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Been married before..


femanon1

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My partner has been married 4 times before I came along. At first I thought I would be ok with it because there is a story behind each relationship and how it dissipated. But now, as time goes by, and we share life stories together, I hear how this happened, or how that happened with so-and-so (happy times), and I think I might be finding myself becoming more and more jealous that there was such a history with each person in the past. (It's not that my partner is hung up on the past relationships...or are they?) Sometimes I find myself asking, "Am I really that special, or are our experiences all old hat to my partner? (been there and done that with all the others too)" Then I think I'm being so foolish...telling myself that each person is unique and each relationship is unique. I am treated with great love and respect, but I can't shut down the jealous twinges from time to time. Has anyone dealt with something similar? If so, what did you do to work through it?

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I dated a man who had been married twice, and who had never been single for more than a month since his 18th birthday. He said he loved being in a relationships, but felt he had finally found the right person with me.

 

The problem was he talked about his exes a LOT too. If we went anywhere, he had been there with an ex and had a story. It made me feel like I was just a replacement, maybe with slight improvements, for his exes. He would also compare me a lot to them.....i.e. "all the girls I've dated have loved that movie too". It made me not feel special.

 

I eventually ended the relationship....not because of his two marriages but because....

 

1. I figured out that by constantly being in a relationship he had no sense of self. He only knew who he was to someone else. He hated being alone. This not only made me feel like he would date anyone who showed interest, but also made him needy and clingy.

 

2. I realized the reason he talked so much about exes is he was a really boring person. He had no hobbies or interests of his own, and tended to adopt the habits and social life of the people he dated.

 

3. He too had a story of why his marriages and relationships ended......and the stories always put the women at fault. I felt like instead of learning and growing from the break-ups, he just became bitter and jaded.

 

What are your partner's stories? Is is bad luck? Does he accept some blame? How long did these marriages last?

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i dunno...i'd be very leery of a person who has been married and divorced four times. what is the one common factor in all these marriages - your new love interest. remember, there are two sides to each story, and i would have to truly consider that maybe it wasn't all his/her ex's fault that the marriages didn't last. huge red flag in my opinion. good luck to you. just don't put all your eggs in one basket. maybe some people just don't think of marriage as a big deal.

 

i once knew a lady who showed up at my church, having been married SEVEN times. she was on husband #8. after telling everyone how horrible all of her ex's were to her she dumped #8 out of the blue and trashed that poor guy. turns out she was a very mean, uncaring and selfish woman. she treated that man horribly. yet, it wasn't him who left her - she ended the marriage FOR THE 8TH TIME. it gets easier and easier to walk away from relationships when you've been married and divorced a significant number of times. 'til death do us part? hmmm...

 

might not be the case with him/her but just take it slow. being jealous of his/her previous marriages is the least of your worries, in my opinion. if you choose to continue on with him/her my only advice would be to get over it. it happened before he/she even knew you.

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Honestly, I have been worried about becoming ex #5, which is why I am refusing to commit to anything like moving in, or marriage very quickly. He wants both BADLY....he brings it up several times a day. I think another thing that sparks my jealousy is that he has a good relationship with one of the four exes (they share a child together); insomuch that he still has discussions with his ex father-in-law about things on a personal level, he helps the family with things when they need it, and he he talks about their history a lot. He says he's been over her for a looong time, but I just don't get that feeling sometimes.

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While being married and divorced 4 times is very troubling..it is no less troubling than today's trend of serial "living together". Marriage is no longer in vogue with many people so they choose a whole series of "marriage lite" situations...living a few years with person A, maybe even buying a home and having a baby with that person...then living with person B, person C, person D. These days someone can have had 4 "living together relationships" and for some reason it is deemed more acceptable than 4 divorces.

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