Months later she initiates contact

[hopeornot]

My girlfriend of a year left me in October claiming she was confused upset and needed some time to be single. She ended up breaking up with me after flying down for a wedding with my family and I and I found out from her former roommate that she had been cheating on me with a "friend" for a couple weeks prior to the break up.

 

At the beginning of the break up I tried to talk to her about getting back together and realized pretty quickly that that was a bad move and that I needed to go no contact to heal, as well as not damage the situation anymore. I was very distraught but stayed strong, and apart from the occasional effort on her part to talk, I never spoke to her. In fact she was incredibly unhappy when I told her I couldnt be friends and she said "Goodbye forever" and basically deleted my number.

 

Anyway, over the Christmas break I ended up having dinner with her old roommate who was home for the break and whom I had a friendship with, and she informed me of this massive change with the ex, and her incredible disgust with her behavior and how much she changed, and how her new boyfriend was really not a great choice, and how she would eventually realize this and come crawling back. I sort of half believed her but at the same time felt I would not hear from her ever again.

 

Low and behold a few weeks ago she texts me, and I ignore the first two. Then a couple days later she texts me again. I ignore those. She e-mails me and then texts me again and I continue to ignore them because she is still with that guy and frankly I am not going to talk to her while she is in a relationship. The part that really gets me though is she asked one of my friends for my number since she deleted it, and of course this all begs the question....Why would she be texting me 4 months later while she has a boyfriend? Why would she care what I was up to?

 

I'm curious to find out what peoples experiences are with this type of contact, and how it sets them back from moving on? I was fine when I accepted I wouldnt hear from her again, and now all of this...I am also curious if this could be a situation where she begins to realize what she lost. All of her friends told her that she would regret the break up, and many of them no longer speak to her after her wild and erratic behavior. I appreciate all of your advice and your time in reading this.

[DN]

If she had already broken up with this guy and wanted you back - would you take her back?

[hopeornot]

I honestly don't know. I wish I could say "no" but there just was so much there. Obviously she did so much to kill my trust and she lied, but I sort of have this desire to see her again and see what she wants.

 

She is still with this guy, and I just find it odd that she would now all of a sudden want to talk to me if she was over it or happy and moved on. I would certainly meet with her in person if she were single and suggested the idea, but I am no longer putting fourth an effort if she is with someone and after all she did.

[smile4you]

She has no one else to turn to, like you said, all her friends no longer speak to her. And why would you either? Everyone says she changed in a bad way. Shes no longer the person everyone, including you, fell in love with. Don't change your mind. You said you cant be a friend to her so don't pick up. She needs to depend on herself to get out of her situation and find happiness within herself. If she can't do that then what does that say about her? But your final decision should be base on what well do you good? Ignoring her (which i think is the answer) or talking to her again.

[tg31]

My man...listen to me even though you don't know me...DO NOT CONTACT HER! Whether you want to get back with her or not DO NOT CONTACT HER! Figure out what you want over the next few weeks and if you would give her another shot then you can contact her. But by all means DO NOT CONTACT HER until atleast March. Trust me

[DN]

If you are not sure that you would take her back stay in no contact.

[smile4you]

I honestly don't know. I wish I could say "no" but there just was so much there. Obviously she did so much to kill my trust and she lied, but I sort of have this desire to see her again and see what she wants.

 

She is still with this guy, and I just find it odd that she would now all of a sudden want to talk to me if she was over it or happy and moved on. I would certainly meet with her in person if she were single and suggested the idea, but I am no longer putting fourth an effort if she is with someone and after all she did.

 

You can only talk to her if you have moved on and is happy, regardless if she is single or not. But you want to talk to her if she is single so that you two can reunite. What if she is single but doesn't want you back? Thats another heartbreak for you. What if she does and you do take her back, well then shes got to earn your trust back because no trust = failure.

[learning2relax]

shes got to earn your trust back because no trust = failure.

 

Agreed. Trust is foundational.

[hopeornot]

First of all thank you everyone for your quick responses. I appreciate the advice and let me first clarify a couple things. I do feel that I am moving on. I have been dating other people, and have fully prepared and lived a life in which none of my choices involve her or this false hope to get her back.

 

At the same time though I do feel as though people can move on and move forward but still harbor feelings and wonder about the previous person. I have to admit that I have felt a lot of pain come from her behavior, and it was very hard not to talk to her, and I continue to be proud of my effort at not initiating or even replying to any form of communication with her.

