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Regressing Back Into Sandess


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I think this is more of a bonding and rant post than anything, but feel free to chime in with any experience or advice.

 

Do you ever think you're okay and over the relationship only to fall back into sadness like it JUST happened? I was screwed up all day, every day for the first 4 months or so and since then it's been off and on with me. I'll be good for a week and feel fine like I have accepted it. Then the next week BAM, for no real reason I am right back to feeling like it just happened. I can't take the yo-yo'ing of my emotions. It's driving me insane. The dreams even came back last week as I had 2 dreams about my ex and myself.

 

It's been over 5 months. I really don't think I should still be hung up on the relationship, but it definitely still hurts how she acted and I do still love her. I just can't shake the idea of how easily she turned around and walked away. No matter what I said she wouldn't listen. I poured my heart out and she treated me like a stranger. It just hurts deep down on a personal/social level. How the hell could someone be so heartless after 4 years. Every single communication I've had from her since the breakup, stuff I've seen online or heard through other people it's like she didn't lose a minute of sleep over it. I knew she is the type to bottle up her emotions and bury them down, but this is ridiculous. I know we loved each other and had something special, so why is she acting this way.

 

It's not even so much about the breakup anymore, as I have accepted she probably isn't coming back and to be honest I don't know what I'd do if she tried. It's more about just two people and one completely not caring anymore - I don't get it. I can't believe how she has handled things. Oh yeah, she also wanted to stay friends, but has done nothing to even try friendship. I don't want friends, but she didn't even try so that was bull * * * * .

 

Anyone else experiencing these insane slips back into sadness after MONTHS have passed? How are you dealing?

 

Damn.. that felt good just to get it out. Some things just stay in your mind and you can't make any sense of them.

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sounds pretty normal to me..it's been 3 months for me and i have good days and bad days...good week here or there..then KABOOM, i'll see something online or see an old pic and it feels like someone stabbed you right back in the gut....eventually the good days are starting to outweigh the bad. it is hard to believe that someone could walk away if they felt the kind of feelings that we did. the thing is, they could be feeling bad or regretful or pissed and missing us, too..the thing is, we'll never know.

 

it really makes you question ever having faith in what people say anymore...it's kind of like, what's the point of ever committing to someone, only to have them up and leave you 5 or 10 years later.

 

but yeah, sounds like you're right where you should be hang in there....

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Sounds very similar to my situation. We were together for 5 years. She said she really really wanted to be freinds, but her efforts have been minimal. How can she be so heartless? Something to keep in mind.... (a no-brainer...but hard to see when you're in love with them) people who can bottle up their emotions are very good at hiding. Most of the time when the person decides to leave...they have gone back and forth and struggled to come up with the courage to do this for months...even up to a year and a half..if I believe my ex...which I don't. You are doing better than you think you are. You are bound to have tough weeks, dreams of her...and feel like the b/u is brand new again. I feel the same way. Healing is not linear. After a LTR I think it is more like a jigsaw puzzle...often you think you're done..but then you find another piece. It's 3 months for me...you are healing at your own pace. This is not a scientific process that has a set timetable. Congratulate yourself for coming as far as you have.

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Hey man, I dunno why but today I am going through same thing, I feel like it just happened again. Your paragraph I quoted above could have been written by me, same time, same post breakup experience and same feelings. I wish I could say something to you to make it better. Unfortunately for me, life is crashing down around me on other levels so this might be making it worse.

 

Just going to take more time I think. I've stopped my adventures in self help books and audiotapes and they were really helping me but I'm just panicking about the rest of my life. Maybe I will go back to the books, I have a good stack of useful ones but none that focus on relationships as I just didn't feel like going back to that as I had been doing better. I just drove home from the gym and was thinking all those things you said above, I have no idea how she could do this and never give a hoot when we were so close before.

 

I took some comfort in some words written by Crazyaboutdogs recently that applies to her and can help - I thought back to her previous actions and the guy she left for me who she just tossed aside without explanation (the guy kept texting her as we started seeing each other in 2005 and she just ignored it):

 

"The way to overcome the bitterness is to realize that the person who really wronged you has major issues and probably has left a trail

of debris every time she enters someone's life and exits like a tornado. This woman will pull the same stunt on everyone because there

is such internal damage in her...in other words, what she did is not directed against you per se, but against the world. Selfish people,

destructive people are like that with everyone in some form or other. So remove the bitterness by seeing your ex as pathetic.

