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This Week's Feelings: Am I "Getting Used" To Idea That Matt is Dead?


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Admittedly, it took me a few seconds to write "dead" and I still don't feel comfortable with that word in reference to Matt. It feels more like he has gone on a trip and could be back at any moment. Logically, I know that is not possible, and as was reiterated in my grief group "what happened is permanent" (that gave me a shudder).....But there is still the emotional and spiritual mind that feels as though Matt is still here.

 

However, this week I have had moments where I feel a little different. Sometimes it seems I am starting to get used to the idea that Matt is no longer here. I can drive by his apartment now and not feel so much pain, even though it is still difficult to think about what happened.

 

Also, I have had a couple of dreams that have felt infused with Matt's spirit, have felt like pathways to healing certain aspects of guilt concerning significant events and issues between us.

 

But in this lessening of the real rawness of the pain, I feel saddened. It seems as though time is making Matt more a ghost than a person who lived and loved. I feel confused and scared....Has anyone felt a sense of remorse, panic, confusion, when the intense pain starts decreasing?

 

Why does it feel like a betrayal to Matt's spirit?

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BL,

This is very common. Time is healing you, yet you feel resentment for not grieving as hard as before. It's a Catch 22 situation, you want to heal, but not at the cost of losing their memory.

 

I remember feeling devastated when her favorite shirt no longer had her scent on it, I felt that someone had stolen another memory of her.

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It's easy to feel guilty, but really it's healthy to acknowledge death. I think of it as letting the spirit rest even in your mind. It's hard, but it's a very good hard thing. I remember for three months not being able to look at the word "suicide" and breaking down at any casual "I'm going to kill myself" comment. Your going through the ups and downs, ins and outs of grief. It's tough, but know that it gets better. And your headed down the right path. Matt, I think, would wish the best for you too.

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