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Being in Different Stages


Salicia

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Would anyone continue to have an age gap relationship with someone who wanted something drastic in their lives like marriage or moving to another town when you aren't thinking about that in your life at the moment even though you want to do the same thing down the road?

 

This question popped in my head because I feel that me and my bf are in different stages in our lives (me 21, him 32) and he is wanting to settle down while I'm still trying to build up my career. I want to settle down (hopefully with him) one day but I feel like getting my career in order first is my number one priority right now. I know we can work things out so that the both of us will be happy.

 

I'm not really trying to get advice from this too much. I'm just curious about how others treated this issue.

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I feel that me and my bf are in different stages in our lives (me 21, him 32) and he is wanting to settle down while I'm still trying to build up my career. I want to settle down (hopefully with him) one day but I feel like getting my career in order first is my number one priority right now..

It sounds to me like you have a very wise head on your shoulders. You are absolutely right that your number one priority should be getting your career in order (again, VERY wise of you) and you are doing the right thing (imo). There is plenty time for you to get married at a later stage.

Also, you are right too when you say you two are at different stages in your lives. He has had a ten year head start on you and has done many many things which you haven't yet had the opportunity to do - hence you should go ahead and focus on your career right now. He has already had the chance to sort out his career and you owe it to yourself to do the same.

 

Keep that wise head on your shoulders and you'll do very well in life.

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I'm 30 and the girl I've been talking to is 21. We're not even official so that's not an issue, it wouldn't be anyways b/c I'm still not ready for a family. Hopefully you and him can make it work regardless, if he'll be patient with moving forward...is he wanting a decision or something?

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I don't think he's waiting for a decision but I think it's just a huge decision altering our lives right now. I'm going off to grad school soon and he has a steady job in the same town where I'm currently going to school. He's seeing me more as a long term partner (we just started dating recently but we have known each other for three years) and I maybe moving out of NC because of grad school so that may jeopardize our future plans of staying together as a couple.

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I did not, and my gap was much more than yours (I also moved away from a city for graduate school). If I had stayed in that relationship, I would have been completely miserable--he indeed wanted a more long-term commitment from me that I wasn't ready or able to give when he put on the air that he really was fine with us dating. He claimed he didn't care for marriage right away, but that's what he wanted; I don't want children, he claimed he didn't but did. I don't know how it would have worked out anyway as the next year he went to medical school thousands of miles away.

 

(Incidentally, he also soon afterward met someone and they got pregnant right away...lol).

 

All that still didn't make it suck any less though when I had to leave. It hurt.

 

An unfortunate truth about some circumstances between professional couples, especially people like you who have aspirations of graduate school, is that one person gets left behind if you will, for whatever reason, if the other person's job isn't portable or they are otherwise unwilling to move. It's not a fair deal, it's just not. Unless you are both willing to go the distance with a set timetable and plan for your relationship, I'm not sure how that aspect will necessarily end happily given that he's more rooted right now. Whatever happens, do what you feel is in your best interest.

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I have a simmilar but perhaps completely opposite problem; My girlfriend is 5 years older than me, and from a culture where not being married by 30 is still out of the norm. But obviously I have an education and prospective career to deal live.

 

She accepts that I need to do things with my life first though, and that it's too early to make such a commitment, so she's happy to wait until i'm ready.

 

So whilst my case is different, there are similarities- if you're good a strong couple you can compromise, but it'll be tough.

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I'm 38 and my ex is 23. I've just had to end things because we are at such different stages. I've never played the age card, never once bought it up but its clear thats the problem. I gave her room to grow, tried to encourage her with her career as thats important but her being in the relationship was not teaching her what she needs to learn in order to value it, she has to go back out there and have some more relationships in order to appreciate what we had.

 

Sadly by the time she has done this, it may be too late for us, but there is an amazing connection and i've never loved anyone so much in my life.

But i think sorting out your career, learning about yourself is vital and you can only grow in certain ways in a relationship, other growth is as important before you can have a successful relationship, knowing who you are and what you want for example

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