Advice needed on how I should deal with this situation!

[maverick554]

So my gf and I have been together about a year and everything has been better than I ever could have imagined. But yesterday I saw something that upset me on facebook. I saw that she had wrote on the profile of this guy who she used to know (he was part of her circle of friends in high school I believe) who moved away that she stays in touch with via FB. This guy already kind of irritates me because he is constantly commenting on her profile and from his posts I get the impression that he may like her. She hardly every comments on his profile. So this guy lives several states away, a plane-ride away, but he is coming to our area for a wedding in the next few months of someone both he and my gf know, he is going but my gf is not. So my gf wrote on his wall to tell him to let her know if he will be able to "grab a few beers" with her while he is in our area. I saw that hee responded that he's not sure what his plans are but he will try to come down and see "everyone." Now I do trust my gf and don't think she would ever cheat on me, and I'm trying not to be paranoid, but what bothers me is that she didn't say anything to me about it, so in a way I feel like shes kind of doing it behind my back. Again I do trust her and I really don't think there is anything shady going on, but I am human and have insecurities like anyone else. If she wants to catch up with an old friend who she hasn't seen in a while I'm perfectly ok with that, but I really think that because she is in a relationship with me that she should include me in her plans because he is a guy. And I will admit that I do have alot of scars from past relationships where I was cheated on which doesn't help my thought process. I'm kind of tempted to say something to her about it, but I'm worried in doing so I will be way out of line, and I don't want to come off as paranoid, untrusting, or snooping; which I'm afraid will cause tension between us and possibly cause a big fight or worse. Am I making too much of this? If anyone has any advice or insight for me I would greatly appreciate it. Than you for reading I know it is long.

[furiouspsych]

I don't think you're making too much of this, all you've done is vent about it on here right? I had the same issue with a girl I was only talking to, so I couldn't say anything about it. While your GF is probably not doing anything wrong, it wouldn't hurt to lightly mention it to her, just so she knows you're aware. She may reassure u that it's harmless and make u feel better. Don't ignore ur gut feeling, whatever that is...

[coyote1980]

I'd feel the same way if I were you.

I wouldn't want my bf to go out with a female friend just 1on1 to anywhere that alcohol gets involved. Alcohol impairs judgment, and you have every right to feel this way.

 

She might mention it when the time comes. Or maybe she is just saying that and doesn't really mean it. All I can say is wait and see.

[wayoverit]

I caution you not to say a thing about it. It does more harm than good. All the things you said you're not, well you are being "paranoid, untrusting, or snooping" and that's what she'll be thinking from that point on. People are not dumb. The only thing she expects from you is be the generous person that she thinks you are. Just relax and let things happen as it is. If she does end up cheating on you, so be it, let go, and move on because you don't want to be on your guard your whole entire life.

[maverick554]

So far I like these responses. wayoverit, I agree with you that saying something will do more harm than good and that I should just wait it out to see what happens. As you and coyote said she may be waiting to say something to me until she is sure of what her plans will be, I don't think this wedding is supposed to happen for a few more months or maybe even later in the year. And coyote I also agree with you that it is wrong for someone in a relationship to hang out with an opposite-sex friend 1 on 1, which is exactly what I am trying to avoid happening. Thank you for the responses, keep them coming.

[ca-sunshine]

Don't worry, you're not over-reacting. You didn't start a fight with her about it and you aren't letting it fester inside you. Like the above poster said, you're just venting and asking for advice. I think you SHOULD have some (just a healthy amount of) concern, not necessarily about just this guy, but about any guy who might be paying more than friendly attention to your girlfriend. It really doesn't sound like there's any reason at all to be concerned about your girlfriend though. She's with you, and you said she hardly ever posts on his facebook profile. He just sounds kind of annoying or at worst he keeps toe-ing the boundaries of you and your girlfriend's relationship (whether he is aware of it or not). Just fyi, sometimes I use 'Hey, yeah, let's get a beer when you're in town' as code for 'I'm just trying to be polite because you keep pestering me.' If anything, when he's in town, she should introduce you two, so that you know what's going on, and so that the other guy can finally 'see' that she is with someone. And he said he's going to try to see 'everyone.' Sounds like maybe there will be a group get together, lots of old friends from high school? If that's the case, it sounds like they wouldn't be alone together, and since it's a group outing it might be okay for you to tag along.

 

Be careful with the 'she SHOULD include me in her plans' kind of thinking. Again, healthy jealousy is fine, but don't let it grow to being controlling. I don't think you should mention anything to her just yet - wait a little more until closer to when he's in town. She might bring it up herself. Give her this chance to prove to you that you have no reason to mistrust her, and you'll feel so much better about her, yourself, and your relationship.

[maverick554]

Your absolutely right, the guy is annoying and is probably just trying to passively toe with the boundaries of our relationship and probably piss me off in the process. And your also right that I should check my thought process as I don't ever want to be a controlling/domineering boyfriend. I really do not think she is emotionally or physically cheating, or planning to cheat on me, I have been through that scenario more times than I care to remember in past relationships and absolutely none of the all too famaliar signs are there. Thank you for your response.

[happylady]

It is good you let it out here. This is a tough one because I am sure we are all guilty of being a bit insecure at times and if I was in your shoes I would more or less feel the same way. If it bothers you too much I would bring it up but in a very light way. maybe even make a little joke about it and see what happens. (I would personally probably say something like "ooo who is this lady huh, I feel a little jelous" but with a smile).It is less aggressive and I am sure she will get your point and maybe even invite you along with them or say that she will bring other friends to come with. Either way you will have gotten it off your chest without worrying if you were out of line or if you made her defensive or not.

 

There have been situations where I would have work drinks with coworkers, and all but one guy would cancel and even though it was a friend I would still feel a bit weird. I called my boyfriend and let him know what happened and if he was ok with it and he was like omg sure I trust you... but then he would say but thanks for telling me I think it like you say, it is all about making the one you are with comfortable with certain situations and such. Either way i am sure it is nothing but the mind can do silly things to us so if you need to get it off your chest then that is what I would suggest

[AbombSnowMan]

Sounds to me like she was just being friendly. Hes not coming for a few months and they don't really have plans made yet so that's hopefully why she didn't mention it. However if they do end up making plans and going out then to be fair to you she should invite you along, if she goes without you or without telling you then you have a right to be mad imo.