Being the bigger/adult person (AKA looking for an excuse to break NC)

[Panzermensch]

Hi guys,

 

having been spinning my emotional core into meltdown the last few days, I think I've finally calmed down enough to be slightly more positive.

 

Hence this question: Is it advisable to break NC with my ex in order to clean the air. As is chronicled in my earlier threads, my current month long bout of NC was initiated in a manner that was, on the whole, was too hostile. She basically ended up being insulted by my avoiding her.

 

While her reaction was childish, uncalled for, and unfair, I think that many of my problems with NC stem from the fact that we parted ways in a manner entirely incongruent with my attitude: I was trying to do what was right for me in a manner that respected me, her AND what we were. I basically don't really harbour any animosity towards her, and would prefer an amicable silence, as opposed to the cold and bitter one we have now.

 

So what I propose is sending her short, wholly non- dramatic e-mail in which I make it clear that I respect her feelings if she prefers relating to me with animosity, but that I don't feel like that towards her and that I would prefer we be on amicable, if not friendly, terms. In addition mention that I hope she's well etc, something I genuinely do.

 

So, what do you think? Is this worth the effort, or should I just wait the 5-50 years it will take her to swallow her pride AND bump into me randomly?

 

h.

[Chris Knows]

"You say it best when you say nothing at all."

 

All you need to know my friend.

[DazB]

Only thing I would say is that you may feel the rage again and regret sending that email and then feel the need to sent another.

 

However; if you feel you won't re-reply then by all means do it, clear the air and feel at ease knowing you did what you consider 'right'. Be strong. Take care.

[Timebandit]

In general: No, I think it is a bad idea.

 

But what do you hope to get out of it?

[AutumnBorn]

You really have to look deep down at your motivation to know what to do.

 

In the end, how do you see this playing out if you sent her a message explaining all and what benefit is it to you?

 

(Great minds, Timebandit.)

[Leon91]

"You say it best when you say nothing at all."

 

All you need to know my friend.

 

nailed it.

 

that itchy feeling will remain.

wait for her... and if she dosen't bother?

 

well then you have BEEN the bigger person and didn't let her ruin you!

 

i believe this:

 

EVERY person on here has one thing in common...

 

we have a heart!!

if we didnt, we wouldnt feel this way.

 

we are all great people. because we can show love and affection!

what is the greatest feeling? LOVE

we can make people have that feeling and we can make ourselves have that!

 

therefore we are the bigger people!

 

take care mate!

[Tanzi]

"You say it best when you say nothing at all."

 

Yes, indeed.

 

If you need NC to help you heal than that is your perogative. If your ex decided to react badly to that, that is her problem. I expect she already knows how you feel and why you are doing it, she is probably angry because you are going against what she wants.

[LoveSoDeep]

I see where you are coming from...you feel like the way you left things was out of character and don't want her to remember you that way b/c chances are she doesn't want to talk to "that guy."

 

If your NC was to heal then I say you're doing pretty good not harbouring feelings of animosity towards her is a big step. If you want her back (which I suspect you do b/c otherwise you wouldn't be on this forum) then I think you do at some point need to let her know these things....Is now the right time? No one knows. One important question to ask is - Can you deal with any response she may throw at you even a hateful one?

[1guygirl]

hmmmm after my ex jus went nc with me it was out of character for him and i took it as him hating me and ignoring me....didnt feel good and i basically let go of him alot faster put it that way

 

previosly when i went nc with him, i told him what i was doing and why and that i didnt hate him or would forget about him etc etc and it made for an easier reconcilliation

 

jus my experience...

 

i think unless they cheat on you or treat you absolutely appaulingly, then let them know youre in nc politely and to give ya some time. otherwise for me nc can become a game and a hurtful one at that

[Tanzi]

I was assuming from his post that the OP had told her that he was going into NC.

