is it fair to blame her?

[onthebound]

i'm starting to realize lately just how much my mother has failed me in my almost-26 years of life. and it's making me resent her a LOT. just looking at her lately makes me ill, and i'm not really sure what to do about it.

 

for most of my life, she has put herself and her drama before my needs. medical, mental, emotional or otherwise. i just went to physical therapy for the first time ever a few days ago because i have problems with my back and my legs. i found out that this likely started from a back injury i obtained when i was 14 or 15 that was never treated properly. because my mother was so oblivious to me, it just never really got dealt with. same thing with my legs. i injured both my knees and never got physical therapy for either of them. i didn't know i needed it, and it wasn't my job to find out. i was a kid. so now i have twisted vertebrae, my right hip is lower than my left and my knees/legs are messed up, so much so that i can't even maintain a job where i have to be on my feet for long periods of time. i'm a freelance photographer for a local magazine but don't make much money at all and could really use a second job, but can't get seem to get anything that i'm physically capable of doing right now. so i'm stuck living with my mother, her stupid boyfriend, his son, his nephew and the son's girlfriend. and none of them cares about me at all, which is made obvious pretty much daily.

 

i am getting out soon. moving to the other side of town, but plans for that got put on hold because of the snow. it's still happening so at least i know i'm getting away from these people soon, but i'm still struggling with the realization that i want nothing to do with my own mother anymore, or the people she's chosen to surround herself with. she is just this weak, miserable person who can't do anything for herself, much less anyone else.. and i can't stand her. for the past six years she has continuously placed her and her boyfriend above all else, including my brother and me. she allows him and his family to talk down to, disrespect and humiliate my brother (who is autistic, i should add) and me and convince her that it's justified. she refuses to stand up for me, even when she knows i'm right. ugh.. just.. so many things. i don't understand it. how can one person claim to love their children and do nothing to really prove it?

[rosephase]

how can one person claim to love their children and do nothing to really prove it?

 

Just because someone loves you doesn't mean they know how to take care of you. I agree it wasn't your job at 14 or 15 to know you needed physical therapy but you say it like you mom would just some how know that you needed it.

 

It sounds like you are in a bad place but a bad place that you are getting out of soon. But what isn't going to help you now or in the long run is placing blame. Your in control now, so take control and promise yourself that now that you are an adult you with make sure you are taken care of. And if at all possible, try to forgive your mother. She might not have been the best mom to you but she is your mom.

 

Maybe after you move out you and you have some space from her you will be able to be a bit more forgiving.

[cj91481]

onthebound,

 

I have that sort of relationship (well we don't really have any contact) with my mother. She was a drug addict and alcoholic and never took care of me. I have been on my own for most of my life and cared for my younger brothers and sisters from the age of 7. I used to have to go at 2am at 9 years old to the bar (walking) to pick my mom and her drunk friends up and drive (yes i drove at 9) home.

 

I did bad in school cause I was always tired and just alot of things have happened.

I hate her I love her but I hate her and refuse to allow her into my life. I know the feeling. You can pm me anytime to chat.

 

I know what your going through it's hard and I'm sorry.

[doityourself]

I also had/have a very confusing relationship with my mother.

 

Can I ask you if we say yes its okay to blame your mother for all that she did but what help would that be to you?

 

It took me years on years to come to terms of the BS that my mom put us through and to get over the hate I felt for her for her uncaring self. It hurt me worse than it hurt her for me to carry around all that negativity.

 

Im sorry that you are going through this.

[onthebound]

maybe some day i will get to a place where i can forgive her.. but i don't foresee me ever really wanting to maintain a relationship with her. all the things she's put me through.. the years of physical and emotional abuse and neglect, all the jerks/losers she dated.. so many things. she may have given birth to me, but that doesn't automatically earn her a front row seat in my life.

 

i am trying to put my life back together again, doing what i can to make it work. i have just been realizing lately how much farther along i could be if she had just done her job. i hope i can forgive her some day, but i can't even fathom it right now.

[onthebound]

onthebound,

 

I have that sort of relationship (well we don't really have any contact) with my mother. She was a drug addict and alcoholic and never took care of me. I have been on my own for most of my life and cared for my younger brothers and sisters from the age of 7. I used to have to go at 2am at 9 years old to the bar (walking) to pick my mom and her drunk friends up and drive (yes i drove at 9) home.

 

I did bad in school cause I was always tired and just alot of things have happened.

I hate her I love her but I hate her and refuse to allow her into my life. I know the feeling. You can pm me anytime to chat.

 

I know what your going through it's hard and I'm sorry.

 

thank you, i appreciate that. i did bad in school because of my mother too. i'm sorry you had to go through that as a kid. my mom wasn't an alcoholic, but the affects are still similar. failing as a parent is failing as a parent.. and sometimes it can take a long time to fix what they've broken.

[onthebound]

I also had/have a very confusing relationship with my mother.

 

Can I ask you if we say yes its okay to blame your mother for all that she did but what help would that be to you?

 

It took me years on years to come to terms of the BS that my mom put us through and to get over the hate I felt for her for her uncaring self. It hurt me worse than it hurt her for me to carry around all that negativity.

 

Im sorry that you are going through this.

 

i don't know. i just feel like i blamed myself for so long. like it had to be my fault that i wasn't doing enough to make up for what she wasn't giving me. i know now, as an adult, that sometimes you have to fix other peoples' mistakes and there's nothing you can do about it.. but at the moment it just seems so unfair. my life isn't what it's supposed to be, and it's her fault. i'm taking it upon myself to fix it, but i feel like i've wasted so much time on things i couldn't control and now i'm just so far behind. i'm supposed to be that overachiever, the one who has a life organized and planned out, who has a good job, is in good health and can afford to support themselves.. and right now i'm not that person, and it's probably going to take me a long time to get there.

[doityourself]

Life is never what we make it is it? You may feel bummed about having to "fix" all that she broke or ignored but once you get settled with yourself, it will make you feel great to know that you were a strong person to be able to do it.

 

Many people crack under pressure, you will have the ability to go beyond that and achieve everything you want. All because your use to doing it on your own. Thats a great feeling.

[onthebound]

Life is never what we make it is it? You may feel bummed about having to "fix" all that she broke or ignored but once you get settled with yourself, it will make you feel great to know that you were a strong person to be able to do it.

 

Many people crack under pressure, you will have the ability to go beyond that and achieve everything you want. All because your use to doing it on your own. Thats a great feeling.

 

yeah, i know. things will be better once i'm out of here and away from her. it's just how to deal with it all in the meantime that i'm having trouble with. all these things she, her boyfriend, his son, etc., do.. i just don't know how to not let it affect me sometimes.

[doityourself]

Try and stay out of house as much as possible, go to library or where ever else you can till its bed time.

 

Ignore all the arguing, dont get sucked into the drama.

[DocDave]

yes it's fair to blame her. now get out while you can.

[onthebound]

yes it's fair to blame her. now get out while you can.

 

i'm trying.

[BriarRose]

yes it's fair to blame her. now get out while you can.

 

Well said. You have a game plan, stick with it.

[arcadefire]

Perhaps it's fair to blame her, but it's never too late to take charge of your own life. She has done enough for you and to you. Don't allow her to get under your skin. Take your own power in your life to do what you need to live life to the fullest.

[BriarRose]

Perhaps it's fair to blame her, but it's never too late to take charge of your own life. She has done enough for you and to you. Don't allow her to get under your skin. Take your own power in your life to do what you need to live life to the fullest.

I agree. Focus more on moving forward and don't let the resentment build or it can poison you...just accept your differences and try to move forward without guilt, blame or resentment (although I know that is hard to do).