Jump to content

He had sex with 2 girls in the 9 months we broke up.


GrowingUp

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I broke up last February. We broke up for 9 months. He told me that he had sex with two different girls in that nine months now that he is trying to get back together with me. He said that he regrets it, and that he was just looking for some attention and thought it would help him move on from me faster. He said he hates himself for doing it and he wishes he didn't. I am very hurt because we have been together for so long and now I have to think about this now that we are getting back together. I do want to get back together with him because I really care about him and the reason we broke up was because we were fighting over stupid things which we are working out now.

He said that I am hurting him because I keep bringing up that he moved on so fast. He keeps saying that he did not move on, that it was sex he used protections and he just feel stupid for doing it. What should I do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

GrowingUp,

 

You are the only one who can answer that question for yourself. For me personally, what I will say is this. I had an ex-g/f who cheated on me 6 months into our relationship, and told me about it 2 years into our relationship.

 

I really wanted to make it work with her, so I tried to overlook my rage, disgust, and pain in order to keep the relationship. The truth is, as hard as I tried, I always resented her for it. And she really did make alot of effort to show me that she cared and changed, but still I simply could not overcome the pain I felt whenever I looked at her.

 

Now your situation is different, because he never cheated on you, and every human being processes things differently. Only you can answer whether or not this is something you can get over and heal from. Truthfully though, if you think you will hold resentment against him for it, I suggest it may not be worth getting back into the relationship because in my experience those feelings don't fade away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

... many Man will hold on to it and never say a thing. Give him credit for the honesty. Now its all up to you if you can firgive him and move forward..

They were apart at the time. He was under no obligation -- moral, ethical or otherwise -- to ever say anything. And he doesn't need to be "forgiven," because he didn't do anything wrong.

 

As to whether the original poster can live with the circumstances is up to her, but let's not turn this into "right and wrong," because that's not in play here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Look Growingup,

 

You two were not together so honestly you dont have a say so. I understand your frustration because it would probably hurt me too if my girl and I broke up and 9 months later i found out she slept with 2 guys but if she explained it meant nothing and it was cause of the pain and she regrets it i would have no place to talk.

 

My ex from afew years ago and I had broken up for 9 months. I slept with numerous women and had kissed dozens more while she got involved in a rebound relationship. 9 months later when we started talking again, we didnt hold any of that against each other cause it was none of our business. We werent together.

 

If you really care about this guy and want to be with him, you need to grow up and realize that you guys were broken up. You cant expect him to just put his life on hold wondering if you guys were gonna work out. 9 months is a long time to be single and most people would have met someone within that time. It is not un common and you shouldnt even consider that he moved on so fast cause he didnt. thats a long time. Didnt you flirt, kiss, date anyone?? If you did, its the same thing only he went all the way but it still wasnt your business. Like i said, if you love him and care for him than be an adult and look past it. You are honestly being unfair to him about this. If you dont want to lose him i suggest you try to suck it up and look past it, otherwise you will most likely lose him for good if you cant let it go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do want to get back together with him because I really care about him and the reason we broke up was because we were fighting over stupid things which we are working out now.

 

You're adding this onto the list of things you shouldn't be fighting over. He had sex with a couple of other girls while he was single, & that's completely normal. He was honest with you about it, which is a plus. He's willing to work things out & wants to be with you, another plus.

 

I think that if you really want to make it work, you can look past that. If you ask me, he didn't do anything wrong; however, if you feel like you can't accept the fact that he slept with someone else while you were broken up for an entire year, that's a different issue.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It hurts because we have been together for over 5 years and I guess it makes me sad that he moved on so fast...all those years we were each others only partners and now thats gone. I don't know.

 

It is understandable that you would feel upset and disappointed....that comes from a place of pain, of feeling that he did the same kind of physically intimate things with others that he did with you. However, "moving on" is very different from having sex. "Moving on" is when the heart and mind move on and are no longer thinking of the ex left behind. People who have rebound relationships and sex with others in order to forget the pain of the break up have NOT moved on. They have only moved on if they really fall in love (not just infatuation, but real love) with someone else. Sex for the sake of having sex is not moving on. Your boyfriend came back to you...he never really moved on...he simply had sex to mask his pain from the break up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

From what you wrote, it seems like you're upset about the PERCEPTION that he moved on so quickly after you broke up, but it doesn't seem like that's what happened.

