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And writing my ex who is definitely not worth my time or tears. I decided I'd get it out here. This past weekend was kind of tough for me leading into this morning. My anniversary with the ex would have been yesterday. We both managed to stick to the NC. He usually plays an online game, he avoided it all weekend, which was weird. He's been on that thing non-stop since the break. Probably because for the first weekend in a long while I finally stopped avoiding it and enjoyed playing it again. (We met online in that game.)

 

He had contacted me earlier in the week just to tell me not to contact him. which is funny since I hadn't been. Don't know why he felt the need to tell me not to when I hadn't been. But w/e. We got into it again. Because he was also accusing me of talking to his mom which I put on ignore a two weeks ago along with him and his brother. I was done with the relationship after being shoved around, spit on, my things broken (doors/walls/ect) and completely disrespected. So I told him to grow up and put him on ignore.

 

I figure this weekend was probably a big hurdle for me that I think I've cleared. Vday is around the corner which also happens to be his bday. I can't help but think about him and sometimes like now I want to reach out to him but I know he'll never change and like I stated earlier, he's put me through too much. However it's like I'm still waiting for him to come back. When I know I shouldn't be and because of that I won't give myself permission to move on from him. Part of me wants him back, even though he was a big jerk because when we were good. We were really out of this world good. But when it was bad....he's done the most unimaginable, worse things you can do to another human being. Short of just completely beating the crap out of me.

 

It's like my head already knows what I need to do and how to go about it, and it's just waiting on my heart to catch up. But my heart is waiting for him. Stupid I know. I just feel like I'm stuck and need to find a way out. Doesn't help that I don't think he's done contacting me. So it makes it harder to move on because I'm expecting him to get in touch just when I do.....Maybe I just need to hear it from an "outsider". Or maybe I just need to vent. Anyone else in this situation or have been? Can offer any guidance as to what to expect next? What to do next? I'm having such a hard time letting him go, and finding some kind of peace of mind/comfort lately. Btw sorry this was kind of long. Thanks for reading though.

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Although you weren't contacting him, he wanted to put it out there clearly, that there was to be No Contact. Thats fine and dandy. He wants No Contact, you give it to him.

 

1. Change your cell phone number

2. Change locks on your doors (I got the impression that you lived together)

3. Get yourself a notebook, journal, diary and write.

 

Its OK to still want him even with the nasty break up. This desire for him will go away with time. Right now, you are more than welcome to fight urges and tell yourself you want to forgive him, and then turn right back around and tell yourself you hate him. Give yourself plenty of time for this and you will one day either get bored of struggling with yourself, or you will get tired of it, and make a decision to change it. That again, comes with time. Take things slowly and soak in everything that is going on.

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I've already done alot of that. With the exception of the cell number. Too much of a hassle in my opinion and I doubt I have to worry about him calling......Thanks for the advice though.

 

My main thing is he is the one that keeps putting himself back into my face. Like contacting me a week later to tell me not to contact him. That makes no sense. If you truly don't want contact with someone, you leave them alone if they've been leaving you alone. Duh. I think he pulled that happy bs on purpose. Which is why I think he'll do more. And the more I think like that, the harder it is for me to move on. Because I don't want to move on, start a new relationship (which I've been contemplating) just to have him come back to ruin it all and make me question it. Guess I need a way to find closure without actually contacting him to get it. I refuse to break the NC I put into place over two weeks ago.

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Also,...this was not the first break up. This is just the longest we've stayed broken up. We usually worked it out by now in the past. Because I'm supposedly everything he ever wanted. But he never treated me that way. I think the NC thing was him reaching out. (Sounds stupid again, I know but it's true) I think he expected an email from me the next day like I usually would've done, then we would have talked it over via email and met up again. I didn't do it this time.

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