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fight with parents/ said I'm not coming back


BigCityGirl

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Okay, so basically I'm angry with my parents, and theres so many factors involved, and I'm not really sure how to process it all.

 

I'm 21 and have moved away on my own, supporting myself and going to school. I don't return to my parents home very often because its difficult to just get home/ I'm busy/ it endsup being quite expensive to take the bus (ie. 45$ there and back taking the bus). I live in a big city, without a car. But I am from a small town, and even when I take a bus I can't get home without a family member driving a half an hour to get me from the station (which is difficult to arrange). So I return once in a while. My parents have visited me once. I get excited to go home. But I returned this time, and just nothing seemed right. My parents had all these people over every night, and I couldn't sleep, because they were so loud. Compounded by this was the fact that they all smoke and my parents changes the rules to "OF COURSE the five of us can change smoke in the house" I dont smoke. And because of all the smoke I felt ill all weekend. Not only this but with all the people, I couldnt get any of my school work done (which I had a ton of) because i just couldnt concentrate because it was so loud.

 

Anyways, I ended up getting really mad. I told my mom that I didn't want to sleep there, and that I wanted her to tell everyone to stop smoking and what not. Oh and they were all drunk, and I was all of there DDs, giving them rides when they'd finally had enough. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather drive them, then them drive themself. But...I just found it all to be inconsiderate. And when they found out I was * * * * * ing about the smoke, they all just kind of mocked me, and couldnt understand what the big deal was. I tried my best to find a ride to the bus stop so I could just head home that night, but it wasnt possible. I ended up going down there, and then I kinda blew up at them, grabbed all my sheets and moved to the upstairs couch (because I couldnt stand sleeping in the smoke infested basement) and while on my way up I said "You won't be seeing me back for a while..". I slept on the couch, basically cried for a few hours before going to bed.

 

In the morning they were all trying to be nice but I was still angry. I would only aswer them if necessary and just breif yes/ no, "I'm ready to go". I left as early as I could in the morning. and the drive to the bus station was silence.

 

Another issue about the smoking is that, my grandmother died in the summer of lung cancer. I seen how awful it really is to go that way. So, this compounds why I reacted so badly....but I would never admit that to them.

 

I'm from a very cold, no feeligns, no care, no love family if you know what I mean. I know my parents love me, but they don't show it very well. this is partly do to comfort level. Feeligns and lvoe is a bit taboo in my household. As is hugs and crying.

 

I'm sure I've left them a bit on edge, and you know. And I feel bad for making such a big deal, but on the other side, I'm still angry, and I'd do it again...This being said, I don't want a "sorry". and I still don't this I'd go back for a visit any time soon (I did plan on going back home for the whole reading week, but I won' be).

 

Where should I go from here? I'd like an outsiders perspective. Tell me how it is. I really feel messed up and its on my mind.

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Like Miss Kitty says, at least you don't have to live with them. This was a visit and it's a shame it went badly, but to put into perspective, you are not living with these conditions, you just had to put up with them for a few days. It's a shame you felt it was so bad that it ruined your entire visit - it sounds like no one else there really understood why you were so upset.

 

You know it might make people more sympathetic to your view on smoking if you told them you had a relative pass away because of it. I understand it's private information, but if smoking upsets you as much as it does then it can help to give a reason.

 

I'm not sure from your post - were they hanging out in the same room you were supposed to be sleeping in? If so, I can see how irritating that is. If not, perhaps that's why they didn't see a problem, since you had your own space.

 

If this is a one off, I would pass it over as a bad visit and not hold it against them. It sounds like you made it very clear you were not happy so they are probably aware and feeling bad about it themselves. If your visits are not always this way then I would just let it go and see what happens the next time. If it reoccurs, then you have a problem.

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Smoking sucks. It is one of the worst habits ever. I quit almost twenty years ago. It is not that hard. I smoked over two packs a day and when my young son asked me to quit, that was the end of my smoking. Your parents are very inconsiderate. Stay away.

I agree. There is nothing more disgusting. And very inconsiderate of them to subject their kid to it.

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Probably would be okay to pull one of your parents aside before their guests arrive to confide that the smoke has been hurting you, would there be a way to manage the intensity of it tonight? Maybe open windows, invite smokers to step on the porch, attempt to limit the number of lightups at once. This would be reasonable.

 

Throwing a temper tantrum on a room full of drinkers while they're at it full throttle might be argued as 'right' or 'wrong,' but as you can see, it's just not productive. While smoking is the ugliest of uglies, it's not something that can be effectively policed via finger-wag without a backlash. Whether this 'should' or 'should not' be the case is academic and doesn't get you anywhere with a tough crowd.

