well, finally did a stalker routine

[Beachandsurf]

so , after four and half months of no response from John, I finally drove by the house.. well have not driven by since Xmas..

I stopped calling his place, as he never answered, I stopped emailing in November as he never responded. I called his Mom and told his stepdad I Was putting his stuff out to the curb, and if he wanted it he needed to contact me... nothing.

 

I am still having issues dealing with his coldness. His ability to blow me off like I never existed.. it still rips my heart out.

 

I woke up from a sound sleep with dreams of him.. and decided at five am to drive to his place and see if he was awake. (he usually is) and try to talk. BUT his roommate's car was gone, )he goes to work early) and there was a beat up car parked in the driveway behind John;s truck.. oh well. guess he has company..

 

I just wish I could move on too. Wish I had the desire to leave the house other than work and shopping for cat food lol.. Wish I could stop crying .. wish I could forget him. Wish I forget him ten years ago,,, and Wish he never came back into my life..

 

when will this get better, or should I still keep the faith?? But, do I want to keep the faith?? I am so torn.. seems like he has made my decision for me anyway ...

 

thanks for listening, I just needed to vent..

[HopefulDrew]

when will this get better, or should I still keep the faith?? But, do I want to keep the faith?? I am so torn.. seems like he has made my decision for me anyway ...

 

thanks for listening, I just needed to vent..

 

This will get better as soon as you decide for it to. Don't worry about keeping the faith. He made a decision, now you need to make one to. Are you going to sit there and remain desperate or are you going to pick yourself up and move forward? It is under your control.

 

Start devoting the effort you put into thinking about him into taking care of yourself.

[Anotherday]

As tempting as stalking might be, I would recommend against it. Sounds to me like his lack of contact says everything and I don't think it sounds like there is any faith to keep. Sorry!

[Beachandsurf]

As tempting as stalking might be, I would recommend against it. Sounds to me like his lack of contact says everything and I don't think it sounds like there is any faith to keep. Sorry!

 

especially with the car behind his truck....he did this ten years ago when we broke up, went right into a relationship.. seems it is easier for him to move on than it is for me.. we were mutual with the split. And I walked away the last time.. he always lures me back in... so I know he will be coming back around again.. some time.. and I know it will not be better...

it was way worse the second time around..

 

just want the whole thing behind me

[Beachandsurf]

This will get better as soon as you decide for it to. Don't worry about keeping the faith. He made a decision, now you need to make one to. Are you going to sit there and remain desperate or are you going to pick yourself up and move forward? It is under your control.

 

Start devoting the effort you put into thinking about him into taking care of yourself.

 

if only I could shake it off,,, I really want to be free from him in my heart..I walked away many times and the last time was years ago, and I have done the same now.. yet I never stop loving him.. it is so hard to just forget..

and I have tried, believe me...

[Tanzi]

Beachandsurf, I have just read your original thread about this guy. I'm sorry to have to say this, but .... what a loser!! Honestly, this is a toxic and extremely unhealthy relationship. He takes, takes, takes and never gives. He sponges off you completely. You break up constantly. He gets drunk and tries to strangle you and was arrested for domestic violence towards the woman he was with after you ... for trying to strangle her too.

 

He denies everything, won't talk about anything and walks out when you start to get tough. How on earth can you love this man? He doesn't sound capable of loving anyone so why put yourself through this?

 

I think you may be finding it hard to let go because you haven't had closure ... he simply walked out on you and you haven't heard anything since. You may have to look hard within yourself to find that closure. Imagine what life would be like if you stayed with this man. You are worthy of so so so much more. Please remind yourself of that. I know it is hard but please try to forget this sorry excuse of a man. Try to accept that it is over and that you need to move on from him. One day someone who will love you back as much will come into your life and you will be glad you broke free when you did.

 

(((Hugs)))

[minou]

My heart goes out to you. Loving a substance abuser is excruciating. Have you been to alanon? It is a powerful program that will help you heal, give you new friends and get you out of the house. Prayers your way.

[Beachandsurf]

thank you ;-) I needed a hug,

and thank you for reading the other posts, , I know the history speaks for itself..

I ask myself every day, why do I continue to torture myself over this man?? I have no answers.. and I really do want to be rid this.. and yea, I have no closure, just the shock that he came back and I let him in and he swore forever.. I waited eight years to hear all those things from his lips.. and now... nothing, and a new girl.. my God..

and yea, it was a really crappy relationship.. and I went broke on it as well.. he is the most selfish person I have ever met.