 

In many cases where there was dysfunction, the ex wasn't exactly there for the partner. Dysfunctional, selfish people are not "there" for

their partner..they create the drama but often don't create security and comfort for the other person. Favourite foods, how the person

sleeps and how they smell...meaningless if the person creates drama and grief and heartache for the partner. It is indeed seeing it

in an adult way to recognize that a relationship that is built solely on knowing the other person's habits but not showing compassion,

warmth and caring, and just creating high drama (which is what leads to the bitterness) is not worth it..that the person is not worth it.

A caring, loyal person who has been in a relationship with someone who is dysfunctional and leaves a trail of destruction,

is not at all pathetic...because that person tried to make a relationship work. It is not pathetic to try and to love..what is pathetic is

those who are emotionally messed up and wreak havoc on those who try to love them."

 

I'm worried that this has messed me up for some time to come. I am strong enough to move on but I'm scarred to bits by all this and will require major reflection and self mental surgery. It will be six months next week, on valentine's day. lol. I would put in a FML here but it's overused. Ah screw it, FML!

 

Chin up jimmajam, we can sort this out, we are stronger that this.

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"The way to overcome the bitterness is to realize that the person who really wronged you has major issues and probably has left a trail

of debris every time she enters someone's life and exits like a tornado. This woman will pull the same stunt on everyone because there

is such internal damage in her...in other words, what she did is not directed against you per se, but against the world. Selfish people,

destructive people are like that with everyone in some form or other. So remove the bitterness by seeing your ex as pathetic.

 

In many cases where there was dysfunction, the ex wasn't exactly there for the partner. Dysfunctional, selfish people are not "there" for

their partner..they create the drama but often don't create security and comfort for the other person. Favourite foods, how the person

sleeps and how they smell...meaningless if the person creates drama and grief and heartache for the partner. It is indeed seeing it

in an adult way to recognize that a relationship that is built solely on knowing the other person's habits but not showing compassion,

warmth and caring, and just creating high drama (which is what leads to the bitterness) is not worth it..that the person is not worth it.

A caring, loyal person who has been in a relationship with someone who is dysfunctional and leaves a trail of destruction,

is not at all pathetic...because that person tried to make a relationship work. It is not pathetic to try and to love..what is pathetic is

those who are emotionally messed up and wreak havoc on those who try to love them."

 

QUOTE]

 

 

wow, that is so true...thanks for posting!

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same boat fellas. Its like the universe comes at us all at the same time. Strange. I was thinking the same way today. Who was this girl I dated for 6yrs that she can flip this switch? She is not the girl I thought she was. I feel like I was dating an actress. Then the movie was over. Bang shes no longer working.

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Well replace 5months for 8months (8 freakin' months today, wow) and I could have written this today. I was going to post something about 'stuck' today but you beat me to it. This weekend has been a set back in sadnesss. No idea why. My car dying and missing some plans didn't help I'm sure. What CaDs wrote is really good. My ex always said she was selfish. One reason she never wanted kids, she felt she was too selfish. A red flag I suppose. But I thought a valid reason, it makes sense. I mean we are all selfish to some degree, so I figured it's normal. I guess the degrees of selfishness make the difference. I never guessed it would apply to me. lol /fool I am now part of the wreckage left behind. Ouchie. It really does a head job on those left behind.

 

Anyhoo, after 4years it's striking to have someone click that switch and go bye-bye. That 'friend' thing still baffles me. I got that to, then zero I mean zero effort. Yes I know the usual reasons, but come on! We're freakin' adults!! I still cannot believe people actually behave like this, not adults. Not 37 year olds. It's disillusioning and disappointing. We all made deals with adults and somehow ended up with poorly behaved children. What a drag! So right there with you JJ.

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I'm there with you guys as well. It's been about 4 months for me and these last few days have been a down point. I saw a post of hers on a friend's wall and realized her profile pic is one of her and the new guy, something she never did of us in the 2 years we were together. I knew not to expect it but part of me still hoped I'd hear from her on my birthday, which of course didn't happen. I'm the one who started NC and removed her from FB, so I still wonder sometimes if it's just her following my wishes, or if she just doesn't care anymore. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway as I learned the hard way that she's no longer the same girl I fell in love with.

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