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Incompatible parents and children


Mr. Rosewater

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To what degree do all of you nice people out there believe that when parents are not compatible with their kids that it has adverse effects on the child's development? Does it result in a lack of direction on the child's part?

 

For example a father that is hypersensitive may well have a son that is not. A mother that is very feminine has a daughter that's a tomboy. Differences that are genetically predisposed as far as we're concerned. Not part of a rebellion etc.

 

It's been pointed out to me that this is the case with me and my dad. He is a go-getter business guy and I'm a right brained feeler. I tried to be like him from an early age but it just didn't fit.

 

I'm not using it as an excuse for my utter lack of direction and confidence. But do you think it's a valid reason?

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I think it can definitely have a great impact of the child's development. Of course the main factor is how the parent deals with it. I don't think in every case its detrimental. As long as the parent's are very supportive, caring, and accepting, that it'll be okay. But parents aren't all perfect unfortunately. And I think that incompatibility may be a source of serious conflict, and for a child to grow up being insecure with who they are. Consider a very traditional, and religious family raising a child who is gay. The child when growing is going to face some serious difficulties in forming, and coming to terms with their identity. Even in cases not so severe, where parents and child are just not compatible, it could be detrimental. Its the whole issue of the child not fitting what there parents expect/ want from them, identity confusion between who you are, and what someone wants from you. Parents are supposed to be your greatest supporters, no matter what decisions you make. And hopefully parents can accept the differences and provide support no matter what. But I think many times this isn't the case. I feel that I've experienced some sort of incompatibility with my parents my entire life. It's not a great feeling.

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Great answer.

 

It's complicated isn't it? My folks have always been supportive of me in a general sense. But I wonder if I would be different had I had a role model that was more in tune with my needs.

 

A big issue with my folks is that they really didn't stay involved in what I was doing in school. Or not doing more to the point. I think being involved in our children's education is REALLY important. It's the parents that need to show their kids the relevance of what they're learning above and beyond the positive reinforcement they receive in school in the form of grades. Because let's face it the public school system is lacking. There is not enough time or money for our schools to give the kids that fall through the cracks (me) the attention they need. By no means do I think that every kid should go to college, but the confidence that we gain in school about our ability to learn, NO MATTER AT WHAT LEVEL OR SPEED, is detrimental to our kids self esteems and how they approach their lives. No matter what they do for a living. Life is best when we understand that learning is life long.

 

I guess this is the philosophy I'm developing with regard to my daughter.

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Yes, involvement is very essential. I am always involved with whatever my son does and I am always routinely at the school and I get involved in all the fundraisers and other events. I talk to him every day about what went on in school and what his life dreams are etc. I was at every single one of his soccer games, I took him to Cubs every week for 4 years. One has to be involved for a kid to feel worthwhile.

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Also, it's funny, I have friends that when they hear talk of someone attributing personal problems to their upbringing their response is: "Get over it!"

 

I see your son has been diagnosed with ADHD?

 

I've been diagnosed with that and my Dad definitely would have been. The difference between me and my Dad however is I'm open to the idea that this condition actually exists and I'm addressing the symptoms. I actually sought counselling with regard to my impatience and outbursts and found out about ADHD. It all made sense. He might acknowledge it as a personality type that has benefitted him and that I should just figure out how to use it to my advantage and not let it limit me. Not to be LAZY!

 

I haven't actually told him I've been diagnosed with it and wouldn't. What he doesn't understand is that the symptoms of this condition in him manifested themselves in many negative ways that adversely affected my relationship with him. I never wanted to be around him due to his hyperactive impatience and fits of rage resulting from frustration.

 

He was just visiting me (I live far away) and I found it very hard to want to be around him. We always had to be doing something "constructive" around MY house! It was so annoying and now I understand why I disliked him as a kid. And also one of many reasons I wouldn't want to listen to his advice or instruction.

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I think you've brought up many important issues. And I think its great that its something you are considering critically it regards to how you want to raise your daughter.

 

Parents need to be involved and interested. My parents don't even know what I'm in university for, and they were never really that involved in my education or life in general, because I have chosen things that they wouldn't have chosen for me.

 

I'd never done well in school, failed all through high school. But somehow I got accepted in to college and then to university. Both of which I've achieved amazing grades and such. But the sad part is is that my parents refused to help me pay for this, because "they wouldn't pay for me to fail" while, they've financially support my brother and sister through their education.

 

Schools themselves are not able to provide the support necessary to fill in where parents are lacking, and unfortunately, sometimes the outcome isn't great...

 

Some kids are resilient, and others are't so much. Without support and encouragement some children aren't able to develop to their full potential. While others still do make it on their own.

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To me, it just means to have to work harder to see each others views. My son and I are big opposites in many ways, but there is a lot that hold us together too.I am always very open to his views and his personality.

 

I agree...you teach but having a child(ren) means you learn a lot from them as well and adjust.

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I agree...you teach but having a child(ren) means you learn a lot from them as well and adjust.

 

That is for sure!! My son has taught me SO much. He has taught me about who I am as a person and changed who I am in many ways. He has taught me about love and giving and so many other things. It is amazing what a child can do. I love him more than I could ever express. There are no big enough words to say how much I love and appreciate him.

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