 

My heart goes out to you for feeling hurt about this, and I hope you'll chalk this up to a bad day.

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Now just wait a minute....

 

Whose house is this? Who pays the mortgage? Who is the guest?

 

Whatever the OP thinks of smoking, however unfortunate it is that she lost her grandmother to lung cancer, it is her parents house. They have every right to set the rules in their home, including, but not limited to, whether or not it is a smoking house.

 

I'm sorry for the unpleasant visit, but am I the only one here who thinks it's a bit much for the OP to think that she has the right to set the rules in someone elses house?

 

She doesn't even live there any more, and even if she did, she isn't paying for it.

 

OP- I am sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, but the simple fact is, your parents have every right to decide what goes on in their home and who is welcome. The only choice you have, is whether or not you choose to visit, given the atmosphere of the house.

 

Go ahead everyone, tell me how disgusting smoking is...that isn't the issue.

The issue is whose house it is and who gets to determine the rules.

 

I vote for the people paying the mortgage.....

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Its clear my tantrum didn't really solve anything. And I did pull one of my parents aside, but nothing was done. I lost my temper because I'd done what I could do, and would still have to face sleeping a smoky room, because I had no where else to go that night. I can't change the fact that I lost my temper. Its too late.

 

What remains is the issue that I don't want to visit in a home filled with smoke, and that my parents are too busy to make the drive to visit me. There rarely (maybe once a month) will contact me by text, and occasionally a phone call. I want a relationship with them. Its incredibly important to me. And again, the reason why I'm so upset about it is that my grandmother died in the summer with lung cancer, after we provided her with home care (when I was still living at home) She suffered. And the one thing she wanted is for them to quit. They tried to quit several times since. Up to recently they always smoked outside, and now this. I'm afraid of them dying that way. and not only this but I don't want to passively just live with it. Because it only sends the message that I accept the disgusting habit.

 

I found the man who put it down to who pays the mortgage offensive. I don't really understand how he could put priority on money instead of family.

 

I don't know, but I was more looking at thoughts on how to deal with the situation now that it's occurred.

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CityGirl,

 

You can't ever make them quit smoking. My mom smoke nearly 3 packs a day - she will never quit. I think it's terrible that they only contact you once a month and they never visit. I do not feel you should over-extend yourself given their apparent self-involvement. I've no doubt they love you, but they could make more of an effort to see you.

 

As for future visits, your only solution is to get a hotel or motel nearby.

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Of coarse it's their house, their rules, but that doesn't change the fact that it was very inconsiderate for them to go on the way they did for your visit. But you know, they might not of even realized just how inconsiderate it was. Some people, I believe, are missing that gene. While others are always aware and care how their actions are affecting others, some people don't even give it a thought.

 

Do you encourage more visits from them? Or do you just wait till they take initiate? I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to go there for a while.

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I have a parent like this. (It is worse because he smokes cigars). Since I was young I was intimidated into vocalising that I was NOT bothered by this. My mother would insist he not smoke in the car while we were traveling (for hours) he would insist it is ok because he has the windows rolled down (and we are freezing, and of course no smoke goes out of the window). They start to fight, and he asks me in a rather intimidating yet disgustingly polite way if I am bothered by the smoke (and I am expected to say no, so I do).

 

Fast forward to when I am in my twenties. He comes to visit me and help me 'pack' in where I am just newly settling in (a different country). Instead he hurries my process of looking for a place and doesn't let me settle and unpack my things, instead he wants to visit and hang out with his friends and wants me to tag along (if I don't he gets mad and annoyed). And we rent a car and of course he starts smoking his cigar. Having been very well trained since I was young to not say a word, by now I can't bring my self to speak up. I start crying not only because I am angry and frustrated but because the smoke is hurting my throat. He gets angry I am crying and fights with me!!! Saying things along the line of if I break a vase (a relationship) sometimes it can't be fixed! Then he goes on to say in not exactly these words (but along the lines of): because he made the money while he was raising me(!) and because he paid for my education he is ALLOWED to smoke and that how dare I make this an issue.... Can you see how selfish he was? I can only now see this and other things that were SO SO wrong and unfair and selfish on his side.

 

So the other poster who brought this up and offended you actually has a point. Because people DO think like this. Clearly my father did. You might not, but they might.

 

Since then because of many other anger issues and control issues he had, other selfish acts of his, I have stopped having a relationship with him. It was hurting me more than it was helping me. I am more peaceful since then. (I realize this may not be the solution for you).