 

I agree that in some circumstances it is better to explain what you are doing and why ... but not for the dumpers sake, rather for the dumpees sake. Speaking from experence, deciding on NC is hard, sticking with it is even harder. Eventually we convince ourselves of all all sorts of things ... as the OP may well be doing now ... until we start regretting our decision. Knowing that we have done all we can do and said all we can do before heading off into NC should help banish those doubts creeping in at a later stage.

 

To make NC easier on yourself you have to feel completely comfortable with it. Therefore if the OP hasn't said what he is doing and why it may be a good idea to do so ... for his sake. If he has done so already then I don't feel he needs to make any further contact.

[HopefulDrew]

So what I propose is sending her short, wholly non- dramatic e-mail in which I make it clear that I respect her feelings if she prefers relating to me with animosity, but that I don't feel like that towards her and that I would prefer we be on amicable, if not friendly, terms. In addition mention that I hope she's well etc, something I genuinely do.

 

So, what do you think? Is this worth the effort, or should I just wait the 5-50 years it will take her to swallow her pride AND bump into me randomly?

 

I'm in a similar boat. Substitute the the animosity between you with my stupidity post breakup

 

I too want start talking to my ex. My purpose would be to just start talking again and to let her know that I'm no longer the guy she experienced after we broke up. I don't plan on putting on a big show, I just want to ask how she is. Make some small talk and go from there.

 

Panzermensch, I'm in favor of you contacting her. You know you don't need anything from her to move forward with your life, but you would prefer to with no animosity between the two of you. If you just go on without her, she may one day heal as well. But if you were to say how you want things to be better between you, then it could accelerate the healing. The key to it is making sure you don't provoke any negative feelings or reactions with what you say.

[bish0p2004]

I've attempted to be the bigger person in my situation...but I always revert back to being the little person.

 

It really doesn't do anything if a part of you still wants to reconcile.

[onground1]

I put up a post the other day in the "Breaking Up" section called "broke NC...and glad I did...". Basically, I accomplished something that helped me begin to move on. In my case, it was closure. In your case, it is something different, but it may be worth the effort if what you want to happen truly does make you feel better and helps you move on. Don't play games with yourself...your goal is to heal and in the end, move on. Whatever helps you do that, do it, and the sooner the better. Good luck.

[Panzermensch]

In general: No, I think it is a bad idea.

 

But what do you hope to get out of it?

 

Closure.

 

What pains me now is that I am a negative memory. That we are hostile, after all this. It's much more about myself thinking of myself as "The Great Destroyer".

 

I don't know what I want to get out of it really. It just pains me greatly that 19 months of hard work at rebuilding a friendship should be left burning by my inaction.

 

But then- yes, this isn't rational.

 

I guess I have my answer there.

 

Thank you everyone. Thank you for your patience, understanding and compassion.

 

h.

[Panzermensch]

You really have to look deep down at your motivation to know what to do.

 

In the end, how do you see this playing out if you sent her a message explaining all and what benefit is it to you?

 

(Great minds, Timebandit.)

 

Oh, I'm not planning on explaining anything. Just making it adamant to her that I'm not reciprocrating her hostility.

 

Now, what that would garner me except for the pain of certainty, I am unsure of. It might be something as childish as having the higher moral ground, I suppose.

 

Or it might just be, like I've insinuated, that I think it's utter BS to let the past 19 months decay into nothingness just because I didn't feel like talking to her while working out. (See earlier thread)

 

But then, I suppose that leaves me with something to explain with regards to why exactly I should bother with someone who reacted that way. I guess I think I know her enough to say that she felt hurt by my aloofness, rejected. And the whole point of this wasn't rejection. It was, rather, an attempt to actually return to her someday as the friend I want to be, rather than the pathetic ex- lover I currently am.

 

h.

[Panzermensch]

Seems you managed to put my intentions into better words than I myself am capable. Thank you for that.

 

I guess I need to have a few more rounds with myself to be absolutely sure that I am prepared for, or rather not deterred by whatever sort of reaction I will get from her. Even if it's nothing, even if it's pure spite.

