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Healed, but I never wanted anything bad to happen to him...


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He had a death in his family that will greatly impact him, his daughters and his little grandkids. I feel horrible for all the anger I had felt for him these past few weeks for the way he'd treated me (before this happened).

 

I admit he took me for granted, bigtime, but he is a good person and I feel awful about this.

 

All my previous talk of Karma....it's all crap - I NEVER wanted this...I want him to be happy.

 

Try to release the anger you feel towards them...try to find it in your heart to wish them happiness.

 

I am SO glad I always showed him kindness (even when I was mad, I never said words I regret). He needs that now.

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You had no responsibility in his family death so dont blame yourself. We always want to best for someone we once loved and still truly care about. Nothing wrong with that but definitely, I would send my condolences. Just the other day, I thought my ex was sad and it made me sad...weird but it shows i still care about him even though I hid it.

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You had no responsibility in his family death so dont blame yourself. We always want to best for someone we once loved and still truly care about. Nothing wrong with that but definitely, I would send my condolences. Just the other day, I thought my ex was sad and it made me sad...weird but it shows i still care about him even though I hid it.

Oh yes, I sent him my condolences. He had called me to tell me what happened and I missed the call.

 

I know I had nothing to do with the death, I just feel remorseful for the animosity I had felt for him lately.

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The way his marriage ended, I'm thinking you said he was abandoned, it is no wonder he is a little cold toward women now. He will never be the same person after that I'm sure. It sounds as if he's had a pretty tough go of it lately.

 

Well, it was 4 years ago...but still....it would take me years to get over a 25 year marriage. Yes, and now this awful thing. My heart really goes out to him. Like you said, he's not had it easy.

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Oh yes, I sent him my condolences. He had called me to tell me what happened and I missed the call.

 

I know I had nothing to do with the death, I just feel remorseful for the animosity I had felt for him lately.

 

Ok so I know you have forgiven him but you haven't forgiven yourself. You didnt' do anything wrong. Everything you went through, is normal so stop beating yourself up.

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I remember years ago after my mom died. My father had always been a wonderful husband. He never cheated, never abused, just a good guy all around. Everyone loved my dad. Then when my mom was gone, he just turned off like a light switch. It was like our "family" no longer existed, was if it was just a dream that ended abruptly. And awhile afterward, he told me he never wanted anyone to "need" him. I'm thinking your friend was probably in a similar state, Misskitty. Life is just so hard, it really is. I know I don't have to remind you of that though.

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I remember years ago after my mom died. My father had always been a wonderful husband. He never cheated, never abused, just a good guy all around. Everyone loved my dad. Then when my mom was gone, he just turned off like a light switch. It was like our "family" no longer existed, was if it was just a dream that ended abruptly. And awhile afterward, he told me he never wanted anyone to "need" him. I'm thinking your friend was probably in a similar state, Misskitty. Life is just so hard, it really is. I know I don't have to remind you of that though.

 

I understand....and I totally agree. He put up such a tough shell, but I don't think he really got over her. He spoke of her often. Said he didn't know if he could ever "open himself" up again to someone else - and I didn't take that as a blow-off - I think he was being truthful.

 

In hindsight, I could have been a better friend to him, too. I was preoccupied with my treatment.

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OMG MissKitty, please go back and read your threads from the last few weeks. You're making excuses for this guy, and continue to blame yourself.I'm not trying to be be mean, but in a way it's hard to give you advice when you keep flip flopping like this.

I don't know whether to be sympathetic or frustrated.

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He had a death in his family that will greatly impact him, his daughters and his little grandkids. I feel horrible for all the anger I had felt for him these past few weeks for the way he'd treated me (before this happened).

 

I admit he took me for granted, bigtime, but he is a good person and I feel awful about this.

 

All my previous talk of Karma....it's all crap - I NEVER wanted this...I want him to be happy.

 

Try to release the anger you feel towards them...try to find it in your heart to wish them happiness.

 

I am SO glad I always showed him kindness (even when I was mad, I never said words I regret). He needs that now.

 

compassion. kindness towards others is always an indication of kindness towards yourself. it's not possible to give that to another without first knowing within yourself. putting yourself in someone else's shoes...opening yourself up to what someone else is going through. seems to breed understanding...and acceptance. sounds like you've taken an important step in your own process.

 

nice post misskitty.

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OMG MissKitty, please go back and read your threads from the last few weeks. You're making excuses for this guy, and continue to blame yourself.I'm not trying to be be mean, but in a way it's hard to give you advice when you keep flip flopping like this.