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I appreciate you sharing your experience with me, and I think I've shared very similar experiences as you. Smoking in cars, and the cigars. Its the same way with me that I could never actually tell them I didn't like it. And like you, the smoke really affects me badly physically. Headaches, and my throat was all scratchy, and my eyes we watering like I get when I have allergies. Just overall uncomfortable, and its not something they understand because they are used to the smoke.

 

I'm glad that you found a solution for your situation. I'm not so sure I'm ready to stop seeing my parents all together though. As to whether I've initiated them coming to see me, I have and haven't. They really just expect me to come home (to their home) as do they expect me to come home on reading breaks, and summer breaks. I have in a way asked, they were talking about seeing an exhibit in my city, had planned said they would go, and come see me then. But monthes have gone by, I've reminded them. And they just haven't gotten around to it. It hurts me that I don't hear from them much. I have friends, but, at the same time, I feel very much alone here.

 

I understand the guy has a point about the mortgage, but at the same time, I want a family.

 

Someone else mentioned I'd stay in a motel, this would work, except for I'm a fulltime student paying for everything myself. It's difficult to afford even the bus pass to get there.

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Well, not that it makes any difference, but I am a woman.

 

You are an adult. If you were a child living in the home without any other choice, then my response would be different. But you aren't. You are a grown woman.

 

When your parents come to your place, they have no right to expect to smoke in your home. It's your home, your rules. But no matter how much your point of view is sympathetic (your grandmother), reasonable (we all know smoking is unhealthy) and unfortunate...it is still their house- as defined by who is (financially) responsible for it.

 

It's a hard thing to learn when you come into adulthood, with your idealized vision of how life should be, that your parents are independent people who will make choices that upset, hurt and offend you. They have raised you, however flawed their choices may have been in some regards, they did their job. They technically don't owe you anything at this point. You can ask for consideration, but you have no right to demand it, and you may not get what you want.

 

Not to mention the fact that having a 'temper tantrum' and effectively telling your parents that you don't respect their lifestyle choices is not an effective way to persuade them around to your point of view. Ways to deal? Perhaps apologize to your parents and then calmly explian WHY it upset you so much. Tell them you'd like to come visit when they don't have plans with other people, so that you can spend some quality time with them...The smoking? Accept that your parents will make choices you don't like.

 

Some day you may make some decisions they don't like or can't respect...is this how you would expect them to react? Would you find it acceptable? What if they think you make a bad career choice, what if they don't like the person you choose to marry, what you name your kids, or where you choose to live.....Should they yell and scream and refuse to visit?

 

You can spend your adult years building a positive relationship with your parents, or you can waste it being angry because they don't live their lives they way YOU think they should.

 

Would courtesy be nice? Of course. But you don't have a right to expect they change their lifestyle to suit you because you come home for the weekend

 

Your choice comes down to- accept it, or sleep somewhere else.

 

No one ever thinks that they should be inconvenienced in any way, as if we all have some God-given right for everything to go our way...It simply isn't so.

 

I'm sorry you find my thoughts on the matter offensive. I imagine your parents find it pretty offensive that you think you should decide the rules of the house.

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I guess no relationship it is then. the relationship is based on me going to there. and i know their not going to make any attempts to resolve the issue/ come see me, and people have made it clear, and i'm well aware of the fact that i can't make them stop.

 

So basically, I will no longer visit them. I didn't say I wouldn't see them anymore. I said I wouldn't be visiting them at their home anymore. Its clear that this will be the way it will have to stay. I don't regret what I've said, nor will I apologize for it, because I still strongly feel like I do not want to return. I've actually quite devastated by this, as I feel like I've lost my family. I guess its my choice to lose them though.

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If you feel that when you visit, you basically can't even 'live' there in that short amount of time (2 days) you shouldn't go. If your relationship with them is important to you (and it seems like it is, calmy (perhaps through e-mail) explain exactly why you made the decision you made, and how you feel sorry about the situation but given the circumstances there is nothing else you could have done.

 

In my situation the problems were multiple and the other party (my father) was more angry and bitter than apologetic and understanding. He has spent his whole life manipulating and intimidating me therefore I don't necessarily see reason to (or know a method to) try and talk and resolve anything. But it seems to be different in your case.

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Someone else mentioned I'd stay in a motel, this would work, except for I'm a fulltime student paying for everything myself. It's difficult to afford even the bus pass to get there.