 

I do have to say though that I dont believe that a sudden burst of contact would have come from her if she was moved on and happy, as she never had time to even deal or process our break up cause the other guy was there. I guess the part that I struggle with is whether or not she will make what she wants more clear to me, because many people who know her have always believed she would snap out of this crazy phase and come crawling back.

 

Again thank you everyone for your advice and input and not tearing me apart for my inability to just say "never again" to the idea of getting back together or entertaining the idea.

[vertigoxo]

Sounds like she's having trouble with the new guy, and wants to make sure that her safety net (you) is there for her when she does fall.

 

Don't break NC!

[none2good]

Hopeornot, I'm curious. Are you gainfully employed? If you are, perhaps your rival isn't or is about to lose his job and your fine ex girlfriend is playing you both. Should you decide to contact her she may feel that you would be easy pickings to put a roof over her head and yet leave her free to cheat on you as she did before.

The only way I might contact her would be to tell her that you are glad things worked out so well for her.

[JackAfrica]

Sounds like she's having trouble with the new guy, and wants to make sure that her safety net (you) is there for her when she does fall.

 

Don't break NC!

 

Yes, there is a good chance that things are just not working out to her liking and she wants the option to "branch swing" back to you if things go bad with her guy. You can bet that her guy does not know that she is trying to contact you either.

 

AS a general comment to the guys reading this thread.. NEVER take a woman back who lied to you and/ or cheated on you. It shows a defect in her character, it shows gross selfishness on her part and it shows her total lack of committment and loyalty.

 

If you are thinking of re-uniting with a cheater and think that it is all just a a "trust" issue , be aware. It is really a character issue.

[hopeornot]

We are actually both in college, so employment has nothing to do with it. It was a bit of a long distance relationship with her living an hour away but we saw each other often (at least once a week) and many have felt that it was a case of her choosing him because of proximity. Many have commented that I was much better to her, and many of her friends were jealous that she was dating me. Her entire family even adored me and were very upset when they found out we were no longer dating.

[smile4you]

@jackafrica

that also applies to men. I took back a cheater and yes it does show what type of character they are: someone who keeps taking u for granted until they lose you for good

 

@hopeornot

if you want to know what she wants then just ask her and answer if u can help her or not. Keep it short. Last time I talk to my one of my ex was when he thought a block text cussing him out was me. Made me anger to know he thought it was me. I asked what he wanted, he wanted to know how I was doing but wanted to drag the conversation but I cut it short and said I didn't want to talk to you. He got the point finally. if you NEED to talk then go for it else a useless conersation, friendly or not, isn't worth it

[Lastchallenge]

This is what I'm hoping for but if it did happen I don't know if I would want her back!

Damn this rollercoaster!

[fLuiD]

Tell your mutual friend (roommate) to tell her that you say you want her to stop contacting you. Tell her that you have changed your number, and make sure you change it. Of course dont tell the ex your new number.

[minou]

Give the rollercoaster some time to calm down. If love is strong, it is possible to forgive, depending on the other person's attitude towards their mistake. People make mistakes. The strongest relationships are those where they have learned to forgive mistakes along the way. In your case, it does sound like it has not been so hard to move on, however. If you feel that contact with her will hinder your process, let it go.

[hopeornot]

Fluid- With respect to the roommate, the two are no longer friends and no longer live with each other after all of the drama that happened after the break up. I actually had not spoken to the roomate until three months later around the holidays because I wanted to respect the break up and not force anyone to pick sides. The roommates choice to end the friendship and move out from my ex's place was based on their own friendship and nothing to do with me actually playing sides. Needless to say, since they are not talking, there is no reason why the two of them would discuss the ceasing of communication with me.

 

In terms of moving on and healing, No Contact really did help me get over the initial shock and really has put me in a position where I can say that I left the relationship with my pride intact as well as being a better person and a gentleman. Even though she was cheating and has never admitted to this, I did nothing to alienate her or hurt her (which I could have very easily done) and I just ceased communication.

 

My current predicament however is that while I am in a place where I have removed most of the anger and intense irrational feelings that occur right after a break up, I am still somewhat unsure of her motives. I really do not want to ask her, especially since she has a boyfriend and she even said shortly before the break up that "out of everyone in her life you would never leave me". I personally think that with her blatant and continuous texts and effort to communicate out of nowhere that things just are not going that well. I am not inclined to answer her either at this time because I dont want to be a backup or give her any sense that she has around on the side, so if things do fail she can call me up. If there were to be any scenario in which I considered starting or trying to rekindle what I thought was an amazing relationship (minus the cheating and final wild phase at the end) then she would need to be single and we would both need to be very clear and on an equal playing field.