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Brutal Verbal Abuse


LolaBliss

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Unfortunately, I have been in abusive relationships most of my life. Just when I thought I had progressed and gotten past why I ended up in these relationships, I found myself in yet another one that has lasted 3 years, by far the worst I have ever experienced. I have never seen anything like this or known a person so thick and narcissistic. And just when I think he can't sink any lower, he pulls what he pulled yesterday. His rages have escalated to physical violence, though it hasn't happened since last May. Right now, it is more about the verbal attacks that have become nothing short of brutal.

 

As you can imagine, being in this relationship has sunken me into a deep depression. As such, I have no desire for intimacy. He has been promising to go to counseling all this time, the last time as recent as the end of December. As expected, he has not followed through. And I am at the point where I can even stand for him to touch me at all, not even in non-sexual ways, unless I have had a few drinks in me. This is a problem for him.

 

He does this passive-aggressive thing of "joking" about how it's so nice to feel unwanted, he's going to get a blow up doll, he's going to hire a hooker, things like that. He does this several times a day, in front of our friends, even in front of his kids (they're 17 & 18 year old young men). I have ignored it for the most part because calling him on anything he does usually turns ugly. I told him the other day, nicely, that I understand his frustration but he also needs to understand that I am not doing this on purpose. He said he did understand.

 

Yesterday, he made mention of "getting it on" and I was not receptive. He got up and walked off saying how he is sick of being turned down. I had my fill. I told him that instead of focusing on being the victim, he should stop for a moment and ask himself why it is that I won't sleep with him. I then told him he won't because he doesn't want to face the reality and it is easier to dump it on me. Of course, it turned ugly.

 

As is his usual way of handling these things, he made it about how horrible I am. His fits usually consist of me having to leave or him kicking me out, maligning me to all of our friends, calling me a mooch (I defintely do my part, but he chooses to spend it on everything but the bills so it is as if my money doesn't exist) and a * * * * * . He throws my exes in my face, I am using him, I don't care about anyone but myself, I have cheated on him; anything he can come up with to justify his behavior. He makes up all these horrible things and, in all his anger, actually believes it to the point that I end up paying for offenses I haven't even committed.

 

The last time was pretty bad. We had agreed, after yet another huge blowout that I would be moving out in Feb or March (its almost here, thank God) since my son is coming back home from the military. He, as always, in his denial, made some comment that my son moving back worries him because he can't afford to support him. I reminded him that he wouldn't be supporting him because we wouldn't be living with him. He lost it. This was via text message while he was out drinking. Within minutes the conversation devolved to the point that I was lying here in bed watching TV one minute and packing to get the hell out of here the next. He then told me that 3 people told him they saw me walking into a restaurant with one of our male friends and that he found out I slept with 2 other people. He proceeded to call everyone we know to tell them about it, as well as the usual gripes I mentioned in the paragraph above this one. Again, he convinces himself of all this.

 

This time was a doozy. He told me that I need to start being the woman I should be to him or I need to get the bleep out. If I want this to be my home, I need to "make it" my home. I was floored. I felt like I was reduced to being nothing more than a walking vagina. I reminded him again that there are reasons for my lack of interest, I can't force myself to feel urges I don't and that I could not believe he would actually talk to me like this. I have waited 3 years, and I'm still waiting, for him to get the counseling he so desperately needs. He told me I need to let go of the past, as he hurls all these horrible things to me. He wants me to heal on his terms. I told him that he begs me to stay, promises over and over to get help and doesn't follow through and he expects me to be happy about it and inspired sexually. He said getting counseling isn't going to make me suddenly want sex and if I don't love him, I should just leave. I just couldn't believe my ears.

 

The conversation devolved more and he said something to the effect of how he how he has to spend money on me to get laid, on top of how he is putting a roof over my head. So, I asked him (obviously to highlight how outrageous and offensive these accusations are), if he was saying that when we are intimate, he is paying for it and/or I am using him the rest of the time and he's not even getting laid. He said yes, that was exactly what he was saying. I told him I was done with the conversation and went into the bedroom.

 

He later came in and wanted to "talk". But it was more of the same. I told him I don't see the point when I am telling him why I am not interested in sex and he keeps insisting that the reasons I give are not the truth. I finally said I had no more interest in trying to convince him, that he is clearly comfortable with everything he said to me and with being a miserable, abusive individual. Lying about me will never make the truth go away.

 

I am done. Thank God for the little self-respect I do have to not make this forever. Now I need to work on healing from this and making sure the first time is the last time from now on.

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The above sounds more like a cathartic post to me, because it sounds like you already know what you should do. It will be tough at first I am sure as it will be a big change in your life, but it will be a step in the right direction.

 

He does sound quite narcissistic btw. Often the people below are narcissitic. I've been in an abusive relationship, not to the extent of yours but it does take a toll on you slowly to the point where you aren't sure whats right anymore based on their faulty logic...it will drive you insane.

 

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He has another article on his website called, you may want to read that as well.

 

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The above sounds more like a cathartic post to me, because it sounds like you already know what you should do. It will be tough at first I am sure as it will be a big change in your life, but it will be a step in the right direction.

 

He does sound quite narcissistic btw. Often the people below are narcissitic. I've been in an abusive relationship, not to the extent of yours but it does take a toll on you slowly to the point where you aren't sure whats right anymore based on their faulty logic...it will drive you insane.

 

He has another article on his website called, you may want to read that as well.

 

 

Thanks for the info.

 

You know, I have always known what to do. I could identify his issues for what they were. I knew it was wrong and that nothing he said about me was true. But I stayed. It wasn't because he brainwashed me into thinking I wasn't worth it. Obviously, my self-esteem wasn't what it should have been, but there was never a question in my mind that he was an abuser and I didn't deserve it. In as much as I have tried to avoid his anger for the most part by not calling him on much, when I did, I was brutally direct with what I thought of it all. Still, I don't know why I stayed. I don't know that I ever really loved him.

 

He has such an overblown sense of entitlement. No matter how he treats me, how he has beaten me, verbally annihilated me, maintained inappropriate contact with his ex wife, expected me to be like her, slandered me to everyone we know, lied, created drama for everyone around us (I have had good friends from before I met him pull away from me), he expects me to be the model girlfriend. He expects me to feel things I don't feel and thinks I am purposely denying him, just to piss him off.

 

And with all the things he accuses me of doing "to him", I sit here shaking my head when I know all I have done is breathe. The contempt that he has for me is just outlandish. I have to take a moment every now and then and remind myself that I am not the cause, because it makes no sense to me how he can have so much contempt and hatred for me. I have literally told him that if I am so deserving of this rage, that I don't deserve to breathe God's good air and he should move on and do better.

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