If they won't help you with the cost of a bus pass and motel room, I wouldn't bother visiting them. I think they sound very self-absorbed. I know you want a family, but they need to start treating you better.

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Cancer doesn't care who pays the mortgage. Smoking should be against the law.

 

1) Not the point of the thread

 

2) It isn't, so expecting people to behave as though it is is unrealistic

 

3) While we're at it, lets ban alcohol, sugar, fat, soda-pop, growth hormones in our food, gasoline and every chemical used to make our lives easier. Because everthing gives you cancer.

 

Just because the OP chooses a healthier lifestyle than her parent choose, it does NOT give her the right to tell them how to live in their own home. I am not defending smoking, I am defending their right to decide for themselves what's acceptable in their home.

 

How many times do we hear "My house, my rules"?

 

You don't like the rules, then don't go there.

 

simple

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1) Not the point of the thread

 

2) It isn't, so expecting people to behave as though it is is unrealistic

 

3) While we're at it, lets ban alcohol, sugar, fat, soda-pop, growth hormones in our food, gasoline and every chemical used to make our lives easier. Because everthing gives you cancer.

 

Just because the OP chooses a healthier lifestyle than her parent choose, it does NOT give her the right to tell them how to live in their own home. I am not defending smoking, I am defending their right to decide for themselves what's acceptable in their home.

 

How many times do we hear "My house, my rules"?

 

You don't like the rules, then don't go there.

 

simple

So if your child were traveling a long distance to come see you, that would be your attitude? "don't like the rules, don't come here?" I would smoke outside so they would be comfortable during their visit.

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I don't even think smoking is the big issue here. I would be more hurt and angry that they never come to see you or offer to pay part of your bus pass. I think you should work on trying to distance yourself emotionally from them as best you can. They are not healthy for you, IMO. Work on cultivating new friendships and relationships with people who treat you better...

Sadly, we cannot all be close to our families.

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1) Not the point of the thread

 

2) It isn't, so expecting people to behave as though it is is unrealistic

 

3) While we're at it, lets ban alcohol, sugar, fat, soda-pop, growth hormones in our food, gasoline and every chemical used to make our lives easier. Because everthing gives you cancer.

 

Just because the OP chooses a healthier lifestyle than her parent choose, it does NOT give her the right to tell them how to live in their own home. I am not defending smoking, I am defending their right to decide for themselves what's acceptable in their home.

 

How many times do we hear "My house, my rules"?

 

You don't like the rules, then don't go there.

 

simple

 

 

I think it's really good that we get this point of veiw. This is probably excactly what her parents are thinking. It makes sense.

 

I just think it's really sad that they are unwilling to bend a little for their daughters visit. While they have every right to make the rules, how about a little motherly TLC??? It's very unkind to not care about her comfort level.

 

What she's missing is the warmth that's suppose to come from your family. If my sister (who I don't see often) came to stay with me, I would do all I could to make her feel at home. Home is where the heart is, right? Not where the person who pays the morgage does what ever the hell they want with no regards to other family members.

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1) Not the point of the thread

 

2) It isn't, so expecting people to behave as though it is is unrealistic

 

3) While we're at it, lets ban alcohol, sugar, fat, soda-pop, growth hormones in our food, gasoline and every chemical used to make our lives easier. Because everthing gives you cancer.

 

Just because the OP chooses a healthier lifestyle than her parent choose, it does NOT give her the right to tell them how to live in their own home. I am not defending smoking, I am defending their right to decide for themselves what's acceptable in their home.

 

How many times do we hear "My house, my rules"?

 

You don't like the rules, then don't go there.

 

simple

 

If we hear anything infinitely many times, does that necessarily mean it is true?

 

The OP was not telling the parents how to live in their house. She was asking them to respect her living space as an invited and expected guest in their house. More literally she was asking them to respect her living-breathing-space while she was there announced, expected, probably wanted.

 

Our 'rights' end where other peoples rights begin. I was taught this in primary school. It makes a lot of sense, don't you think? This is how society works. The law is usually the last one to be flexible to how society sets it's rules and the rights of individuals. Slowly he law is realizing that when one is smoking because it is their 'right' this violates other peoples rights that are higher in priority (the right to fresh air!). It is sad that something the law has already caught on to, her parents fail to recognize and respect. Either they are oblivious or just plain selfish.

 

Sure they should be able to set their own rules in their own house. But when they invite a guest in their house they allow that person some space to live, some air to breathe, this is by default. But when they smoke, even when she explains to them the effects on her throat and eyes then this behavior could even be described as inhuman and hostile. But sure, their house their rules, right....

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