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I am 9 weeks Pregnant and so upset at BF's behaviour...


mca1975

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I cannot believe how he is being. He was so happy about it all, so am I, both excited and can't wait to tell everyone. Went to the doctors yesterday, I went alone, to have it confirmed and was told I was nine weeks and looking good. Obviously I am very nervous about keeping calm until I reach 12 weeks but she said to be optimistic. This was not planned and it is my first baby, but I am so pleased it happened.

 

We have started to make plans about moving house etc. and saving money.

 

However, when my BF got home last night, he decided to upset me by picking up an argument about how much housework I do! I was about to put my clothes away after having a bath and he critisized me about how much housework I had done since I got home. I was so upset. I wanted us to have a nice evening. The argument escalated and I got very upset, but he would not stop going on about it, telling me I'm selfish and lazy. I cannot believe he is being like this. I was so upset, I left the house to go for a drive. He knows I am meant to be taking it easy and its like he just doesnt care. He is being so selfish, worrying about him and how much housework he does? Surely, there are bigger and better things now? He is very lazy himself!

 

He has annoyed me quite a few times over the past few days because if I feel unwell or "queasy" as I have done for the last three nights, he mocks me and says I'm imagining it and that I only started to feel sick once I found out I was pregnant but that is not true. He is very opinionated and thinks he is right all the time, why is he being like this?? He has put a big cloud over this now, and I feel unsupported. He won't do anything for me. I feel like he wants me on the floor scrubbing away.

 

He eventually apologised last night, but I didnt feel that he really meant it. I am still so angry with him. Why is he being so insensitive and childish?

 

I am so pleased I have my great supportive family to fall back on. I feel like I cannot rely on him now.

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As I said in your previous thread, having a child will not change the problems the two of you are having. In fact, you will feel even more trapped once you have the baby. I would suggest seriously thinking about whether or not this relationship is going to be good for you in the long run. Mocking you for feeling ill and telling you that you imagined it is a very bad sign of things to come.

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I know its not good, I am totally shocked that he has started acting this way. Its like he is so immature that he cannot handle having to really think about someone else and their well-being..... I don't feel trapped, however, I am still excited about my/our baby.

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Congrats on the baby!

 

When he starts these arguments about you not doing enough housework etc, is it possible that he forgets your pregnant considering you've just found out? I would think it would be common sense to think 'oh she's pregnant, she has to be careful'. Espically if its your first, your probably even more aware of it. He should be the one helping out more!

 

I would say possibly try to talk to him, but im not sure if it would work. He needs to realise that your pregnant, and you wont be able to do everything you had previously, and you will be feeling sick at strange and weird times and inconvenient times. He has to deal with it. He should be supporting you. Never mocking you. Maybe try being completely blunt and honest with him to give him a bit of a wake up call - or is there any counseling things that offer new parents available? Im not sure if they exist.

 

Tough as it is, try not to dwell on it. Hopefully he'll come around. Just you focus on keeping calm and not stressing yourself out.

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Thank you for that post. I have decided that being blunt and direct is the only way. If he continues with this, I will tell him that it is not acceptable and I will consider leaving if he continues to mock me and be unsupportive. I really can't understand how someone can just FORGET that they are having a baby? I certainly cannot stop thinking about it and am always aware. And Yes, its my first and I am very nervous. He makes me feel sick right now.....

 

My family said to concentrate on staying calm and just worry about me and the bub, but I feel sad that he is not worrying for us, even though he says he is. I have not even heard from him today, he is probably feeling sorry for himself about being so mistreated about having to do all the housework, which is a load of bull.

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He's not behaving very well at all. It's possible he may be finding it difficult to empathise with how you are feeling, and perhaps getting some books which outline the changes your body is going through might help.

 

What to Expect When Your Expecting and Your Pregnancy Week by Week can be found on Amazon.

 

There may also be books aimed at dads too.

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Congratulations, mca! I hope the pregnancy goes well for you.

