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Married ex wants to leave his wife and be with me.


Trying_to_heal

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So a short backup of my story.. Me and my ex where together for 5 years.. We broke up 5 months ago and he began dating someone else right away.. Almost two months ago he went to vegas to get married.. So i received text messages from him last night saying that he couldn't deal with this situation any longer and that he wants to be with me.. I went to see him last night and this morning.. The story that he is telling me( which i am aware may be complete B.S) is that last night he and his wife where having dinner. He said he was looking at her and decided to tell her that they must get the marriage annulled because he wants to be with me.

 

That he can't stop thinking of me and he wants her to leave. She got very upset and began to hit and punch him in the face ( I saw the black and blue's on both eyes this morning) She stole his car keys along with his house keys and she tried to run him over when he went after her to get his keys back ( He told me about a week ago she called the cops on him and lied and said he hit and spit on her ) She also pulled a knife out on him and ripped his jeans open( i saw them ripped last night). This morning we saw that she went and took out all the money from there bank account so now the rent check is going to bounce tomorrow morning . The situation is that he lost his job and doesn't have 900 dollars to pay the rent plus 200 hundred for a car key and 75 dollars for a new key to the apartment. He hasn't called the cops because he says she will lie and say he hit her also and then they will both get locked up and he doesn't have the bail money and i don't either

.His basically F*******!!!!!!!! His at her mercy.

 

 

I went there this morning and it's pretty clear what needs to happen..He saying that he loves me and wants to be with me.. I been down this road with him before and I'm very scared that he will go back on his word again.. There's nothing for him to do but sweet talk her back to come home. He is saying he will just do this until he gets his stuff back and gets the rent payed and then leave her in another week.. ( I'm sure it won't be that easy)

 

I know this whole situation sounds crazy and i might look like some type of home wrecker but I'm not.. I love this man and I don't want him to be miserable. I understand that i need to think about myself first.. I feel very scared that he is going to let me down again and he promised me he wouldn't but i can't hold him to that.. I don't know what kind of feedback I'm looking for here because i want to be with him so i guess this is just more of a vent. I want him to get his things back and i know the only way that will happen is if she returns but it's killing me to think that he will just end up staying with her and i don't think my heart can take it anymore. I want to be there for him at this time but part of my brain is telling me to run away as fast as i can. It's hard for me to build meaningful relationships with people and when i do it's devastating for me to let them go.. I know i should think of myself first because this whole time he wasn't thinking about how this whole situation was affecting me.. So confused.. Should i stick by him? Should i just go NC? Please help

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I went there this morning and it's pretty clear what needs to happen..He saying that he loves me and wants to be with me..

 

Translation: He is without a job and needs a human bank account...you...because for whatever reason, his ridiculous marriage isn't working out and she won't bail him out financially. No, do not stick by him...go NC. Let him sort out his own mess and drama.

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Trying to heal,

 

Thank you for sharing that with us. I will not tell you whether or not to get back together with you ex, only you can make that decision. Put I would just like to point out one thing from your post.

 

1) This man is in an extremely desperate situation right now, and has no where to go. He is "basically f*****" as you put it. Ultimately, he may really want to get back together, but there is a strong possibility what he wants from you is to help him clean up his mess more than anything. You need to really step back and objectively pay attention to what his motivations may be. Sure, he is saying that she did all those violent things to him after finding out he wanted to come back you, but for all you know she may have done those things because she found out he went out to a strip club last night.

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Translation: He is without a job and needs a human bank account...you...because for whatever reason, his ridiculous marriage isn't working out and she won't bail him out financially. No, do not stick by him...go NC. Let him sort out his own mess and drama.

 

This.

 

 

I mean, he broke up with you, got involved with her right away and got married 3 months after that.

 

What he needs is some time alone.

 

You can love him all you want, but don't get sucked into his drama. He sounds like more work than he's worth.

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Translation: He is without a job and needs a human bank account...you...because for whatever reason, his ridiculous marriage isn't working out and she won't bail him out financially. No, do not stick by him...go NC. Let him sort out his own mess and drama.

 

 

He knows I'm not of much help when it comes to money.. I'm a student and only work part time.. It's just very hard for me to believe deep down that he doesn't care about me and might just be using me. I know his situation is a difficult one.. He needs help financially and he doesn't have any family support so he needs her more then he needs me. That is the major reason why I'm almost sure he will stay.. It breaks my heart to know this but its all my own fault.

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It breaks my heart to know this but its all my own fault.

 

What? How is any of this your fault?

 

He created this (alleged) nightmare for himself. He needs to suffer the consequences. Don't even consider anything at all until he's annulled/divorced, followed by a lot of counseling/therapy. This is clearly not someone who has a clue how to be in a relationship at this time. Sorry.

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What sort of commitment is this guy capable of, based on his own performance?

I think his wife is suffering from her faith in this...guy, and you'll risk some more pain if you cave in to convenience.

