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What can dumpees do to help our ex's overcome the hurt we caused them?


Diagonal

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So a bit of a general topic, but with my own situation as an undercurrent.

 

Ok, my ex is still hurt about the pain I put her through with the neglect I gave her over the last year or so of our relationship.

 

Things have been going well between us, but she says she's still really hurt and I get the impression that this is holding her back, as she is scared of getting hurt again. Which is totally understandable.

 

I guess that's why we're taking things slow, in fact it is and she's even said that "she needs to see I've changed for good, rather than doing things just to win her back".

 

Anyway, we were going to a concert this Valentines weekend and now she has cancelled saying she's really overwhelmed by the occasion/date and what it represents. On top of that she has some other stresses in her life and the fact that she is still hurt, means I'm not surprised she cancelled.

 

I know if it was any other weekend it wouldn't have been a problem and we're going to catch up soon, but I thought I'd ask:

 

What can dumpees do to help our ex's overcome the hurt we caused them?

 

For me, she sees and has mentioned that "It's nice to see I've made positive and noticeable changes in my life (the thngs that caused the split)" and we still have a lot of fun when we meet and are still in LC, but I feel the hurt is a big obstacle in our way.

 

Any ideas? Time heals all wounds I know and I'm being supportive, understanding and working on the things that caused the split, but has anyone had any luck with anything else.

 

Thanks guys,

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You'll have to tell her straight up that you're sorry for all the pain you caused her, that she meant the world to you, and that you're happy that you can still be in her life. Tell her she's special to you and that causing her pain has in turn caused you pain as well. To take all the time in the world to heal and that no matter what, you'll be there for her.

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Do you know where you went wrong? Has she actually outlined your behaviour that hurt her so and can you relate to it or see it how she sees it? Do you agree that you neglected her?

 

I'm just wondering how it got to this ... how she got so hurt. If you were neglecting her, couldn't it have been easily rectified at the time by communicating with each other about it? Couldn't it have been worked on at the time before it came to this? Or did she try?

 

I hope you don't mind me saying this but has it occurred to you that the pain issue she is using as an obstacle against getting back together is actually an excuse? Obviously I could be completely wrong but it is just a thought. At the end of the day none of us want to get hurt but it is a risk we all have to be prepared to take when entering any relationship, old or new.

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Send her flowers with a note, "If I sent a flower for all the times I neglected you, you would have a garden today." She may feel you are acknowledging that the neglect was real. Also, let her know you understand the time that she needs to heal and your intent is not to pressure her at all, just sending her warm wishes.

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You'll have to tell her straight up that you're sorry for all the pain you caused her, that she meant the world to you, and that you're happy that you can still be in her life. Tell her she's special to you and that causing her pain has in turn caused you pain as well. To take all the time in the world to heal and that no matter what, you'll be there for her.

 

Thanks for the advice, I've done all of the above a LOT but it's great advice and others should take heed.

 

Thanks again

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Thanks guys, appreciate the comments.

 

@Jelly - I did neglect her and she did try telling me, but being a man I just didn't pick up on it and it built up too much and she left.

 

I would cancel our one day a week date that we made in favour of work. I'd neglect her at home, with work and it just built up.

 

She has told me what I did wrong and it really was pushing her away and down my priorities. Since then I've done a lot of self work and quit one of the jobs I had and scaled down my hobby. I took a 75% pay cut, can't see too many people doing that, but I did it for myself too. I wasn't happy working like a dog and I feel a new person because of it and it's allowing me to do all the things I/we used to do together.

 

Hope that fills you in. If not please ask me anything.

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Uh, what about the pain the dumpers put us through?

 

Im all for recognizing where we went wrong in our relationship but I notice alot of the dumpees take ALOT of blame for the demise of the relationship. The fact is that it takes two to tango and it takes two to keep a relationship strong and sucessful.

 

So really, what do the DUMPERS need to do to help us overcome they pain THEY caused us?

 

You just need to be yourself and try to show your ex how you have changed for the good. But on the flipside, they need to be proactive in showing what they have done to change for the better.

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@Minou That's a beautiful line and so true

 

I've made it a priority to make her know that I understand she needs time to heal, that there is no pressure and she has been massively receptive to that. I think that's really important.