 

I think the main point you have to ask yourself is do you want to be with him? Do you actually want this relationship to work? I say this because it seems you are very quick to be throwing in statements like this..

 

If he continues with this, I will tell him that it is not acceptable and I will consider leaving if he continues to mock me and be unsupportive.

 

Be very careful you do not talk yourself into being a single mother before you realise what you've done. That is a threat and will fuel even more fires. I recall you have experience of a single-parent household but however easy it may look from the outside, believe me it is a completely different kettle of fish when it's your responsibility. Even with the greatest support, it is not something to choose lightly.

 

Without intending to sound preachy, I would advise you to contact Relate or similar and give relationship counselling a go. They will offer support and can really help you two figure out exactly where it is you get stuck. I think if you honestly feel you have something between you worth saving, and from what I have read of your posts you could both benefit from some guidance, then this is that moment. Accept that your current method of operating in this relationship is not working. I would look to other (and all) ways of finding a way to communicate. Because together or apart you are going to need it now.

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I would second giving relationship counseling a go because this is not just about the two of you anymore. It is very hard for a child to watch their parents fight and bicker. It is not good for their development and for their understanding of how relationships work. Fathers also need time to adjust to becoming a parent but to mock you is oh so NOT cool. Morning sickness which can occur ANYTIME of day is not in the imagination. Just joking here but the next time he mocks you I would be tempted to puke on his shoes.

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I couldnt beileve he was mocking me. I would never expect that from him, or anyone, when someone is pregnant and nervous. he is meant to be supporting me and with me on this but he is acting just like a child.

 

Oh my god, I totally want us to work out, I don't want to be a single mother at all! I want us to get on! I want him to care and stop mocking me, but I dont want to stay with him if I don't feel happy. I just feel like I don't know him anymore..... He never thinks he is wrong in ANYTHING he does.

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I couldnt beileve he was mocking me. I would never expect that from him, or anyone, when someone is pregnant and nervous. he is meant to be supporting me and with me on this but he is acting just like a child.

 

Oh my god, I totally want us to work out, I don't want to be a single mother at all! I want us to get on! I want him to care and stop mocking me, but I dont want to stay with him if I don't feel happy. I just feel like I don't know him anymore..... He never thinks he is wrong in ANYTHING he does.

 

You guys really need to go to counseling and so does he. I am not saying he will act like that with your child but he could. Wait till you see him mock your child or treat your child like he has no feelings ect. It will make your blood boil like nothing else.Get it solved now, really. He does sound childish though.

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maybe he is having a hard time getting used to the news and this is his way of 'acting out?' it's an explanation, not an excuse. i would talk to him some more. i think counseling or the books targeted to soon-to-be-dads is a good idea.

 

i don't know how much you really need to take it easy. of course if you are feeling awful, you might need to stay in bed. but otherwise, there's no reason you can't be active and moving around through your pregnancy.

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Well I don't believe for a second that he didnt want kids yet. But let me just say that I wasn't trying to get pregnant at all. It just happened and I was as shocked as the next person, scared in fact but now I love the fact that I am.

 

He was very happy when I told him, he couldn't stop smiling. Do you know what I think, I think that he is JEALOUS about the attention shifting. He is very much an attention seeker and he is spoilt by his parents. I think he is worried about having to do things around the house now, especially when the baby comes, because he is LAZY. He cannot do the washing up or the hoovering without expecting a huge amount of praise for it and to also want ME to then do something in return.

 

If he is having a hard time about taking it in, then he should talk to someone, me, his friends, or his mum or dad, or his brother. It's not acceptable for him to just take it out on me like that. I am nervous enough as it is, I don't need him shouting at me and making me upset. God I felt like cinderella being had a go at by her ugly sisters for not doing the chores last night. It just made me feel horrible. I just want to be looked after by him. I am totally not thinking that I can't move around while I'm pregnant, I am working full-time here you know like I always have. I have just started a very busy job and I get up at 6.30 every morning, but I get tired easily now, more than I did before. I spend a minimum of 2.5 hours travelling every day to work and back.

