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What is really going on here?


ANewMe

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I'm just looking for a few words of wisdom, maybe some sound advice here. Kinda having a sad day with my ever-confusing thoughts...

 

Here's the short version: exboyfriend had GIGS, left our 1 year "good thing" suddenly about 6 weeks ago, then discovered the grass was psycho. Since then, he's gotten unusually chummy with my friends who before he said he didn't like, has shown up twice at places he knows I'm at, texted me over something insignificant, and because I work with a band and he's in the biz, I had to call him once (yesterday) and email one time. He immediately returned the email and yesterday, when we talked he veered off the subject and just kept me on the phone over silly things. It was like he wanted to talk to me. All along, except for the one-time email/call, I've been NC, doing fairly well and trying to move on. And when we did communicate, I kept it brief and cordial.

 

Of course I miss and still love him. I'm starting to think of him more and more. He's the type who would rather poke himself in the eye with a stick than have a talk about our relationship. So he's never going to just contact me and come right out with "let's talk."

 

I'm confused and trying to figure things out. Sometimes I think he wants me back. Sometimes I think he's just trying to be friends. Sometimes, like today, I don't know what to think. And what's he thinking?

 

Any insight would be welcome. Especially if you're going through the same thing. I feel for ya

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[...] He's the type who would rather poke himself in the eye with a stick than have a talk about our relationship. So he's never going to just contact me and come right out with "let's talk." [...]

 

I can appreciate that he must have other charming qualities, but look at your statement above. Don't you deserve a really great connection with someone who CAN communicate like that with you, and who won't keep you looking over your shoulder wondering when the next GIGS ditch will happen?

 

If his behavior flatters you and helps you grow stronger, then I'd continue using it for that. Meanwhile, question what, exactly, this guy could ever do or say to make things right--and the likelihood of that. Would he ever openly explain to you what happened, WHY it happened, and would he be able to offer both you and himself a compelling reason to believe that it would never happen again?

 

If he doesn't have it in him to 'talk' on the level, how much confidence could you ever afford to invest in him beyond some flirty phone words and some satisfaction that he might holds some regrets from afar?

 

Aim higher.

 

In your corner.

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Thank you. I agree with a lot of what you said - especially about him being incapable of opening up and really talking to me over the break-up My ex is a gregarious, very social guy and can talk about anything to anyone. The only time he ever clammed up is when he talked about how he felt for me. He could barely get any words out. I had to be very patient, calm and reassure him that I loved him a lot to get to open up even in the slightest. Despite all this, we really did have an intense connection and were able to communicate and work through whatever issue arose.

 

However, and having said all that, this was before he dumped me. Now, I'm sure he has no clue how I'll react, but it's for sure I won't be as loving as before and he knows that. He knows he screwed up bigtime and has got a lot of explaining/apologizing to do and he's just not emotionally capable of exposing his true feelings like that. I broke up with him briefly 7 months into our thing and he was a stone. Just shut down completely. He did the same thing of repeatedly showing up where I was at and eventually, after 2 weeks, we began to talk - but not about the relationship - and reconciled. That talk came a week or so afterwards. This is not as dysfunctional as it sounds but rather me being patient and waiting for him to be get the courage to utter a few words how he felt about me. Believe it or not, this worked for us and I know he appreciated me for being that way with him.

 

Man, the hardest part is getting past wondering what the ex is thinking

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