 

I'm going to continue to do and I'm going to steal your line and send her one pressed flower in the non valentines card I got her.

 

Thank you so much

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So really, what do the DUMPERS need to do to help us overcome they pain THEY caused us?.

 

They can come back, that would help

 

No I understand what you're saying and it's good advice in showing them you've changed.

 

For me dumpers need to be honest and open about the situation. That way we can take steps to move on or reconcile.

 

A lot of the pain comes from not knowing what the hell is going on one way or the other. Ok there is initial pain from the split, but it's uncertainty and false hope that is killer.

 

Like you said it takes two to tango and my ex recently (and for the first time) accepted her part in the split, which was a big thing for me.

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I think the dumper had the choice of being in a relationship with the dumpee, have a serious talk and work things out, so neither party would be hurt in the process. But as the dumper has chosen to drop the bomb on the dumpee, I feel that the dumper has emotionally prepared himself or herself for a break-up and the consequences. Also, in my opinion, dumpers have often moved on emotionally and have thought about a life without the dumpee, before breaking up. It is not something someone would usually do impulsively. Unless, of course there is cheating/abuse/violence involved, then the dumper has every right to dump his/her partner.

 

However, in your case, I feel that she dumped you to get your attention. Which is never a good enough reason to break-up with anyone. Yes, you disappointed her, but at this point I think you have done enough for now by acknowledging what you did wrong, and for the hurt that you caused her. I think that should be enough and that you should back off after that and give her her space. Being clingy and too eager to please is not attractive, and might seem a tad insincere sometimes.

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Remember, it took a whole year of you negelcting her to get her to the point that she was ready to leave you. I'm not saying it's going to take a year to get her back to the point she was at before she left but it's only been a few weeks right? You sound like you have made a change so all you can do is keep that up and wait for time to do it's job.

 

Actions speak louder than words but if you try to do things to help her heal faster....then she might see it as you trying to do things to "win her back" keep your gestures small and sincere...things you know you can (and will) continue to do all the time. I think over the course of a month or so that will be much more convincing.

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Good point and advice Lilbear. I do think it was a little bit of an attention thing as well, particularly as we never went NC, it was pretty much LC from the split.

 

As it happens I think it worked, which I don't think she expected!

 

Things are going well and we've been texting today even. I guess we'll see, I think time, patience and proving to her I've changed will continue to warm her heart towards me and then who knows...

 

But yeah, I'm giving her space and time to heal and it seems to be working really well, so I'll continue on that plane

 

Thanks again for the insight and advice

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OK, I understand the situation a bit better now. I also know where she is coming from as my ex-husband was, and still is, a workaholic. I can't say it was this that lead to the break-down of our marriage as he actually left me for someone else but I think it contributed as life had become rather unexciting. The difference was I never said anything to him and he wouldn't drop 75% of his wages. He has since said how he wishes we had talked about things, tried to make things better, to make more time for each other.

 

Anyhow your ex did try to tell you but you, unfortunately, you weren't hearing what she was saying ... not until it was too late anyway. Its good that you have now seen the error of your ways and you have worked on these issues but it may take time to prove to your ex that life would be better this time around. Also you may have to accept that while you plodded on not listening and pushing her aside for work, she was slowly detaching herself from you ... maybe to the point of no return. I hope not, for your sake. It seems there is still some hope there. I think you need to take things slowly and let her see for herself that you have changed.

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Thanks for the comments guys

 

Jelly, I understand completely what you're saying and I do think she detached herself slowly over time looking back All I can do now is prove I've changed.

 

She has seen and even commented that she has noticed that I've changed, which is nice. I mean she never thought I'd drop 75% of my money and stop working as hard as I was, but I have.

 

I really do think it's confusing the hell out of her. The person I became was so money and success orientated. Now, I just do normal things like go to the mall and hang out with friends, rather than being obsessed with working 24/7 - it's a nice existence and I don't need all those $$$'s.

 

I really have changed and I really have realized that having her in my life is soo much more important than anything else.

 

Time will tell if this helps in bringing her back into a position where she can trust and love me again.

 

I hope so.

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