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hiplove79

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Okay this one is for my friend who is also my roommate.

 

My friend has been dating this guy for 3 months and they spend all of their time together. Now I realize when a relationship is new, it’s fun, thrilling and you feel on cloud 9 – I get it. The problem is that both of them have had some really bad relationships in the past. My friend has just got her divorce finalized not even 6 months ago and right before she got with her current man, she was dating her ex husband again, right after another relationship with a guy she cheated with her ex husband with fell apart.

 

I had told her time and time again, spend time by yourself before you jump into another relationship, but I digress. She knows her issues and deep down she knows her motives.

 

The boyfriend who I don’t really have that much information on has a habit of dating wild psychotic women. I know there are two sides to every story, but she has not taken time to even find out his whole story with these so call “crazy women.” After they were together a few weeks he gave her a picture of them with the portrait displaying “Love.” I thought it was kinda of weird, she didn’t see it as a big deal. A couple of weeks after he told her he loved her; in about a month and half time. Before they had even been together for a month she had already met his family as they spent Christmas together. She has been around the family a lot since and they love her.

 

There were major problems within the first 2 months because the ex husband was trying to break them up, plus there were issues surrounding his ex, that he seemed a little hidden about. While her ex husband is nothing to brag home to mother about, I do feel kinda bad for him, because one day they were going to get back together for the kids’ sake and then the next she was with a new guy and treated the ex like crap.

 

Ahh! The kids aged 6 and 3. This is the part that worries me the most. For one she threw this man into their lives at like 2 weeks. She admits that it was wrong but says, “Well they seem to be okay and they really like him.” Every since my friend and her guy have been together, they spend ALL of their time with one another; he sleeps over here every night. Again I understand the newness of it.

 

The problem that I am seeing is that she is neglecting her kids, she hasn’t spent any alone time with them since he has came into the picture. When he is around, all her focus is on him and the kids are left to find ways to amuse themselves. The brief time that she was alone, she spent a lot of time with the kids. Now that he is here, she acts as though she doesn’t need or want their attention anymore. It’s pretty heartbreaking to watch actually. Before she swore up and down she would NEVER let her kids meet a guy too soon and that she would ALWAYS put her children first.

 

Another problem that I see is that they are both clinging to one another and both seem to enable this behavior. I would say it’s him more than her though. She had a dinner meeting with her co-workers; he invited himself even after she told him it will be just women and they will probably just talk shop, plus other girly things. She had a female friend come over who is leaving state because her husband is in the military and my friend’s boyfriend had to be there. She had another female friend who she offered to come over because she was having issues with her roommate and got angry when the woman turned her down because my friend’s boyfriend was going to be there.

 

I tried to explain to my friend, that not everyone enjoys her boyfriend has much as she does and sometimes you just need your friends, she didn’t get it. He doesn’t seem to want her to spend anytime, anywhere if he is not there.

 

Alright so where am I going with all of this? Well the boyfriend has made the suggestion of moving in. He pretty much stated that he wants it to happen and he is making it happen. My friend just giggles and says, “Well I guess he’s moving in.” Thankfully I’m moving out in a month, lol. Anyway she wants my opinion on it. I told her, “Wait, why are you rushing? What do you really know about him? How is this going to affect your kids? This whole thing seems a little off.” Her response is, “Well he’s over here every night anyway, how is this different?”

 

She still wants me to give a breakdown on why it isn’t a good idea. She says that she doesn’t have anyone else to talk about this with. Incidentally, his friends and family are talking about him moving in, like this is a good thing. I’m watching her act all coy as though she doesn’t have a choice in the matter, “I mean why not?” Remember it’s been 3 months. They are aware of her children and the issues surrounding the ex husband.

 

Okay here is the deal. How many times have you watch friends in relationships that you knew weren’t healthy? Basically you sit back and just watch for all the red flags. You don’t say anything until the crap starts to hit the fan. You may throw out a couple of warnings, but you know how they will be received when the friend is “in love” and “has never met anyone like this before.”

 

Like I say we live together, but I give her and him their space. For the 3 months they have been together I have spent maybe a full 24 hours total give or take around the guy. I gotta tell ya, my gut doesn’t like him at all. I’m hardly every wrong when it comes to these kinds of things. I see something in him that I can’t put my finger on, but the pieces are slowly starting to come together. And her behavior is very shocking to me as well.

 

There are certain things he has said, ways he has behaved around me that sets me on edge. I can tell that he doesn’t care for me either, he tries to play nice but I know he wants me gone. He well aware that she talks to me about everything and I calls’ how I sees’ em. I have a feeling when I move out the dynamics are going to change in the relationship.

 

I can already tell he wants to start disciplining her kids and control what they can and cannot do. They constantly use me as the babysitter and I don’t what they are going to do when I move out. But I see that this going to be just one of the problems that they are going to have.

