I did the break up, but i want him, but i think he's a commitment phobe

[jaygirl]

we have dated for about two years and three months now, but once the marriage issue comes up, bf acts so confused. In the past when ever i brought up the topic, he always became admamant on the fact htat 'he wasnt sure if it was me'! then we would decide to call it quits since the relationship was going no where, only to come back within four or five days and get closer. this has happened about nine times.

 

the last time we had this conversation again, this time, he refused to allow a break up, and explained that he loved me and didnt want to lose me, but was yoyo about it, that he would be sure it wa me today and tomorrow he isnt sure. so we stayed together.

 

However, he introduced me to his parents, siblings, and i had been talking to his parents over the phone. Last month, he decided i would go and spend easter with his parents, which for me seemed to be a very big step. We had been planning very well for it, only for him to call me last week, that he was having second thoughts about my visiting them.

 

That he felt once i visit them, it would mean that he had finally decided it was me he wanted to marry (thats the way its done in my culture. I am African, and once you bring a girl to your folks, you are indirectly telling them you want to marry her). so i was pissed and asked him what the hell was the problem that i was tired of going in circles.

 

He replied that HE was just still not sure.

 

I asked okay, did he want more time to think? he said he didnt know. I asked if he wanted a break up? he said no. But he wasnt yet sure of marriage or what he wanted. That he doesnt want to get married and start wondering 'what if?' later on.

 

So i asked him finally, what he wanted, and he said 'Jaygirl, i have told you, i cannot make any marriage promise or marriage assurance'. and he didnt say anything else.

 

I was so upset that i told him that we needed a break. that he needed to sort out his feelings. i told him not to contact me because i actually was planning to do NC. Partly to make him think and decide what he wants, and partly to make him miss me, and partly to also help me think.

 

We are very very close, we eat lunch together at work everyday, talk and bbm every single day, see every weekend, everyone even his friends think we are getting married. he is 29 this yr, i would be 28. he says he wants to get married by thirty. so i dunno his problem. i dont want to still be here and he would be busy searching for others behind my back.

 

That do you guys think? was it a good decision? how much of NC do you think i should do? thank you in advance

[annie24]

is he african as well? do you two have some cultural issues going on?

 

i think you did the right thing - you don't want to keep waiting and waiting on an engagement that isn't happening. if you want to get married, i think you did the right thing. what he's saying is kind of contradictory. he doesn't want to lose you but doesn't want to marry you? that's not fair to you.

[nutbrownhare]

If marriage is important to you, then you need to be with a guy who's on the same wavelength. This guy may well commit to you rather than lose you, but once that commitment's been made all his doubts are likely to come to the surface and your relationship will be over.

 

You risk a battle of wills here - you are hoping he will act differently to the way he has acted in the past, and people don't always give in to pressure like this. If you're hoping that the NC will change his mind, this could be very counterproductive in the long run.

[jaygirl]

yes Annie, we are from the same culture. whats annoying me is the fact that if he actually isnt sure, i asked him if he wanted more time, he said he didnt know! so was i just supposed to sit there waiting for him to decide whether he wants more time to decide if i am the one?

 

I dont want to pressure him quite alright, but on the other hand i dont want to just sit there knowing that he is just using me as Miss Right-now

[annie24]

i agree that you did the right thing. you don't want to be Miss Right Now the rest of your life. it's also upsetting that he doesn't know if he needs more time to think. i mean..... sheeesh. if you want to marry, i would just move on.