Drowing...

[Nalaya]

August 17th, 2008 my mother had a seizure and we discovered she had a malignant brain tumor that doubled in size in 2 weeks. I watched my mother wither away in such a short time. She didn't know who we were. She was my rock. She was my everything. I was raised in a single parent household. So to see my mom this way shook my world. It still devastates me. I have nightmares of the seizures. During the midst of this nightmare I found out I was pregnant.

 

Over the next few months tiny tiny pieces of my mom came back. The doctors said that all the damage would make her have memory loss and various other things. We were happy as long as she was alive and well. The radiation worked and she completed her radiation April 15th, 2009.

 

April 16th, The very next day I had pregnancy complications and had an emergency c-section. My baby was a month premature but very healthy. We were all so happy. I was happy that my mom was holding my baby. There were moments where I would just cry because I worried that she wouldn't be able to.

 

April 17th, My sister overdosed and died. She went to the states for custody court to get her son back and bring him back to Canada. There was drama with her ex and we don't know the whole story but 4 days before court she over dosed and died. My family didn't want to tell me right away b/c I was still recovering from the surgery. I found out and it tore me up. They brought her home so we had a lovely wake/funeral. I took my then 10 day old baby to see his aunt. It was so hard.

 

 

I felt I didn't have much time to grieve. How could I be so selfish when I had a crying new born baby to care for, and a mother who was still sick from the radiation. A brother who was contemplating suicide. I'm the youngest of 5, but I'm the rescuer. I'm the shoulder to cry on, I'm the Dr.Phil whenever they have a problem. My other sister recently tried to commit suicide. Shes 5 months pregnant and has a 7 year old son. I feel as if I need to be closer to home to save her. She doesn't open up to anyone else but me. She says it all the time. So I feel as if her suffering is b/c I'm not there to help. She won't get counseling.

 

I was doing well with coping until today. Its my sisters 23rd birthday or what should be. I blame her death on myself. I feel as if I played a role in it because of our past. I could have prevented things from play out this way. Today my boyfriend decides to tell me he doesn't think our relationship will last, and that he thinks I'm unfulfilled and settling and that we're too different. My baby is teething. Just having a really crappy day. I just want to pick up and run. Just run away and forget it all. =( I feel like a bad mom because I'm so broken today and easily frustrated with his cries. My boyfriend has long days at school this week and I live 5 hours from any family who can come and help.

 

 

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I am sorry for all the rough times you have been having. Have you thought about talking to a grief counsellor to help you process everything? Is your boyfriend leaving you? Why did he say he thinks you are settling? How has your relationship with him been? Is he a good father to his baby?

[Nalaya]

We're at a stand still right now. I have no clue he had any doubts or issues. I thought things were great. We rarely ever fight or argue. We talk about everything so this came as a big surprise. The past few days he became distant and I asked him what was up but he shrugged it off as nothing serious. So finally today i got it out of him. He said that he feels as if I'm too smart for him and he struggles to maintain a conversation with me. Says that I understand things and life on a whole different level that he's barely able to grasp. He thinks I would be happier with someone else. He wants to be able to drink and smoke because he claims it makes him happy and I'm against it. So he doesn't do it because it hurts me. I told him if he wanted to then we can try it out and see if our relationship improves. Yes he's an amazing father. Just busy going to college full time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why would you want to be with someone who clearly feels so insecure that rather than be proud of who you are he just feels inferior and wants to end the relationship because of his own hangups. Also, you have a child and he wants to suddenly start drinking and smoking..to be the "bad boy" because he feels so stifled by you! I would let this guy go..he sounds very immature.