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I need time to sort through my feelings and find myself


GrowingUp

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I am reconciling with my boyfriend. We have been together for 8 years. We just go back together and he said that he wants to start thinking about a real future together. Getting engaged, talking about having kids. He said that he has found himself and he knows what he wants out of life and our relationship. I feel like I want a family too someday I'm 29 he is 31. Sometimes I need time to myself to think about things and sometimes I just want to be alone. Is this wrong being in a relationship? How do I balance my life. It seems like whenever I get into a relationship all I do is worry about the other person...if they are happy..what they are doing when they are not with me, if they are genuine about how they feel about me..blah blah blah. I just want to be able to relax and enjoy the relationship without always worrying about what could go wrong. Does anyone else ever feel like this? I always wonder what if he doesn't love me or what if it doesn't work out..what if what if what if. I wonder if he is treating me right or if I'm good enough. Its so hard being in a relationship.

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I think everyone has worries about such things, you are certainly no aberration. Personally, I have deliberately turned down women interested in me far many of the same reasons you have listed there. Some might say this is stabbing myself in the foot but I have always felt it is right.

 

The only person that can tell you if you are ready to settle down is yourself. But if you have these concerns then the person to talk to is your partner. No one said relationships are easy, but nothing worth having ever is .

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Well I don't know if its my gut telling me something, I personally think its just me being paranoid and anxious about everything in my life. A lot of the time I feel this way about all aspects of my life but when I get in a relationship thats the main thing I worry about. I don't know what to do.

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Honestly, I feel like that when I'm in a relationship. I think part of what you're feeling is just a natural part of being in a relationship - it is a constant balancing act.

 

It's true that when you're on your own, you learn to look after your own needs and focus on yourself. If you left him now, sure, you'd be able to spend more time on yourself and experience that personal growth you seek. But my understanding of it is, if you're not good at managing these feelings when you're in a relationship, once you (eventually) get back into a relationship you're likely to fall back into this scenario anyway.

 

How much in your life do you do on your own, compared to "together" in terms of activities and such? Do you ever hang out with your friends on your own? How much ME time do you really get?

 

You mentioned always worrying about the other person, and I have a tendency to do that too; it's so easy to become dependent on the other person. But I think if you try, you can balance this better and reduce these feelings if you focus on doing some things on your own, solely for yourself. Even if it is just for the sole reason of doing it on your own, and having some ME time.

 

If your partner asks, just reassure him that things are okay, and that you just need some ME time, and he should support you in this.

 

A relationship with someone else should not be your life, but should be complimentary to your life.

 

I'm a little sleepy, does that help at all?

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Gosh this does help me a lot. It actually makes me feel better and a bit normal. I have never really been in relationship where we took time for ourselves. We have always been stuck at the hip, always together and I think thats why I feel this way. I need to become more healthy in this relationship and trust more. All my life I have had trust issues and I am working through them very well lately.

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