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We are supposed to get engaged this summer but I hate when he goes out with friends.


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Well long story short we have been in this relationship with each other for a very long time. We are in love but he hates that I get mad when he wants to go out with friends. I don't know why I get so mad, I know he won't cheat on me, and also he spends time with me but I get really angry and upset inside when he says he is going out with his friends, or his going to hang out with his friends. He said he doesn't know why I get so upset because he mainly just goes to play video games or watch sports with his friends. He even said he is too tired most of the time to even go hang out with friends but when he does I get mad. I told him just to let me know ahead of time if he is going out with friends and he said "It doesn't work like that, sometimes things just come up and sometimes I just want to go do them with my friends".

 

My advice to you is this normal? Am I wrong. I just want to know how to work this out. We are supposed to go to counseling before getting engaged but I need help right now. I'm hurting and I don't know why. Thanks everyone

I am new here also.

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in my opinion, yes, it's wrong. Being married doesn't mean you give up having friends or a life. I would advise you to get a grip on your feelings of anger when all he is doing is hanging out with friends, or he just might get sick of it and bail. No adult wants to feel like a prisoner in their relationship. He shouldn't have to plan everything he does with his friends days in advance. I don't.

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I guess I'm wrong then, its good to hear. He never disappears or anything no. He just expressed that he usually doesn't even answer the phone when his friends call because he already knows that I will get upset if he goes out with them . So I feel like I want to change this about myself if I'm being wrong. I don't even know why I get so upset. I just know that I get this sinking feeling all the way deep down in my stomach and I start thinking that he doesn't want to be around me, he would rather be with his friends.

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So what would you do if you were me? I like to read, or I like to go get coffee and hang out with my sister or my mom. Should I just develop my own hobbies or something?

 

Yes, that is exactly what you should do. Have hobbies and hang out with your friends! I actually used to be a lot like you, and our relationship started to fall apart. As long as you guys get time to go out on dates and see each other, you need to have time apart too. My boyfriend and I started doing (for Fri/Sat nights) one night was "date night" where we did what we want, and the other night is friend night where we hang out with our friends. Though sometimes we go out in a group with mutual friends.

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Yes. Have hobbies and hang out with your friends! I actually used to be a lot like you, and our relationship started to fall apart. As long as you guys get time to go out on dates and see each other, you need to have time apart too. My boyfriend and I started doing (for Fri/Sat nights) one night was "date night" where we did what we want, and the other night is friend night where we hang out with our friends. Though sometimes we go out in a group with mutual friends.

 

That sounds good. How much time is TOO much time with friends though? Is there such a thing?

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That sounds good. How much time is TOO much time with friends though? Is there such a thing?

 

 

That's a personal thing. I agree with the others though, you are putting him in a position where he wants to hang out with his friends but not get you upset. In doing so he is starting to hide when they call. You have to develop a life for yourself outside of this relationship, right now it sounds like he is the number one reason for your happiness, this is bad and very lob-sided in a relationship. You should work on finding balance between the two. Reading, hanging out with your friends more, but you need to do things because you want to, not because you are killing time until he is not hanging out with his friends.

 

If you don't fix this it will drive you two apart.

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I find that boredom increases the crazy neccesity to control your s/o's life more than normal. So just try to stay focused on other things and realize that your s/o has to have a support group outside of you to be happy. I like hanging with my girls alot and even though he doesn't say it much it makes my man unhappy- it makes me worry about what really might wind up happening one day. I am in a weird situation because when my boyfriend is here we are totally together and when he leaves I feel more free to go out and have fun with friends but I don't think I could ever sacrifice all of my friends and family just for him even though I love him more than anything in the world.

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OP, I think you need to get more hobbies of your own. That will help a lot. But the real issue is that I think you feel like you should be able to fulfill all of your SO's needs, and it makes you feel insecure when he goes to hang out with his friends. Honestly, you can't be everything to someone. People need to have friends besides their SO. It is unhealthy to expect someone to fulfill every single one of your needs. What a burden that would be.

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He's doing nothing wrong. In fact what he's doing is normal as everyone should have friends outside of their relationships. It's very healthy to have outside interests and friends other than expecting to be with your partner 24/7. The more you fight against him having his friends, the more you'll push him away. You have unrealistic expectations and it will cause resentment.

 

Why don't you go out with your own friends? Does he argue with you when YOU go out? Don't you have any outside interests apart from him? If not, then find some hobbies, go to the gym, go to movies with your friends and do girly things at the mall. Do voluntary work, etc etc. There are endless things you could do when he hangs out with his friends. Sitting at home getting all anxious and twisted won't do the relationship any good at all.

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Its about balance really. If he's giving you more than enough time together, there's nothing wrong here. In fact its healthy and needed.

You need to build up your life, your hobbies, your friends. Remember..they are only PART of your life, not your ENTIRE life. Think of it like a pie chart...most happiness will come when all parts are distributed somewhat equally based on what the person values in their life.

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