 

You deserve better.

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You're making a big mistake by involving yourself, this is his marriage, and this should be between him and his wife. Whether or not he jumped into this too fast or not, it's still his mess and his marriage.

 

He made his bed, and he made a bad decision, but he has to lie in it.

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Do not blame yourself. You are anything but a home wrecker. You did not ask for this. You did not seek him out. He decided on his own, without any influence from you.

 

If you had sought him out it would be different, but you did not. He jumped into a marriage with someone way too fast and now he is seeing the consequences of that.

 

The question is: Do you want to be with him if he breaks it off with her?

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Do not blame yourself. You are anything but a home wrecker. You did not ask for this. You did not seek him out. He decided on his own, without any influence from you.

 

If you had sought him out it would be different, but you did not. He jumped into a marriage with someone way too fast and now he is seeing the consequences of that.

 

The question is: Do you want to be with him if he breaks it off with her?

 

I feel like i am to blame for my own pain and suffering because i keep putting myself in this situation with him. I just have faith in him that he will do whats right by both of us. I trust him fully which i know is beyond ridiculous considering what nightmare roller coaster he has put me on in the last months. I do want to be with him because i love him and i cant forget him. He says he feels the same way and he tried to be happy with her but he couldn't stop thinking of me. I feel it's pointless to be thinking about someone non stop and longing to be with them and just end up being separated.I only have this one life and i plan on living it with someone that i love, weather it will blow up in my face or not I'm not sure but I'm willing on taking the risk.. I love him very much and I'm willing on forgiving him but i don't want to be a doormat. I don't want him to see how much i am willing on sticking by his side and then him just abuse my trust and misuse it. Only time will tell how this will all play out but he says she is willing on coming back to the apartment today.

 

His plan is to be on very good terms with her, get his stuff back and the rent payed and then drop the bomb on her in a weeks time. I feel awful about how much pain this will cause her and how shady and f**** up this whole situation will be, but i love him so I'm going along for the ride.. again... hopefully this time he won't let me down again..

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His plan is to be on very good terms with her, get his stuff back and the rent payed and then drop the bomb on her in a weeks time.

 

Isn't that the same kind of thing he did with you....kept you sweet and then dropped the bomb on you and ran off with her? I seem to remember that in your previous threads.

 

I just have faith in him that he will do whats right by both of us.

Since when has he done right by you...he would never have married this woman if he was doing right by you. He will only do what is right for HIM and he doesn't care which woman he uses and stamps on to get what HE wants...he has no interest in doing right for anyone but himself. I would leave him alone.

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Oh, geez. My father pulled that trip on every wife he had prior to the one divorcing him at the moment...

 

Nobody going through a breakup is EVER reliable in what they say--even if they actually believe their own story at the moment.

 

I'd avoid the social worker role at all costs; it's a harmful setup. It sucks you into taking over responsibilities that are crucial for the one ducking them to face off with, and it does the opposite of 'help' the one who's manipulating you.

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Been in a similar situation Trying to heal and I made him take care of his business from his past and come back to me when he was stable and legally unmarried. I know you love him but you need to look out for you. I did 90 days of NC and told him to sort it out. It is unfair for him to have suddenly realized that he needs you post marrying someone else and leaving you in pain. If he is sincere then he will be a man dissolve that marriage as well as take care of his finances before coming back to you. A man who loves you will protect you and right now he is acting like a child and simply using you because he has created a mess which he has found himself unable to easily get out of. This is my favorite scripture (religious or not) "Above all things,guard your heart." Wait it out and let him handle this sans your money and heart being given over and once again not seeing a return on your investment.

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So she came back last night and is acting very nice to him. She gave him his car key back and returned the money to there account so the rent can be payed. They filed there taxes together and there suppose to get $4,000 back this month. He came to my work today trying to come up with a plan to end all this. He wants to just find a new apartment and leave one day when she's at work and change his phone number. I know this is beyond ridiculous because he has a lease which cannot be broken and it's under his name only. He says that when he tells her his afraid she will call the cops on him again and make up lies or mess with his car or do some other evil things.

 

He isn't going to leave her. I feel it in my gut and it's killing me!!! I hate this, i want to scream at the top of my lungs because I'm dying to be with him. I know it won't happen because i want it to happen so bad and i never get my way. His going to let me down and i know it. It's easier for him to stay with her and he doesn't love me enough to fight thru the hell it will be for us to move forward and be together. He says he needs money right now just to prepare for whatever might happen if he tells her to leave ( He didn't ask me for money, i don't have any anyways).

 

I feel used and cheap. I'm such a moron because i run to him at the drop of a hat and then he leaves me here to deal with this incredible pain. He gives me hope that he will end it and just as quickly reality sets in and he takes all the hope away again. I hate myself for being so weak. It hurts me to know he won't leave her and he will never come back to me. His to much of a coward to step up and make it happen for us. I'm willing to go all the way for him but he isn't willing to do the same for me and that kills me more then anything else.