 

It's pretty typical for people who are coming out of a relationship to jump into a "rebound" situation, where they date/sleep with someone new--very soon after the break-up. It's kind of a knee-jerk reaction; a mental thing that makes you think (usually, incorrectly) that the new person will get your ex out of your system.

 

I think that's what happened here, with your boyfriend. I don't think him sleeping with these girls was any indication of his lack of feelings for you; and, actually, the fact that he was hurting after your break-up was probably a pretty big reason why he did it.

 

Now, since you were broken up at the time, he didn't necessarily have to tell you that he slept with these girls. He did so because he wants to be honest. He's apologized AND he already feels bad about it.

 

If you want to have a fresh start, and move on, then you need to accept that it happened, and believe him when he says that he cares about you and regrets his actions.

 

If you can't do that, then you're risking creating a new argument point in your relationship. Right now, it's just hurting his feelings that you keep bringing these two girls up, but eventually, if you keep dwelling on it, it'll most likely just start new arguments.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is understandable that you would feel upset and disappointed....that comes from a place of pain, of feeling that he did the same kind of physically intimate things with others that he did with you. However, "moving on" is very different from having sex. "Moving on" is when the heart and mind move on and are no longer thinking of the ex left behind. People who have rebound relationships and sex with others in order to forget the pain of the break up have NOT moved on. They have only moved on if they really fall in love (not just infatuation, but real love) with someone else. Sex for the sake of having sex is not moving on. Your boyfriend came back to you...he never really moved on...he simply had sex to mask his pain from the break up.

 

Thats exactly what he said, I guess I'm being immature.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with Crazyaboutdogs. I was with my ex for 2 or so years and when we broke up we were both crushed. An old female friend from high school happened to come into my life at the right timing. 3 weeks after my ex and i broke up i started hooking up with this other girl. Not cause i liked her, it was just nice to have company and it was mostly to fill that feeling of being alone. Well one night me and my female friend had sex. That next morning after she left i cried almost all day because it didnt feel right. I had not let go of my ex yet.

 

Your boyfriend probably felt the same way so you really should just drop it before you lose him again and risk the same things happening again!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He keeps saying that he did not move on, that it was sex he used protections and he just feel stupid for doing it.

 

And what more could you possibly want him to do or say?

 

If you cannot find a way to come to terms with this within yourself, you're going to sabotage the relationship you're rebuilding now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats exactly what he said, I guess I'm being immature.

 

You're not being immature.

 

When I got back together with my boyfriend, it bothered me that he even kissed another girl. I didn't hold it against him but it was hard to think about.

 

However, as time went by, it didn't bother me so much. Now it doesn't bother me at all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It hurts because we have been together for over 5 years and I guess it makes me sad that he moved on so fast...all those years we were each others only partners and now thats gone. I don't know.

 

If you break up with somebody, wouldn't you expect them to move on? Wouldn't you want them to go and have a happy life? It's a blow to the ego, for sure, but if you love someone, you just want them to be happy.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

GrowingUp. I can relate to your situation because I was in a position much like your boyfriend. My ex and I were also broken up for 9 months. In that time, I slept with one girl, and let me tell you, I didn't do it because I had moved on. I was still in so much pain. I still loved my ex and still wanted to be with her. My ex and I started talking again shortly after I slept with someone. I didn't tell her about it, but she eventually asked, instead of being honest with her, like your ex did with you, I lied to her. She asked numerous other times and I kept lying. We decided to get back together, but finally, one night, out of guilt, I came clean. I haven't spoken to her in over a month. I lost the love of my life.

 

Your ex was completely honest with you. Did you even ask him or did he just come out and tell you? I give him a lot of credit for that. He obviously still loves you and he told you about it because he wants to get back together and start fresh with you and put everything out on the table, no secrets, just complete honesty. Can't you see that? Please don't hold this against him. I really wish I would have done something as commendable as being completely honest about what I did during the breakup. At least he still has a chance with you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I went through this recently myself. Except we had both slept with other people. He was able to get over it, I wasn't.

 

In my case there were other issues as well though, it wasn't just the fact that he had been with other women.

 

Why did you break up? Who ended the relationhip?