I don't know whether to be sympathetic or frustrated.

 

I don't blame myself. I just feel badly for things that have happened to him - like his wife of 25 years leaving him, losing his job, now this death in his family....

I'm just sad for him, that's all.

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MissKitty--you don't need to feel bad for your anger and resentment.

 

If your thoughts were all-powerful, you could have prevented the breakup just by wanting to. Your anger had nothing to do with what he is going through.

 

Whatever his circumstances, when he walked away, he chose life without you. Personally, I think he was dumb to let go of such a kind lady. But regardless of what I think of his decision, in making it, he did two things: he hurt you--but he also set you free. A consequence of his choice that is that you owe him nothing; neither your sympathy, concern, comfort, friendship, or anything else.

 

Whatever comes at him now--good or bad--is his to deal with, alone. If you want to feel compassion for someone, feel it for yourself; you were hurt. Take the kind thoughts and forgiveness you are sending to him, and spend them on yourself. He is history, and you are the future. Your time and energy are better spent on yourself--healing, taking care of you, and thinking about *you*.

 

And now, perhaps I will go and take my own advice.

 

Love,

Marshmlofluff

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I hope your thoughts no longer will be filled with self-pity that he doesn't love you MissK, I hope you'll feel better and start healing from now on. it sucks that it happened to him, but don't blame yourself. Take care.

No, just seems like a lot of bad things have happened to him in recent years and I don't want him to be unhappy.

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Misskitty--it sucks what happened to him, but his happiness isn't your problem any more. And that decision--for you not to be the person who worries about his happiness--was his; he made it when he left you. Lest you start to feel too sorry for him, or tender toward him, remind yourself that he makes that same decision again every single day he chooses not to be with you. It's harsh, and a bitter pill to swallow, but it's true.

 

He didn't worry about *your* happiness when he dumped you, or treated you unkindly; he worried about his own. So I'd say he's pretty good at looking out for his own happiness. Save your thoughts and good wishes for yourself. You let him worry about his own happiness, and you take care of yours.

 

And like I said before, I am trying to take my own advice. Sometimes I think to myself that my ex must be hurting more than I am; he must be missing me as he goes through difficult times and family crises and depression without a shoulder to lean on, as he used to. And I feel like reaching out.

 

Despite being the dumper, I almost feel like he will have a harder time of our breakup than me. He may not want me as a girlfriend, but he lost his best friend--and he has to live with that consequence and the knowledge that it was his decision. But whenever I start to feel sorry for him, I realize that what happens to him, from now on, isn't my problem. When someone hits you, you don't feel sorry for him because he hurt his hand. You move on.

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No, I agree. I can still care about him, but doesn't mean I ever want to see him again. And now I know he was just reaching out to me when he broke NC, just to gauge my reaction, and not because he wanted someone to talk to - otherwise he wouldn't have ignored me when I responded kindly.

 

I would never want him in my life again. He would always take me for granted. But I still do care about him.

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If you want to care about him, you certainly can do that.

 

In fact, you have the rest of your life to care about him--after you stop hurting, and after it stops hurting you to care. There is nothing wrong in taking some time off, and caring about you instead. Worry about you. You are hurting, so treat yourself with as much love and concern as you would treat him.

 

For the moment, be selfish. Enjoy it. Heal. When you are fully better, you can care about him again--except...you may find that he no longer matters.

 

And someday, find someone who cares about you, too, and deserves your tremendous love. Because I don't know if you are like me, but sometimes--at least for me--caring about my ex has been just another way of hanging on. It wasn't always conscious.

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If you want to care about him, you certainly can do that.

 

In fact, you have the rest of your life to care about him--after you stop hurting, and after it stops hurting you to care. There is nothing wrong in taking some time off, and caring about you instead. Worry about you. You are hurting, so treat yourself with as much love and concern as you would treat him.

 

For the moment, be selfish. Enjoy it. Heal. When you are fully better, you can care about him again--except...you may find that he no longer matters.

 

And someday, find someone who cares about you, too, and deserves your tremendous love. Because I don't know if you are like me, but sometimes--at least for me--caring about my ex has been just another way of hanging on. It wasn't always conscious.

Thank you.. I really am okay, pretty much over him. I think about how he treated me and then only days ago contacting me just to see if he would get a response (which would make him think he wasn't burning any bridges, i guess), and then ignore me again - makes me never want to see him again.

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