be changable.

 

Keep at it Casmut, hang in there buddy.

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She seems to be responding to jealous feelings about you getting close to someone else. This is definitely a woman who may respond more to you being less available. Give her some of her own medicine. When she contacts you, don't be too quick to respond. Let her brain know you are not sitting around waiting on her, eagerly responding right away. Right now she probably has an image of you simply available for her if and when she's good and ready. Don't let that be the image she has.

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Minou and Diagonal your advice and support through all of this has been just awesome, thank you for it.

 

I like to think its normal to have mood swings, but with her its so hard to tell at times that our roller-coaster seems to get derailed very often. Since this has happened my feelings for her constantly change too so i guess i am being a tad hypocritical. At some moments i feel for her, and at times i could care less. At the moment i am backing off quite a bit but leaving just a little bit to not lose her completely.

 

Minou i think you nailed it there. I don't normally respond to quickly to her, like i mentioned above it really depends on my mood as well. I have had times where i didn't respond to a text for a few hours, not because i was giving it time i just didn't care to reply, and then i have had times where i responded the next minute. I have backed off and she seems to be pushing again, especially since she found out about this girl. For her to ask if i am okay is kind of a big thing since a lot of the time she seems to be all about herself. Thank you for the advice, i will do just that...with patience.

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Yeah Vertigo, i sort of dropped my guard last week and it hurt like hell. Fortunately it went away quickly, i am being far more careful now. If i let it happen again it could be a lot worse.

 

She was jealous of many things during our relationship. For example i am very active and out going and i have many friends. She is the opposite of all of that, she would get upset at me because i made her look boring and feel old. She sometimes did get threatened by other women, there were a few occasions where if she was away at work she would call me, one time when she called me i was at a pub and it was real busy so you could hear a bunch of women in the back round. She ended up joking with me but she did come off as jealous when she said, no touching, in fact don't even look at them and if you have a hoody on put it over your head. Whenever i did go out on the weekends she would often check up on me.

 

Even now while we aren't in the relationship anymore, she sometimes texts me to see what im up to and who im with.

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Doesn't sound like you two are right for each other, to be honest. You two are just too different... If you want this to work, you'll have to tell her to work on two important things;

 

1.) Get friends. Get a job, hobbies, etc. Basically, a life.

2.) Work on her jealousy issues. A little jealousy is okay, but too much is not.

 

Good luck!

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Everyone is telling me not to bother with her since she has to many issues and yeah we are two very different people, almost complete opposites.

 

She has a lot of things to work on to be honest, she has a good job but few friends and almost no life at all. In that regard she says my lifestyle makes her feel old. I still don't know if i want this to work, my heart tells me i do but something else tells me i shouldn't bother at all. When i really think about it she was jealous of many things, she has a clipboard of medical problems(things i always helped her with) and is always on meds. She has to walk around with a case full of different tablets, pills etc just to keep her going every day. A lot of her finances go towards her medical bills. Myself on the other hand, i am pretty healthy i am on no meds, i have injuries from sports and the Army but i also have a very high tolerance to pain. She would get jealous over this sort of thing, she would often say i make her look bad and would ask me how i felt having a broken girlfriend.

 

I really want to approach her and discuss our break up but i am afraid to do so, and i am trying to be as patient as i can.

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There's a scientific study on how mates choose each other. Based on the sense of smell, you can pick up medical dispositions, and if they relate...ever notice how some married couples, their families will have similar backgrounds, heart conditions, cancers, great health, etc...just something to think about...

 

Why are you afraid to talk to her about it? I find as long as it towards a progressive result over dic*-misery...it'll be fine.

 

Still think she's not good enough for you. But you need to know why she did what she did...only way you'll find out is to ask, and in some cases, you still never get a straight answer. She may say things that you don't wanna hear...but better sooner than later, so you can either move on or move forward.

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I didn't say Casmut is "godly" or the epitome of all good men...but saying you're total opposites implies that you're both good & bad, different, but on equal footing.

 

Nobody's perfect...

 

And I think, yes, his ex, is a selfish butt-munch, and he can do 20 times better.

 

She stunts the guy in every way and cramps his style...doesn't make him better for it.

 

Now if you're total opposites...doesn't mean anything if you have so much to offer one another.

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And diagonal (sorry for minor hi-jacking, Casmut)...I read your thread about the whole neglect. My ex whom I'm working things out with right now, well, he's my guy now...total neglect (World of Warcraft - I am so not one of those losers) and abandonment...ya wanna know how to make it up to her? You have to not disregard her feelings, don't lighten your own f-ups with excuses...really believe and understand the detriment behind them, and give it time. In the meantime, even though she says, she wants you to be yourself...this is your chance...be the guy she deserves.

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Its hard to say why i am afraid to approach her about the situation, i don't want to lose that contact again since the timing is about the same as last year and at the same time i want her to fess up to it without me having to ask her. I don't see why i should be the one to approach the situation but honestly i really would like to know what exactly happened because i didn't buy her reasoning for the break up for a minute. I'd like to know even if it may hurt me.

 

Tattoo you aren't the first person to say she is lame lol many people have, and a lot of my friends are telling me to just tell her to F off and be done with it. Its just so much easier said than done. You are right nobody's perfect, i have many faults, but i like to think i am an alright guy, i do appreciate your kind words, you make a lot of sense and you're supporting what may be the better way to do things, so thank you for that. I know i can do better, i just don't see why or how i may feel the way i do towards my ex even if she is being a butt-munch.

 

Don't worry about hijacking the thread, i make these posts to seek advice and at the same time hope that others can learn from it as well. So any advice is good advice no matter who its aimed at.

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Hey Casmut,

 

Would I be safe in assuming that you're looking for the communication and overall situation to improve between you two? If so, then devaluing and insulting your ex (as has been suggested) is the exact kind of negativity that needs to be avoided. Classifying her as "lame" (or any other derogatory term) is totally unproductive towards improving relations. It's negativity, plain and simple.

 

It seems as if she has issues of insecurity and possibly self-esteem. If you're looking to improve the dynamic between the two of you, Google the terms "positive reinforcement", and "mirroring and validation". A positive and compassionate approach will always trump negativity, regardless of the final outcome.

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Thank you Tiger

 

While i agree that bringing her down or insulting her isn't the greatest thing to do, she has been really frustrating me with how she has been acting, even good or bad there is just no consistency. I do want our communication to improve and i also would like to get our cards out on the table, there is no doubt with that, at the end of the day though i just don't know what i really want to do with the whole thing.

 

She is very insecure and has low-self esteem. For example today she questioned me again about some girl i know and it went like this "by the way, who the f*** is C?!" C referring to the other girl. I told her it was a friend and thats it. She started complaining that this weekend is going to suck for her because her roommates are throwing a party and its for couples only and she can't be there...so i don't know if she was trying to hint at something or just wanted to say it.

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...total neglect ... and abandonment...ya wanna know how to make it up to her? You have to not disregard her feelings, don't lighten your own f-ups with excuses...really believe and understand the detriment behind them, and give it time. In the meantime, even though she says, she wants you to be yourself...this is your chance...be the guy she deserves.

 

This is an excellent point. She was hurting at the end of your relationship. I'm not saying she's exactly right, but it's sooo important to acknowledge the other person's feelings before you can get into a good give and take conversation. Good luck my friend.

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Well we ended last night like the nights before last weekend, she was being very nice to me again and just passed out while we were on the phone. I am still pondering about what she said about her roommates party and it being a couples only party so she can't be there. I am wondering if she meant to say that to tell me she is single still and trying to throw a hint at me or if she was just venting because she was being forced out of the place temporarily.

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