Jump to content

How do I show him I´ve changed??


Drammen

Recommended Posts

My long-term live in partner of 8 years moved out suddenly about 4 months ago. At the time he became very hostile and shut off, leaving me to deal with the practicalities of moving out our stuff.

 

I admit that I've had anger problems for years, stemming from illness, volatile family relationships and childhoood issues. I took him for granted , used him as an emotional crutch and was verbally abusive at times. We had been together despite our ups and downs - he had issues too, with his family and career prospects. But I loved him dearly and believed he did too. When he left he screamed that he still loved me but couldn't live with me.

 

Since the break-up I have had the space I obviously needed all along to get perspective and sort my anger out. I just don't think that way any more. I have tried to communicate this to him, by phone at first, but then he began ignoring me so I emailed him a lengthy revelation of how sory I was and how I'v changed. But this has met an uncaring and degrading response from him. He has only voluntarily contacted me once, after 3 weeks of no contact about 2 months into the break-up.

 

I still love him and want a future with him, but I don;t think there is any chance he will want to know. I found out he was on a dating website one month after he left me.

 

Do you think I can show him I've changed? Will it matter? How to I go about it, when he won't respond to any communication?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you have already made it clear how you feel and it seems the damage that was done was too much for him to want to risk it occurring again. I'm afraid your best bet is to assume the relationship is over and move on. He may change his mind sometime in the future but you should not depend on that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like you've been working hard on yourself which is great - but if he's not open to the "new you" then there's not much you can do. It also seems as though he's very hurt by his behavior now. Try e-mailing him one more time explaining how you imagine he must have felt experiencing your behavior and specifics of what you've been working on changing. If you offer sincere apologies and still no positive response from him, perhaps it's time to move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all, congrats on sorting out your emotions. Good thing instead of going down a negative path you are on your way to healing and recovering, for that, you should be given praise for your efforts. There is much more work for you to do.

Sounds like this anger problem stems from years and years of abuse and or negativity. Personally, if I was him, I would probably wait for you to say you are seeking counciling, professional help. If you feel that you are healed and you dont think that way anymore, then it shouldnt be a problem to go see a therapist for a few sessons to see where you are, to see if you had made real progress or you are just repressing your anger cause he is not there.

If I were him, I would want to hear you are seeing a professional, maybe going to anger management classes and doing the real steps needed to rid yourself of your anger. I would say go seek professional help, not to get him back but for you, for your future and your future relationships with everyone you meet weather be friends, work, strangers.

If you truly feel you no longer have thoughts, then no problem in going, then every so often tell you X the steps you are taking.

I know if I were him.. its what I would wait for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

In my own personal experience, people don't often change overnight (after 4 months) after an 8-year behavior pattern. Sadly, breakups can kick in the 'please don't leave me' response. Give YOURSELF time and space, say a few more months, to work through your issues. I doubt, and I can see why your partner doubts, that fundamental change happens that fast.

 

Keep working on you .... you are doing great and I don't want to encourage you. I'm just saying keep moving forward and give yourself more time to unpack those long-held issues. Whether or not you find your way back to each other, you will be better for it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...