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Ex is confused - need advice on what to do.


Sylla88

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Hi everybody

 

I stumbled upon this site after my breakup with my ex, and I have been reading a lot here to get advice and keep my spirits up. But as no situations are alike, I would really like to tell you my story and hear what people think.

 

My ex and I dated for 6 years, and lived together for 2. We were high school sweethearts and fell madly in love from the beginning. Since then we have had a great relationship, but of course we have had our ups and downs. We have broken up before after some bad arguments, but it has never lasted for more than a day or two. Last summer, after he had been away for work for 2 weeks, he proposed to me. We also talked about how we looked forward to starting a family. But this fall things haven’t been too good. We have had many arguments about insignificant things, and looking back I see that it was from a lack of communication on both our parts. Whenever we had a bad day at work or elsewhere, we would lash out at each other about stupid things like socks on the floor or the wrong type of milk. It got to the point where we argued every day, but we always made up and apologized. When things got too heated, he would withdraw completely from me and go to bed or sit on his computer, and I would follow him, bugging him, and trying to work things out. I guess I had this need to know that everything was okay, even when it was him that had done something wrong, I ended up being the one to apologize. I knew that if I just let it go, he would pretend like everything was okay the next day, while I still felt hurt.

 

 

Well, about a month ago, we had a really bad argument, and stayed up late arguing. Or I argued, while he tried to avoid me. The next morning he broke up with me. So I moved out, and acted cool about it. I thought we would work things out fast, so I tried to act happy around him. But when I saw that it wouldn’t work out quickly, I started the whole text-message terrorism, pleading with him to think about what he has doing. Of course this only pushed him further away. Since then things have been up and down. We have spent some great time together laughing and having fun, at least until I get upset. I have also been intimate with him. I guess that was to make him see what he was losing, but of course that wasn’t very smart and only made me feel worse. He says that he is really confused about everything. Not only me, but also his job, which he hates. The first two weeks after we broke up he was on sick-leave from work. Since the breakup I have spent a lot of time working on myself, trying to figure out why I was so needy and insecure, in order to not make that mistake in the next relationship, whether it’s with him or not.

 

So, right now I am in limbo. At the end of last week he said he didn’t want to see me again. So I said okay, and backed off. Then on Sunday, he said again that he was confused and didn’t know what would happen. Since last week I have stopped contacting him, but I do reply whenever he contacts me. Today was also the first day he called me since the breakup. So, I guess I am wondering is if this is the best way to do things? To stop contacting him, back off, and give us both time to think and figure things out? Should I keep answering when he contacts me, or would no contact be better for a while? Also, I really want to show him that I am in a lot better place mentally than before, but I don’t know how to do that when I never see him. Do you guys think he will notice that, now that I have stopped contacting him and whenever we do talk I act happy and never bring up the relationship?

 

Sorry for the long post. I would really appreciate any feedback or advice. I really want him back, but I also want to make sure that we don’t just go back to the same old ways. I feel like I have evolved a lot the last month and still am, so I really believe we could be happy.

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Honestly, a month is not long enough to properly evolve and change, especially when it is fuelled by emotional distress and need. You have only just started to understand what the issues were and y still wanting him ack, you are acting fairly normally.

 

Ultimately, you need to stop trying to show him what he is missing and allow him to work through his own issues in his own time. You need to be strong and tell him he shouldn't contact you until he is in a better emotional state. Tell him you are still there for him, but that he needs the time away from you as you need the time away from him.

 

Things can work again, but only once his confusion has passed, but you must be able to accept that happiness for both of you might be away from each other, permanently. I'm not saying this is what should happen, but what may happen.

 

Keep evolving, keep expressing yourself here and hold onto your heart. Be honest and good to yourself.

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