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Don't know where to begin


tony-pon

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Hi everyone. I have a whole bunch of different problems, but I hope that you can help me out.

 

Thing is, I think of myself as terribly bashful and love-shy--I only had one short-term girlfriend in my first year of college, and since then I have tried to go out for coffee about two or three times, but never anything much. I've never had sex. My frustration with my dating inexperience has also made my depression problem even worse. I am seeing a therapist, but there are many days when I just don't even want to leave my room.

 

I recognize many of the problems with "nice guy"-dom (changing my opinion to suit the woman's, trying too hard to please her, etc.) and try my best to avoid them, but I don't think that stops women from seeing me that way because I'm so shy in the first place. One time, I had to have a few drinks before I could work up the courage to talk to a woman in a bar. I knew that was a bad thing to do, but I couldn't see any other option.

 

Also, right now, my dating activity is mostly restricted to online dating. I've been a member of various dating sites (link removed, Plentyoffish, OkCupid) for well over a year now, and I haven't really gotten anywhere. I've had a little correspondence with some women, but those have always been initiated by the woman. I've seen several women that appeal to me, but I don't know how to start a conversation or even write a good profile. (Ironically, I'm actually a really skilled writer in other things.) On the other hand, I'll be the first to admit that my height puts me at a disadvantage (I'm 5'10"), and I'm average as far as looks. I just can't get past the self-doubt, wondering why any woman would ever want to date me.

 

I really want to change, but I just don't know where to start, apart from recognizing that I have a problem. I know all this sounds like 85% of the people who post here, but I'd greatly appreciate any suggestions you have.

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If a girl likes you, she likes you for who you are and not exactly how you look, physical attraction is obviously a big thing but that doesn't matter if you don't actually like the person. I went on a date with a girl who in my books was a 10 and i'm not the greatest looking guy out there, however i made her laugh so it seemed to help..but at the end of it all i found her to be quite dumb and it was actually a total turn off and i never pursued her.

 

You can't really change yourself per say but you can build upon yourself and discover qualities you never knew you had, you just need to break out of your shell. There will be a few points in your life where you desire to do things that you normally wouldn't do. For me i remember once i got hit in the face pretty damn hard playing Hockey, and you know what..it felt pretty good even though i needed stitches and damaged some nerves, the adrenaline kick left me wanting more. I ended up joining the Army and 2 years later i am still in the Army(injured). And i have done things since then that i would only dream of. Another turning point is when my ex dumped me, it was awful at first but i used my emotion in a positive way and again pushed myself to do things i normally wouldn't do back in the day. And of of course my confidence went through the roof, making talking to women a lot easier.

 

I am not saying to go out and get hit in the face or anything, but one day things are just going to click. I often find that when you aren't trying or looking you end up with something you wouldn't expect.

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Which is one of the reasons I don't try as hard as I used to. My friends used to tell me a long time ago that I just tried too hard. And for years, I never quite understood what that meant. Trying too hard?? I thought you were supposed to go after the things you wanted? I'd say to myself. But oneday, I just got it, like that. And I stopped looking, I stopped looking. Then eventually I did meet someone. We dated for three years and it was a pretty decent relationship. Things eventually didn't workout, but I was blessed to at least have experienced the love, longevity and I hope to see it again someday.

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