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Was he aware that you weren't using birth control/using it regularly? I thought this was planned at least in the sense that you chose to play russian roulette with the birth control because you wanted to be a mother and didn't want to wait any longer. I agree with Annie that he might be acting out, and unless there are complications with your pregnancy you don't need to take it "that easy" when you are not feeling sick.

 

I just re-read your post and understand that you get all that but as far as being taken care of by him, that might not be a realistic expectation depending on his part in the choice to get pregnant now - he might get more motivated to do that but not if he is feeling at all that he wasn't fully consulted about this decision. As far as his laziness, you knew this about him before you decided to get pregnant, yes? What had you planned to do about it once you had the baby? If you haven't made plans on how to work around this/resolve it, now might be the time.

 

I also agree that relationship counseling sounds like the way to go here so that you can learn how to communicate better and start to plan for the baby - there's a limit to how much you can plan given the unpredictability but there are certain things you can discuss in advance about housework, etc.

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Yes, he was fully aware and was not concerned that we were not taking precautions. We practiced the withdrawal method and when we didnt practice that, we would rely on the fact that the timing was not ovulation time kinda thing.

 

Acting out? He is very pleased about the baby, so why act out? He is excited and can't wait to tell everyone. I truly think that he is just shallow and starting to worry about how much housework he might have to do if I'm looking after the baby, God men!

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you have to remember that he has his own set of anxieties and concerns about having a baby. it isn't going to be easy sailing for either of you. i think that's probably why he was picking on you last night. communication will be key here. have you talked to him about what he is feeling and what sorts of emotions are going through his head right now?

 

do you two have a 'chore' schedule worked out?

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Yes, he was fully aware and was not concerned that we were not taking precautions. We practiced the withdrawal method and when we didnt practice that, we would rely on the fact that the timing was not ovulation time kinda thing.

 

Acting out? He is very pleased about the baby, so why act out? He is excited and can't wait to tell everyone. I truly think that he is just shallow and starting to worry about how much housework he might have to do if I'm looking after the baby, God men!

 

No, not "men", not in the least. This is about you and your boyfriend, your dynamics and a momentous event that is taking place that has both good and bad points because in your situation you two did not have an honest and detailed discussion beforehand about what if - you just decided to play russian roulette with the birth control and leave it to that. Not criticizing your approach, just that your complaints now are surprising because this type of reaction is totally predictable.

 

My husband - who wasn't yet my husband when we found out I was pregnant - has been as supportive as he possibly can be in every way, just lke he was before I got pregnant. That's why I take issue with your generalization, given how hard he has worked and how hard my friend's husbands/SOs have worked when they were pregnant/new moms.

 

I agree with Annie and Victoria on what the next steps need to be.

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I can't imagine you were really all the surprised to be pregnant if you were not using birth control and were in fact, taking big risks as you were. If it is true that you did not discuss the inevitable consequence of your actions and were both in agreement about wanting a baby, than I'm not sure you can assume that is what he really wanted. Heck, what he may have wanted was sex without a condom.

 

After the initial honeymoon phase is over, the reality of having a baby sets in, even the strongest of couples can have some anxiety about it. My daughter who is 7 1/2 months was completely planned but once I was pregnant it was still an adjustment for my husband and I, and he is a pretty supportive guy.

 

I wouldn't expect to be 'treated like a princess' simply because you are pregnant and expecting to 'take it easy' at home either. Most women these days do work full time jobs while pregnant and many have other children waiting at home once the 'work' day is done. Unless a medical condition exists that warrants resting and taking it easy, you can expect to do your normal activities while pregnant.

 

I also agree with Batya's point, did your boyfriend suddenly become lazy once you got pregnant? Or was he like this before and now you are upset because pregnancy isn't 'changing' him? Sad news, it won't. Expecting someone to change because of marriage or pregnancy is a mistake many seem to make, and end up feeling upset, disappointed and angry when that is not the case.