So I keep posting and moving forward and hope one day I will wake up knowing I am over it..

[Beachandsurf]

My heart goes out to you. Loving a substance abuser is excruciating. Have you been to alanon? It is a powerful program that will help you heal, give you new friends and get you out of the house. Prayers your way.

 

I have, but I find it hard for me to agree with the program.. I feel it is another way to cope with the other's addiction.. but honestly I really have not given it much of a chance. I have a few friends that swear by alanon.. and now that there is no one in my life drinking.. it might be easier to see the program clearer.. being there is no emotions attached and no current stories to tell or keep me preoccupied.

[Tanzi]

thank you ;-) I needed a hug,

and thank you for reading the other posts, , I know the history speaks for itself..

I ask myself every day, why do I continue to torture myself over this man?? I have no answers.. and I really do want to be rid this.. and yea, I have no closure, just the shock that he came back and I let him in and he swore forever.. I waited eight years to hear all those things from his lips.. and now... nothing, and a new girl.. my God..

and yea, it was a really crappy relationship.. and I went broke on it as well.. he is the most selfish person I have ever met.

So I keep posting and moving forward and hope one day I will wake up knowing I am over it..

 

Thats OK ... and you sounded like you needed a hug. I know where you are at. I've been there myself and still am, tho to a lesser extent now ... but I still hurt and I still cry. I've been hanging on to someone for a long time now who throws out crumbs in order to keep me pecking. Even though our circumstances may be different we still both need to learn to let go once and for all ... but it is so damned hard.

 

I know you won't see it this way but the fact that your ex has walked out and isn't communicating with you is giving you the kick start you need to move on. My ex, on the other hand, keeps on dragging me backwards just when I get to a stage where I have moved on. In that respect you may be able to move on a lot easier that me (tho by no means am I suggesting that you will find it easy). My situation has been going on for almost 17 months now. I hate to think of other people in my situation ... stuck in an endless cycle of painful emotion ... though how I have the nerve to encourage people to move on when I find it difficult myself beats me!! Oh I can give it a good ole go ... I never initiate contact with my ex and I have made several attempts at ignoring him and even managed NC for 3 months ... but for the most part when he contacts (especially when he steps up his contact) ... that is when I eventually falter.

 

I really hope you can find the strength to move on. Do as you say, keep on visiting eNA and keep on ranting. I find it helps a lot.

[Beachandsurf]

I have to move on, because it took three years the last time, and he ignored all attempts as well, yet I cried every day for years.. I cannot do that again,, I won't and I told him so when we got back together.. but here we are, history repeating itself..

I hope you manage the same, to end the relationship.. and yes, it is so very hard when he is around.. I wonder which is worse?? I think they are equally the as painful..

[Tanzi]

I guess either way, we have to face facts and move on so both is equally as painful. I have time on my side, however. It has gone on for so long now that each time he seems to back off it hurts less ... but that may be because I assume now that he will be back sooner rather than later. Generally he comes back asking where I have been because at this point I disappear for a bit too (ie. hide from him on MSN etc). It all seems to be an endless game ... all for nothing.

 

At the end of the day history has repeated itself for both us of ... because we have allowed it to. Your ex has been cowardly and really doesn't deserve you, try to muster up all the strength that is possible to not let it happen again. Use this experience as a lesson of how things would or could have been and will be again if you ever let him back in. Even if you were to get back together, and judging by what you said in your OP as regards breaking up every two weeks, it sounds as if you would end up in this position again and again and again ... better to move on from it now while you have the chance.

[Anotherday]

especially with the car behind his truck....he did this ten years ago when we broke up, went right into a relationship.. seems it is easier for him to move on than it is for me.. we were mutual with the split. And I walked away the last time.. he always lures me back in... so I know he will be coming back around again.. some time.. and I know it will not be better...

it was way worse the second time around..

 

just want the whole thing behind me

 

Yes, and stalking is really only going to hurt you. Some things are better not known about, I really believe.

 

You don't need to spend anymore years with this guy if you choose not to. I know how hard it is. I spent the last four involved on and off with someone who never missed a beat each time we went our separate ways. It really hurts.

 

I still think about him every day and contacting him, yet I know in my heart of hearts I do NOT need to know I meant so little and that he was always so ready to move on and it never bothered him. So I just don't contact him and even though I volunteer each week two blocks from his office, I never drive by. Why bother...

