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Why are they so cold ?


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I don't understand, I was a dumper twice and I thaught I should at least know why my ex is so cold towards me. But really.. I don't.

 

I dumped my previous exes and never spoke with them again. The first was not mature enough and the second one was abusive. I just walked away and there's no turning back because I realised I never loved them anyway. I'm not capable of love.

 

When I met my recent ex, he was head over heels, was so sensitive about my feelings. All this while, he never once was selfish. He's very humble and that was attracted me.

 

Now ? He's so cold,bitter and self centered. He used harsh words to hurt me. Although he aplogised a million times but I feel that he wasn't even sincere. I don't know if he's true of himself or he's faking it like he used to.

 

BAD DAY!

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Sometimes it is a way of protecting oneself from harm. To be kind and warm invites someone else to potentially slap you round the face with their own hurt feelings. To be harsh and cold pushes you away and stops you going to them for comfort or feeling you can discuss your pain with them.

 

That or he's just not a very nice person and is good at hiding it in the initial stages.

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I have no idea what love it. Loving someone is to accept their defaults for who they are and capable of communicating freely. When I'm in a relationship I like the chased, for instance my recent ex, I hardly call him or text him ( he did most of the calling and texting) even he's away for a few days, I waited him to contact me first although I do care about him and want to know what's he up to. He voiced out that I dont love him or care for him, I brushed him off, telling him it's just the way I am. Sometimes he'll go days without calling, its like forcing me to at least call him back.

 

I acted like I don't care , for whatever reasons ? I don't know. I'm not capable to show/ tell them what I felt or why I behave that way. I see this pattern repeating over and over again, like my previous relationship before my recent ex.

 

Is there something wrong ? I know I had trust issues like he doesnt love me enough etc.

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The coldness that you feel by one who dumps, as I have come to learn, is typically a defense mechanism. It may also be his way of giving you perspective of how he feels when you are they way you are towards him.....

 

that's a good point...although, i wonder if it's really conscious on his behalf if he's indeed doing that.

 

celestial, i find it interesting that you've recognized this pattern in yourself. does it hurt? i mean, have you reached that point where you're really starting to feel something from it? i think that's what it comes to for many of us. i can remember being horribly unreceptive to love. really just didn't know how to let it in. i'm sure it was there...albeit obscured by so many layers of what i tend to think of as armour. it might be worth investigating that. it was for me. in the process, i found that so many of my questions about my relationships, and the people i was involved with really started to become apparent. it wasn't so mysterious anymore. was really the start on a new sort of path. it's not a defined path...it's really pretty intangible...but there's an openness there.

 

i remember how much it hurt ME to be so resistant. it was never intentional...just something i'd never learned, or been nurtured to accept from others. it's a lonely feeling...almost like isolation. you're there...and people are around you, but there's no connectin. you feel this kind of separateness to everyone and everything. it's fine sometimes...but i think the weight of it all eventually becomes too much. it's exhausting...to always be on guard (because i think that's what it is). there's a constant struggle to remain impenetrable, even though somewhere deep within you, you know that the one thing you need is to open up to it. if you can't receive, you can never offer yourself with any kind of completeness. i think it's inevitable that one continues to push the people closest away...until the pain of that becomes unbearable, and we're finally able to open up to it.

 

it really comes down to these habitual tendencies we've formed...automatic, conditioned responses to all kinds of situations. perhaps at some point we were hurt by something, and from that point on we've made it our mission not to be hurt by something similar. everything we do, every reaction, is an attempt to avoid that which we perceive as potentially hurtful. it's a pattern.

sometimes a very strong one...but very much possible to recognize and begin to work towards establishing new patterns. i think this is what many of us refer to as healing. opening up to those things which have wounded us deeply. relationships seem to offer the opportunity to face these things. the people closest to us can bring these things out...allow us to experience them once again...but this time, free from judgement...free from pain. it opens all kinds of doors. i think it's what a satisyfing relationship is based on.

 

seems like you've recognized some of this...and you're trying to piece together what it means for you? love seems to be an ability. maybe we're born knowing...but through various experiences it's something we begin to forget. it just doesn't make sense for us to let it in. it hurts. so we run...and we run...but then something comes along that makes us question how we've been dealing.

 

dunno if that makes sense...

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Think this line of thinking is a form of blaming yourself and stems from being deeply hurt. I agree with you guys if the pattern is there, one may want to make some changes but in no way it means there is anything wrong with you. This is a fascinating discussion as I thought along the same lines for months however you are who you are an you need to make piece with that. Listen if your former partner chose to leave you it does not mean there is anything wrong with you, perhaps you need to choose a more compatible partner next time. Cheers guys, I am with you trying to figure this out.

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Think this line of thinking is a form of blaming yourself and stems from being deeply hurt. I agree with you guys if the pattern is there, one may want to make some changes but in no way it means there is anything wrong with you. This is a fascinating discussion as I thought along the same lines for months however you are who you are an you need to make piece with that. Listen if your former partner chose to leave you it does not mean there is anything wrong with you, perhaps you need to choose a more compatible partner next time. Cheers guys, I am with you trying to figure this out.

 

so true. nicely said.

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Most of my relationship ends because after a few months, there's a void inside me telling me that my ex doesn't love me anymore.Even it's not true but I made myself believing it.

 

My recent ex never gave me the benefit of doubt about his feelings towards me, was always supportive and reassured that he's doing all the best he could to show me his love. He was inded the best ex I ever had. Seriously I don't think we're not compatible it's just me handling the relationship the wrong way. Mind you, there's other problems regarding our relationship but to be honest, I was mostly the one provoking arguments and behave childishly towards him. Like playing games to test his love for me. It's just that I don't trust him that he acctualy have feelings or care for me. My ex told me that I'm not ready to be in a relationship yet but he doesn;t want to give up on me.

 

I guess the underlying problem is I came from an abusive childhood. I told myself over and over for many years I don't deserve to be love or that my existence means nothing.For so many nights enduring the pain alone. Everyday was a hell for me.

 

I do these things because end of the day I know my then ex deserve to be someone else. I feel that I could have the inability to love him like he does. There's when I started to pull away. Everytime my ex cried, I was reassured again that he did love me. It gave me the satisfaction that I meant a lot to him although I didn't have any intentions to hurt my ex.

 

Engaging behavious like drove my ex away. I really want to break this pattern. For years I never love myself, the sight of my parents made me sick. I still hold lots of resentment towards my dad.

 

I'm seeing a therapist and there's underlying anger issues inside me where I cannot accept anyone inside my life. Perhaps maybe, I don't have the ability to love yet. After so many failed relationships, I think it's better to be alone than to hurt the next 'the one'.

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The coldness that you feel by one who dumps, as I have come to learn, is typically a defense mechanism. It may also be his way of giving you perspective of how he feels when you are they way you are towards him.....

 

 

Never thaught of that. It makes more sense now because everytime he's mad he'll shut himself off, not talking, went out or sit in his car. But it has been months now. He doesn't hold grudges for a long time...

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