Jump to content

Need help with my porn habit.


loudspeaker

Recommended Posts

Ok, let me explain. My girlfriend of 3 years and I have a absolutely brilliant and exciting relationship. We are both scientists, she works as a researcher in biomedical science, and I a physics teacher in training. We have a very equal relationship, both half rent exactly, even though (for some reason, maybe it's this unfair world we all live in) she earns slightly less than me. It was her that wanted it this way and we have rarely fought, and we have a very, very awesome sex life.

 

Now my problem is infact NOT that I am addicted, or that I watch too much, OR that she has confronted me with a problem. My problem is that about a year and a half into our relationship, I started to change - not realising it - my own personal use of pornography.

 

I once had the ability to appreciate in depth and creative stories, and I preferred to leave a little to the imagination! She was the same, in fact this way of using erotica/pornography was exciting for us both and we'd fantasize about certain roles together and our love making sessions would last... oh my god, almost all weekend. We had intense and amazing sex, and our lives were absolutely fantastic. We trusted eachother and did well at our jobs, this kind of sex life had an obvious positive effect on both our health and mental health. Also, using a certain kind erotica/pornography, where I fill in the spaces with whatever I want, by appreciating the act of sex and letting my brain do the details of the women/men - was also exciting for use alone, when my girlfriend was absent.

 

Those times are gone, and I have just recently started realising that I was drifting from that and being less interested in that kind of porn, and using standard hardcore pornography more and more. I noticed this but was too busy in my life to think about it. It was finalized the other day, when my amazing girlfriend said she is less happy. We sat and spoke and at first she didn't really know why she was unhappy. I was unhappy too - for some mysterious reason. We spoke about it. She almost cried because I could see it in her face. We spoke about various aspects of our lives, the house, finance, work, friends, family... all seemed ok and then when we got on to our sex life, I could just see the energy drain out of her and it was clear to us both something was wrong.

 

We no longer do the same things together, why?

 

We got talking about when we used to have fun with erotica and sex games and we both came to an agreement that something has changed in that department. She hinted that I seem to be using porn more and excluding her much more. I thought about it this morning, and I was using - totally without realising it - very, very tasteless porn. I mean, fake, tanned, bimbos. Anime and just... the worst and the most mindless of porn that probably exists in the porn industry.

 

I know, I know that this kind of porn IS ok for you, it works for some people, but in my case, it has totally drained our relationship. It has absolutely caused a barrier between me and my most loved one.

 

She says that she can't enjoy that kind of porn, it makes her feel self conscious and it really is made for a man, because the stuff that goes isn't sexy and doesnt turn her on.

 

I want to re discover my old ways again. I want to stop being mindless and doing it the easy way. I loved those old times and my life was absolutely brilliant. Now our relationship is: we come back from work, eat, clean, cuddle on the couch and either a) have straightforward sex with no extras or b) I lock the bathroom door and use pornography, then we sleep, not touching.

 

Another issue is that I am using this pornography more and more, and she initiates sex less and less, because she says it "actually puts her off the idea, incase I am still thinking about the porn" and that it makes her self conscious.

 

I want my old relationship back, I want to train myself back into being creative and having that brilliant mutual relationship with my woman, with no closed doors and no one feeling excluded or rejected.

 

I think if this carries on, we will break up. And I don't think I will find anyone like her again, and I really, really mean that

 

I would appreciate you're advice and feedback.

 

NOTE: Please do not turn this into a debate on whether porn is good or bad or cheating. Me and my girlfriend know clearly eachothers boundaries and this is all that should matter in this thread.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When you say you're not addicted ... I know that what I'm about to say is open to debate, but to my thinking - if you realise that you are doing something which is damaging you in some way, but carry on anyway - that's addiction.

 

If you find that you can't solve this one by just stopping, not using the stuff and spending the time with her, then you might want to seek out one of the 12-step programs which address just this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When you say you're not addicted ... I know that what I'm about to say is open to debate, but to my thinking - if you realise that you are doing something which is damaging you in some way, but carry on anyway - that's addiction.

 

If you find that you can't solve this one by just stopping, not using the stuff and spending the time with her, then you might want to seek out one of the 12-step programs which address just this.

 

I agree. You both should try to layoff the porn. Insteading of watching porn by yourself spend time with your girlfriend or if she is not around find a new hobby.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When you say you're not addicted ... I know that what I'm about to say is open to debate, but to my thinking - if you realise that you are doing something which is damaging you in some way, but carry on anyway - that's addiction.

 

If you find that you can't solve this one by just stopping, not using the stuff and spending the time with her, then you might want to seek out one of the 12-step programs which address just this.

 

Thanks, I absolutely agree. I have only just the other day realised what this was doing to the relationship. I have not looked at porn since/yet. This does have the potential to become exactly what you say.

 

I am still pretty clueless as to how I am even going to start fixing this problem I think I really need something to focus on, or someone to put this into perspective. I know that it pretty stupid, but this is a totally new and confusing situation for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My personal opinion is that you are truly fortunate to have the level of self insight (and willingness to be honest with yourself) that is necessary to have this sort of realization about how your own actions are harming a relationship that matters to you.

 

Thousands and thousands of couples are going through this exact same problem but are not able or willing to be honest the way that you are. So they remain stuck at the level of denial while their relationship slowly spirals out of control and eventually is destroyed.

 

I don't have any specific advice for you from what to do next...... I would say, talk to your girlfriend and figure out between the two of you what type of relationship you want with each other and what it will take to make that a reality.

 

If you like to read, a book you might enjoy is Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch - I can't do it justice with a short description - but you can read about it on amazon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...