[shessofly]

you have to make the decision to let people go, with or without the closure you speak of. maybe you will always have a form of love for him and that is okay, but the romantic/partnership love needs to go because it is clear this guy is no good for you.

 

stop stalking him.

 

we choose to hang on to people, whether we admit it or not. i stayed single for years because i just "could not" get over my ex. what a waste of time. he was toxic too. i finally made the decision to put him behind me and i'm so much better off for it. maybe it's a little scary, letting that love go and that's why people choose not to do it. believe me, it can be done. you would be in for a lifetime of misery with this guy. recognize that. stop the fantasy of if only's and dreams of him putting down the alcohol and everything else. it's just not going to happen. choose to let this man go and stop allowing your thoughts to focus on him. you are wasting YOUR life away right now, when you could be living a happy fulfilled life.

 

maybe you need some sort of counseling. three years is an awfully long time to mourn over an ended relationship - 3 years of constant crying, as you say. that's very unhealthy. such a waste of time that you cannot get back.

[Beachandsurf]

I dont stalk him .. I drove by to stop and try and talk. and I drove by xmas to stop and say hello and merry xmas but he was not there. I am not the stalking type, I used it in the title as a joke, meaning I have resorted to a drive by.. lol I have not been calling or bothering him as he has made no effort to encourage me. We went eight years with no contact and then got back together a year ago. It was a miracle we both said that we found one another again,, I guess that is what is hurting so much

and the fact that he swore his undying love to me and forever to me, and I supported him for a year and then he so easily has another spending the night.. knowing I have been here suffering and waiting for him .. that is painful.. but you are right, it would be an endless same old same old, as he has not changed in ten years, and has only gotten worse

[JonasWaingaro]

Aww Beach'n'surf. ((bighugs)) You know you really deserve more. I know you know that. Heck one more person saying that couldn't hurt! hehe Just remember how much lighter the recycle bin is now! Try and get out some. I know it helps me, even if it's a little walk by the waterfront or whatever here. It helps. Here anytime you want to talk!

[Beachandsurf]

Aww Beach'n'surf. ((bighugs)) You know you really deserve more. I know you know that. Heck one more person saying that couldn't hurt! hehe Just remember how much lighter the recycle bin is now! Try and get out some. I know it helps me, even if it's a little walk by the waterfront or whatever here. It helps. Here anytime you want to talk!

 

;-) I saw you here and it put a smile on my face.. I am still having such a hard time getting out of the house. Just feel crappy about myself, and fat and ugly and just plain unwanted.. I guess it will pass.. I did make an appointment this afternoon with a counselor, I am really too depressed and hopeless ... I don't like feeling this crappy and I don't like giving him this kind of control over my emotions,,, still.

Remember when we first chatted?? I really thought things would work out.. and either he would come to his senses or I would lol .. and yes, you are 100% correct, the recycle bin is rarely full ;-)

How are you doing these days??

[JonasWaingaro]

;-) I saw you here and it put a smile on my face.. I am still having such a hard time getting out of the house. Just feel crappy about myself, and fat and ugly and just plain unwanted.. I guess it will pass.. I did make an appointment this afternoon with a counselor, I am really too depressed and hopeless ... I don't like feeling this crappy and I don't like giving him this kind of control over my emotions,,, still.

Remember when we first chatted?? I really thought things would work out.. and either he would come to his senses or I would lol .. and yes, you are 100% correct, the recycle bin is rarely full ;-)

How are you doing these days??

 

hehe Well a smile is good! =) I know how you feel, I've been feeling pretty worthless, hopeless, and such. I'm with you on not wanting to feel like this anymore. So I'm doing okay. I have more good days, but feel kinda blunted. That lust for life is more a 'ah, wednesday...k'. Gah! Anyhoo, you'll come to your senses soon, now how you talk your heart into it I dunno! They don't listen very well. Hope today is better! At least you have sunshine in the Fla.

[Beachandsurf]

ah Jonas my friend, the sunshine is not enough to warm us up I'm afraid, so I am freezing ;-)

I had t talk myself out of taking the rest of his crap and dropping it off at his house while she was there. I have not done anything like that in over 20 years!! But I did not. Why bother was how it was put to me by a friend. His character is showing once again. sleaze.. lol

and for you , don't beat yourself up so either.. you are a special person... believe it ;-)