 

and lastly, your reference that your boyfriend should go to counseling by himself to 'learn how to deal with this' doesn't show a lot of maturity and understanding on your part. You are going to be parents, you are now tied together forever, and working on this relationship is going to mean that if and when problems arise you BOTH need to put in effort to resolve them and work on them together, regardless of 'who's fault' it is. That is what adults do, and what parents do.

 

Right now you seem to be thinking that it's all about you because you are pregnant, but trust me when I say that is very temporary and soon there will be a baby here that will demand your attention and your boyfriend's attention and you will be down at the bottom of the totem pole, and that's the reality of parenting.

 

I know I seem to be coming down hard on you, but honestly I think you need a little shake to wake up and realize that this is the consequence of your choice to play Russian Roulette with birth control, and this is the reality of 'unplanned' pregnancy between a couple who might not have been in the best standing to begin with.

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On Hope's point, I wanted to clarify - I thought my husband did a great job and does a great job but there were and are adjustments and surprises - even though I knew him for many years before I got pregnant there were still situations where I scratched my head "what was he thinking planning a trip out of town once I was full term??" and similar. Luckily we agreed on the big stuff - who would take care of the baby full time etc. I didn't want to paint him out as a saint - he's a person with flaws like me - but I also wanted to emphasize that attacking your SO as "oh, men" is unfair.

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^ This.

 

At the same time, it's only been a couple days, hasn't it, since you found out that you're pregnant? Now's definitely a time to celebrate (!) but also time to plan for the future, as the others have aptly pointed out.

 

I'm sure you'll figure things out gradually.

 

Re: your bf, I think Annie's right. It's probably starting to sink in for him that he's going to be a father soon and I'm sure he has a lot on his mind re: impending fatherhood, finances, the future trajectory of your relationship, etc. -- the inevitable changes in his life, a life that he's become very accustomed to and is very comfortable in.

 

Give him some time to adjust. If he doesn't, I think you can cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, take it easy, for your sake and for your baby's.

 

Congrats and good luck!

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When I found out I was pregnant and saw the doctor, I was told not to use household cleaning products. In fact, my doctor specifically told my husband that he should be doing the cleaning (which involved those products, not, say, sweeping) and the laundry because of the detergent. Has your doctor talked to you about this? Your boyfriend should be aware of this before he gets onto you about chores and scrubbing the floor.

 

I'm sorry he is mocking you about your morning sickness. Does he think morning sickness isn't real? Or just that for some reason it's only not real when it comes to you? I'd be really angry about that too.

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When I found out I was pregnant and saw the doctor, I was told not to use household cleaning products. In fact, my doctor specifically told my husband that he should be doing the cleaning (which involved those products, not, say, sweeping) and the laundry because of the detergent. Has your doctor talked to you about this? Your boyfriend should be aware of this before he gets onto you about chores and scrubbing the floor.

 

I'm sorry he is mocking you about your morning sickness. Does he think morning sickness isn't real? Or just that for some reason it's only not real when it comes to you? I'd be really angry about that too.

 

I'm surprised your doctor told you this. Mine said it was fine to do cleaning-- if I was concerned about stronger chemicals to wear gloves and work in a well ventilated area. I did laundry and cleaning my entire pregnancy. The only thing I was told to stay away from was the litter box. (and even that has minimal risks if you handle with gloves in a well ventilated area.)

 

Here is a publication from the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists regarding environmental hazards- the obvious ones like lead, mercury and other heavy metals, chemicals used in photography and some drugs.

 

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and here's an article from the American Pregnancy Association explaining that most cleaning chemicals are safe to use during pregnancy, as long as you take the above precautions I mentioned.

 

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Research shows and the professional credentialing organizations state that in most cases it's safe to continue your regular household cleaning regime.

 

But- if you are concerned about chemicals you can always get 'green' products made of natural agents (like vinegar) or google how to make your own.

 

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