 

I'm not there right now, so I'll put this on ice for the foreseeable future. It might be an OK thing to do when I leave the country in 4 months. Amicable farewells, and best of lucks etc.

 

Or maybe not. We'll see.

 

h.

[HopefulDrew]

Panzermensch after reading your NC log it is clear that you aren't ready to contact her. You are looking for relief by communicating with her. You have to find that on your own, then you can think about contacting her.

 

As much as I want to talk to my ex right now, I know I don't need to. This thought makes me feel like I am ready. It probably won't hurt anything if I wait another week or two. If at any point I get impatient and feel like I need to talk to her, then I will know that I'm not ready to reach out yet.

[minou]

"an attempt to actually return to her someday as the friend I want to be, rather than the pathetic ex- lover I currently am." If this is your intention, and you feel she does not understand the purpose of NC, I'd say send your note and even inject an extra note of kind regard in it. It is excruciatingly painful to be totally cold-shouldered after times of deep love & closeness. You also must have hurt her terribly with the rapid rebound. If you want her in your life one day, send her a note. If you care about her healing and want it to be less painful for her, send her a note. Be the bigger person & show respect to the love you once had.

[Panzermensch]

It's 3 pm here.

 

I think I'll start the long road towards eventually getting back in touch with her today. And I'll start by getting drunk tonight. Of course, I'll leave my phone at work so I don't get any of my trademarked bright ideas.

 

I'm changing my mail password to something random that I'm also leaving at work. And I already deleted her from FB, so that's not going to happen.

 

It's a pathetic way to start. But it's a start.

 

I mean, it's been several HOURS since I've wept- I must be careful that my tear ducts don't clog up.

 

Or something.

 

Thank you all for your advice and consideration. Though I've not gotten the answer I was looking for, at least I've found out that there isn't one readily available right now.

 

Who knows, in a few weeks, when my head stops buzzing from getting off of my antidepressants, maybe I won't care again. Maybe. Hopefully not, though- since these emotions are... pure.

 

Painfully pure.

 

h.

[Panzermensch]

So... turns out I was the sole purveyor of a feeling of animosity between us.

 

Last night I go drunk, and through some interesting reasoning I removed my block of her from MSN. So- slightly hung-over, but in a good mood I log onto MSN today, without any memory of having made her availabe- and boom. Guess who messages me, being all friendly and nice.

 

Yeah. The one I love above all things.

 

And it didn´t turn out to be a disaster. I chatted camply and positively, with a few strategic decoys left in there. And I cut it off (even though she initiated it), on a positive note. Even felt good enough to toss in a cute little nickname or two.

 

So- in my mind, this was all in my mind. She´s still fond of me (as a friend), and what is past is past. Her life is good, possibly in large part due to her having been able to establish a relationship with her new guy with me out of the picture. I´m okay with that.

 

And- 30 days of NC leaves us at LC. Or NIC, maybe. It´s not like I really want to hear about her life other than the glib superficialities one exchanges with strangers.

 

But then- I think it´s time for me to realize that I am one of those strangers. And as a consequence, that I won´t get to hear about anything significant in her life. We´ve gone full circle, really- we started as strangers getting to know eachother on MSN. Now we´re strangers trying not know eachother through the same media.

 

LC works better for me, though. There´s something reactive and self-aggrandizingly dramatic about the whole NC- affair. Remaining in NC means to put oneself in a reactive state, where your existence is defined negatively through the actions or inactions of the person who´s not supposed to hold sway in your life anymore.

 

LC is more like the apathy I carry towards every one of my acquaintances. Even my best friend, my parents- they could die or disappear tomorrow, and I wouldn´t care too much. Now, finally, I´m in a position closer to putting her in the same category- the Not Otherwise Specified random not-negative relation category.

 

Trivial. This entire relationship, she, us; finally trivial again. And I can do trivial any day of the week. Just don´t make me into your enemy.

 

h.