 

I think it is important to remember that most men view sex differently than most women. For us it tends to have more meaning and emotional connection, but for them it can just be a physical as with no deeper meaning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is understandable that you would feel upset and disappointed....that comes from a place of pain, of feeling that he did the same kind of physically intimate things with others that he did with you. However, "moving on" is very different from having sex. "Moving on" is when the heart and mind move on and are no longer thinking of the ex left behind. People who have rebound relationships and sex with others in order to forget the pain of the break up have NOT moved on. They have only moved on if they really fall in love (not just infatuation, but real love) with someone else. Sex for the sake of having sex is not moving on. Your boyfriend came back to you...he never really moved on...he simply had sex to mask his pain from the break up.

 

Sorry to go off topic...

 

But how can real love be determined in a rebound relationship??

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand where you feel hurt. I was...still am... a little bit the same way. I haven't done anything with anyone since my breakup and if my ex comes back and says she has it will hurt a little bit. Especially since I didn't want it to end in the first place.

 

Howeeeeever, as others said you were broken up, you were both single. You could have done the same and he'd have to deal with it. Look at it as a new relationship. If he had sexual partners before you got together the first time it wouldn't be a big deal. It's almost the same thing. Don't let the fears stop you from doing what you want to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is understandable that you would feel upset and disappointed....that comes from a place of pain, of feeling that he did the same kind of physically intimate things with others that he did with you. However, "moving on" is very different from having sex. "Moving on" is when the heart and mind move on and are no longer thinking of the ex left behind. People who have rebound relationships and sex with others in order to forget the pain of the break up have NOT moved on. They have only moved on if they really fall in love (not just infatuation, but real love) with someone else. Sex for the sake of having sex is not moving on. Your boyfriend came back to you...he never really moved on...he simply had sex to mask his pain from the break up.

 

I agree completely.

 

My boyfriend and I split up over a year ago. we got back together about two months ago, we've been official for less than a month. Let's call him J.

 

A month and a half into the split I slept with another ex,who we'll call B. the first man I had ever split with and J hated him. He was horribly hurt when he found out I slept with someone else, and in particular J who he had something against from the start - J had cheated on me years ago (yet I was stupid enough to have sex with him several times). J found out while we were apart and went litterally CRAZY with rage.

 

It took him months to recover. Now we're back together and in love sometimes he tells me of the panic attack and the horrible pain it put him through. Because of that, he didn't even date for the whole time we were apart (kissed one or two girls). I sometimes want to tell him, 'BUT we weren't together at the time! why does it hurt you so much!' but I understand. I tell him the truth which is: it was just sex. I was never over him (J) fully, or else I wouldn't have gotten back together with him a year after the split, after all that time trying so hard to get over him. Sex is sex, especially for men. He loves you!! I was thinking about J the whole time when I was with B. One thing led to another and this happened, but it doesn't change anything to the fact I want to be with J now! And I wouldn't have slept with B if I wasn't trying so hard to get over J in the first place.

 

Don't worry. The images in your head, and your hurt will fade eventually. My boyfriend found it in his heart to forgive! Not forget, but he understands and the more time we spend together the more I can show him no one else really mattered in the time we were apart.

 

Hope this helps x

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thats exactly what he said, I guess I'm being immature.

 

No, you are not being immature at all. It is a hard pill to swallow knowing someone you really love had physical intimacy with someone else, no matter what the context was. Your feelings are perfectly normal. However, you can accept that you have those feelings while also choosing to not let those feelings ruin your future happiness. In other words, try to let it go and enjoy what you have now rather than dwelling on the past which you can't change.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

They were apart at the time. He was under no obligation -- moral, ethical or otherwise -- to ever say anything. And he doesn't need to be "forgiven," because he didn't do anything wrong.

 

As to whether the original poster can live with the circumstances is up to her, but let's not turn this into "right and wrong," because that's not in play here.

 

I agree with this. When you break up with someone, you end your committment to faithfulness to them. You aren't looking into a crystal ball saying "I might get back together with him or her one day." You are looking at the end and you are trying to figure out a new beginning.

 

How would you feel if he held it against you that you hooked up with someone else?

 

This is one of those issues where it's within YOU to either deal with it or let it go. Perhaps you need more time away from him ... perhaps you are not ready to be with him right now. It's not fair to him to bring this up and to punish him when he did nothing wrong. That is pushing your relationship back to where it was before the breakup - fighting over stupid things, as you say.

 

If he left your life again and reappeared in five years, would you care if he had been with other women? If he was the love of your life, would you put the breaks on due to his outside experiences? If so, then I think you need to realize that it's not always best to put your hurt above the relationship's health.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...