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Trying to move on from emotional abuse.


Anonymousey

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I recently broke up with my ex when I finally realized he was emotionally abusive towards me, and he was not going to change. It was four weeks ago - and it did not go well. He was mean and saying things like "I will NOT be dumped," and "you always do this when you're angry." I have a restraining order on him now and he's continually broken it, sending me messages saying how sorry he is, and that know he sees things so differently, he loves me and can't live w/o me. He's said he's bought me a promise ring for v-day.

 

I am having trouble moving on because with his messages he is making me want to go back to him, I want to believe he has realized how serious I am, but idk if that's my head messing with me. I suppose the helper inside me wants to help him with his condition despite all the hurt he's done to me. I'm torn. What should I do?

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Change your phone number... and contact the police in regards to his breaking the restraining order.

 

You have to be strong.. if you go back now it will only get worse... not better.

 

He will not change... he has not learned anything.. he is in the remorseful stage... and will fall right back into his abusive self in no time.

 

Without counseling and a lot of self evaluation people who are emotionally and physically abusive normally don't change.

 

don't fool yourself into thinking he will- because he won't.

 

get some distance from him .. enforce that restraining order and change your phone number.

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He's already told you that he won't be dumped and you always do this, so he's pretty clear that if he manipulates you enough with promises, you'll cave and take him back. Then you'll prove that he's right--he can treat you as badly as he wishes, and he can simply talk you back if you ever pretend to leave him again.

 

It's also dangerous to go back to someone on whom you've put out a restraining order. You'll just be telling the police you're a flake who's complaints should be ignored in the future.

 

It's not your responsibility to play this guy's social worker. He's a grown man and capable of rescuing himself--he doesn't need someone he's mistreated as a verbal punching bag to do that FOR him.

 

My heart goes out to you--stay strong.

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Hi,

 

I just recently escaped from an emotional abuser. It was my third (and final) time leaving within three years. Each time, my husband promised that he'd change, and each time things only got worse because he later blamed me for leaving and "punished" me by tightening his control over me until I had no freedom at all. I was virtually a prisoner in my own home.

 

I could not go anywhere without his approval or him accompanying me. I could not talk to anyone on the phone (not even my own grown children) without my calls being on speaker phone so he could monitor them. He checked my cell phone records daily to see who I had called or who had called me and then grilled me relentlessly on what had been said. I was not allowed to have any money, and if I bought groceries alone (which was rare), I had to turn over my receipts and then he would check to see what I had bought and if it matched up to what I had spent. (And heaven help me if I bought something that wasn't on my approved list!) He opened and read my mail, and I was not allowed to touch it until he had done so. At home, if I left the room to go to another room, he wanted to know where I was going, and if I didn't come back within five minutes, he came looking for me to see what I was doing.

 

He would tell me that I was fat and that I had ugly feet and a big nose (I don't.) He called me dummy (and I have a bachelor's degree and 1/3 of a master's degree!) He criticized almost everything I tried to do, and made me feel that nothing I did was right. The last six or seven months, he was beginning to be physically abusive as well, starting with "accidental" shoves and pushes, an elbow to the spine as he walked by, a punch on the arm, a slap accross the face. I don't doubt that if I had stayed, I would have eventually been beaten and injured, maybe seriously.

 

I gave him NO reason to treat me like this. But abusers don't need a reason to make your life miserable. It's just what they do best and it's who they are. And they DO NOT change. They will tell you what you want to hear so they can get you back under their control. And once you are, they make you pay for leaving, and they make sure you can't leave again.

 

Ask yourself this question. If your sister or mother or daughter or best friend had to deal with what you've dealt with, what would you tell them? Now listen to the advice you would give them and do what you know is best for you.

 

Good luck and stand your ground. You CAN do it!!

 

Lisa

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