 

The night she hit him and took his keys we where trying to come up with a plan on how to get them back. I told him that he should hold something valuable to her as ransom and when she ask for that item back then he will tell her to make an exchange. The only thing of sentimental value to her is 2 shoe boxes full of old pictures ( pictures of her friends and family along with pictures of her dead father and sister). I took the pictures home with me and i have them here. Tomorrow i will give them back to him. If i was a different kind of revengeful b***** i would burn her damn pictures and tell him to go f off, but i won't. I'm not that mean spirited.

 

I plan to head back into my NC after tomorrow and continue my healing. This was a huge setback for me but i can't blame anyone but me.Seeing him and hugging him and feeling his arms around me brought me right back to where i was 2 months ago. He was holding me so tight and i wanted him to never let go but that's not real and it won't ever be real and he will never be mine again. He keeps saying he will leave her when he gets his money right but I'm not going to hold out hope. It's easier for him to stay then it is to fight to be with me. I have to realize that my love isn't enough to him. He doesn't love me like he says he does because he would prove it. I'm dying inside and my tears fill my eyes as i write this because my pain is unreal. I have never felt like this in my whole life and i don't understand why this is even necessary. I feel like i am being punished for something but i don't know why.

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It's very depressing, my whole f******* existence is a damn depressing joke.

 

Your existence isn't a joke.

 

You are a wonderful, caring human being who doesn't deserve to have her heart trampled by the same ass again and again.

 

I know it hurts... I know how much you love him and would want nothing more but to have him back into your arms...

 

But this guy is crap. You deserve better. Maybe in a few years time when he grows up, you may be able to forgive him, but you'll be in the arms of a way better man who actually loves you for real, and your ex will regret it for the rest of his life.

 

Good luck!

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Your existence isn't a joke.

 

You are a wonderful, caring human being who doesn't deserve to have her heart trampled by the same ass again and again.

 

I know it hurts... I know how much you love him and would want nothing more but to have him back into your arms...

 

But this guy is crap. You deserve better. Maybe in a few years time when he grows up, you may be able to forgive him, but you'll be in the arms of a way better man who actually loves you for real, and your ex will regret it for the rest of his life.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for your kind words.. They really help me more then you will every know.. Thank you to everyone that cares enough to respond to my drama that i keep bringing on myself.. I'm sure my threads are the cause of many eye rollings when people read it but it's my life.. Thank you again guys.. Your all great.

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Trying to heal.... are you looking for that one post to validate your wishes to go back to this confused man? You have repeatedly asked for help, and the major concensus is that you should not even be talking to this man, its been years! This man is playing with you, you are mearly a toy. If he lures you back, the second he finds another potential wife OR decides to stay with this one, he is gone. He us using you. You have something his current wife lacks physically. I dont know what it is, but he will say whatever he can, push your buttons to get you to fill in what his wife cant provide physically.

You do not deserve to be treated as a #2, you are not second best and if you ever think this is the best you will ever ever get, you are sadly mistaken. Your life is not over, its not even begun.

But I think you are going to do what you are going to do. You are waiting for that one magical post to say.. oh yeah, its a great deal.. go for it, he loves you and he wants to be with you totally, he married another girl so you can love him evern more, you have yourself a real winner. You will live happily ever after or 10min, which ever comes first.

Okay so here it goes..

You have gotten yourself a real prince. Look at all he has done for you, He has broken up with you, caused you nothing but pain over the course of 5 years, dumped you many times, said things to hurt you and only has given you compliments when he feels lonely, you give him all the love in the world and he gives you only a drop here and there just to make sure you are there for him. He is a saint for marrying someone else and all this time he is texting you saying I want to leave her for you! Never mind that he will only leave you again and cause you more pain.. heck no.. he is your prince, your dream man, the best man ever to walk this planet and yes you got him. Id say fight for him, go to him. He will make you so happy until he makes you miserable again which will be within a few days. But for those few days you will be in heaven again. Then followed by another few years in pain, But hey!!! he is perfect. I wish I could be like him and hurt someone repeatedly, mis treat someone only to have them hang on to every single word. I can have my life, and mess someone elses.. I am so not a man unless I am like him! so yes. you do have a brilliant loving man. I was wrong..

there.. so now, what are you going to do?

The ball is in your court.

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Thank you for your kind words.. They really help me more then you will every know.. Thank you to everyone that cares enough to respond to my drama that i keep bringing on myself.. I'm sure my threads are the cause of many eye rollings when people read it but it's my life.. Thank you again guys.. Your all great.

 

Awww your welcome hon!

 

Listen, I know how it feels to get your heart broken. Man, do I know the feeling!

 

Been through it a few times in my life. I hope I don't go through another one, but life is what it is; An everlasting learning experience.

 

Let this guy go. He's not the one for you. God has a better plan for you!

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