 

There are a lot of things I haven’t mentioned to her, because it is not my job to nitpick her relationship, nor do I want to. She is a grown woman and she needs to learn to make her own wise decisions, she’s 30. She has a brain, but as her friend I can say that when it comes to men and relationships she does not use it. She constantly wants me to hold her hand in every scenario and honestly I’m getting tired of it.

 

Every time I tell her something it comes to true. But it is infuriating b/c she asks my opinion but gets angry and defensive when I tell her the truth. As addicted as she is to this guy, I think if I was really honest with her it could cost us our friendship or at the least create a lot of tension.

 

I told her that it’s kinda of unfair to ask me to give her a breakdown. One, there hasn’t been a long history between the two. Two, I haven’t spent much time around him. Three, all I have to go by what she tells me or doesn’t tell me. Four, while I have gut feelings I don’t like to speak about it until I have definite proof and/or see patterns. Five, I have my own crap to worry about and don’t have time to once again solve one of her problems.

 

As her friend I really don’t know what to do or say to her at this point. Regardless of whatever I say, dude is moving in. She hasn’t confirmed that 100%, but you can tell when someone’s mind is already made up on something. She has a vision of this utopia; this guy happens comes from a lot of money. She thinks that he is going to move in, pay all the bills so she doesn’t have to work and live happily ever after. I know her and I know this is what’s going through her head.

 

But I see this man as a control freak, that will cut everyone out of her life and there will be issues with the kids. What is also strange is that his family seems to support this rush in their relationship. She has no other real friends (that aren’t idiots and their own idiotic relationships) and her family treats her like crap (partly which is her own fault).

 

Do you think as a friend, I should just tell her to solve her own problems and just be there for her if or when things blow up? Or should I try to warn her about the potential issues that I see, even to the point of alerting to her how she is neglecting her kids? I told her that I am not ready to have this discussion with her right now, because I need time to find my words. I really don’t know how to handle this situation with her but I am sick and tired of always being the one to help her with ALL of her relationship issues that she causes herself.

 

I told her before that she needs a therapist and I truly mean that. I care about her, but she really does need professional help with her self-esteem and fear of being alone. She is actually the kind of girl who will spend her life in and out of abusive relationships. Her constant bad choices, refusal to grow up and accept responsibility is draining me. I’m wondering when I move out, should I slowly let our friendship die as it is getting to the point to where I am feeling used. And frankly I am just about done with her crazy making ways and drama that finds ways to seep into my life. Additionally this thing is feeling a little to co-dependent for my taste.

 

Sorry this is so freaking long. I just wanted to provide a back story so you have something to work with. If I didn’t care about her I wouldn’t waste the time seeking others opinions. This situation that she is putting her and her children through is mind-boggling. This is the worst thing I have witnessed from her and she seems to be getting more delusional.

 

I seem to be her only support system. Am I overacting? Over-protective? Do I owe her an explanation of what I see and try to warn her even though it could affect our friendship? I only have a month left here and I would prefer things to remain peaceful. Tact isn’t my strongest suit. What would you do if this was your friend?

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Hiplove, as you said your friend needs professional help. You have been doing all you can as a great friend. There is nothing else left here for you to do.

 

I would suggest you move out as soon as you can and leave her be. This kind of friend is poisoning.

 

She has to be responsible for her behaviour and choices. She wont change unless she has made up her mind to change.

 

You sound a great friend but I dont think there's more you can do here but run away for your own sanity.

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Thank you Wgg for reading my long-winded post, lol. And thank you for the reply.

 

You of course are right. When you have a friend you try to look at the good and the bad. She has been there before when I needed her, but our friendship is an unbalanced one. I do feel guilty because its like watching her fall on her face and not even trying to help her before she hits the ground. Also I feel bad that she doesn't have much of a support system. Then the kids, man. I've grown to love and care about those little boys.

 

Yet I have to realize when a friendship has become an unhealthy one. I'm not her therapist, I'm not her mother and I'm most definitely not her psychic. I think when I move out I will just wash my hands of her. I hate to that, but the way she's going and if my suspicions are right she's in for a rude awakening.

 

I don't do drama in my life and I cut out people who like to bring it. It's sad because while I knew she had problems, I didn't realize she would start taking drastic turns for the worse. I will wish her well and will light a candle for her, but as my mother always said, "People help those who try to help themselves." She doesn't want to help herself, nothing more I can do for her.

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hiplove, I understand how you are feeling about wanting the best for your friend and trying all your best to help her.

 

You have already done all you can as a friend but its fruitless. It has to be her to wake up to realize what a disaster she is making.

 

Yes, about her innocent kids, its really hard to cut that ties. But what else you can do? It sounds that her family is ditching her for her own fault, after all you are just a friend.

 

On the other hand, she will never grow up if you are always there for help which is to no avail.

 

Do not get too involved into her life which will do you no good. Maybe you could find a balance that you can check on the kids sometimes. Still, I would suggest staying away from this woman as far as you could. You can only wish her the best. This is her life. She has to do all the job.

 

Dont feel bad you are watching all this happen. She would NOT let you help her. You did your best.

 

It's sad. But like what your mother said. That's so true.

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