Feeling resentment to family not being there when I had cancer

[BriarRose]

I feel much resentment - especially towards my mother - for no one being there for me during chemo. I rent a room on my mother's property (cheap rent) and in 4 months she never once even offered to pick me up anything at the store (she goes every Saturday). A home health aid came after my surgery to help me wash my hair. I just think in 4 months she could have offered a small hand is all. I also have some relatives who don't even work that never came to visit me during this time. I should also mention no one came with me to a single treatment except for my very first treatment, an aunt came with me.

 

When I mentioned to my mom about being afraid of the cancer coming back and considering additional 'surgery' (which would require not being able to work for 3-4 weeks) she expressed being concerned about rent being late if that were to happen, and that she did not want to "discuss the surgery, do what you want".

 

She has always been cold , but I thought this would be different. I look forward to getting healthy again and moving away from here and renting from someone else even if it costs more.

 

Am I out of line here?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Oh wow! Your mom is a real cold fish. Most mothers have some kind of maternal instincts that would be devastated at the thought of their child having cancer and would immediately do what they can to help out. No, you are not out of line...your mother sounds very selfish and self-involved.

[agent1607307371]

Am I out of line here?

 

No. I think you are a bigger person than I am because I would take that response as her resignation from the position "mother".

[BriarRose]

Yeah, she's always been a cold one, but I thought when I got diagnosed, she would step up to the plate. But that never happened.

[Miss Firecracker]

Yeah, she's always been a cold one, but I thought when I got diagnosed, she would step up to the plate. But that never happened.

 

Misskitty, I have seen people take off and start over after devastating experiences. What usually happens, at least with the people I know, is they leave behind the very few friends they have and become isolated and very unhappy. But that is not always the case. Just think very hard before you do something you will not be able to undo. Your mother is cold, I agree 100%. I would never do my children that way, no way, no how.

[BriarRose]

Misskitty, I have seen people take off and start over after devastating experiences. What usually happens, at least with the people I know, is they leave behind the very few friends they have and become isolated and very unhappy. But that is not always the case. Just think very hard before you do something you will not be able to undo. Your mother is cold, I agree 100%. I would never do my children that way, no way, no how.

I already have felt isolated and unhappy. The only reason I don't move is my cheap rent. I can't afford to pay regular rent on a bookkeeper's salary. I have absolutely no one here and would leave in the blink of an eye if i could.

[Miss Firecracker]

I already have felt isolated and unhappy. The only reason I don't move is my cheap rent. I can't afford to pay regular rent on a bookkeeper's salary. I have absolutely no one here and would leave in the blink of an eye if i could.

 

I'm so sorry, Misskitty. I truly am.

[I_Speak_Jive]

Awful, awful stuff. Made me cringe reading it. I know my fair share of really cold, uncaring parents of wonderful people, but it still shocks me everytime.

 

Are you out of line? Nah, she's out of line. Good god, if a child of mine (when I eventually have them) ever ends up needing chemo, I'll be spoiling them rotten.

 

Yeah, you deserve better. The good news is, it has nothing to do with you and who you are.

[BriarRose]

Thank you, guys....I just didn't know if I was being paranoid or overreacting (when I try to discuss things with her that upset me, she says it's my "paranoia", so I no longer attempt to communicate things, I just let it go).

[BriarRose]

Thing is, I do think she loves me. I feel badly for saying bad things about her. She hasn't had the easiest life - was a single mom, been alone all her life, has her own health problems - I just wish she was more demonstrative, I guess. She is not a very nurturing person, but I do think she loves me.

[KG]

Thing is, I do think she loves me. I feel badly for saying bad things about her. She hasn't had the easiest life - was a single mom, been alone all her life, has her own health problems - I just wish she was more demonstrative, I guess. She is not a very nurturing person, but I do think she loves me.

 

But putting onesself before an ailing child is unacceptable. I'm sorry Misskitty, I really am.

[DocDave]

it does sound like she is deeply troubled. the problem is this is the mother you were dealt with, and there is no going around it (trust me i've tried). i honestly don't know what you might do.

 

you are absolutely right to feel hurt and neglected. that she disappointed you time and again should teach you to lower your expectations of her. so you were dealt some rough hands in life. no choice but to keep your chin up and make a go of it.

[BriarRose]

it does sound like she is deeply troubled. the problem is this is the mother you were dealt with, and there is no going around it (trust me i've tried). i honestly don't know what you might do.

 

you are absolutely right to feel hurt and neglected. that she disappointed you time and again should teach you to lower your expectations of her. so you were dealt some rough hands in life. no choice but to keep your chin up and make a go of it.

 

Exactly...nothing I can do about it, and she will never change. In her defense, however, she does work full time, so it's not like she could have done a whole lot or even gone to appointments with me, but she certainly could have helped at least offer to pick up some groceries in the 4 months I was in treatment, that type of thing.

[penelope13]

Do you see the similarity in your relationship with your mother and the way you interacted with the last guy?

[BriarRose]

Do you see the similarity in your relationship with your mother and the way you interacted with the last guy?

Yes. People always ask me if the men from my failed relationships resemble my dad - not at all. They are more similar to my mom.

[BriarRose]

Oh, sorry - I didn't fully answer - Yes, I see how I tried to gain his love and approval as since I child I have tried to gain hers. It's classic textbook.

[BriarRose]

Today I had my port removed, which is a small procedure, but doc said no lifting for 3-4 days. I asked my mom if she would change the cat box sometime during that time (it is a big cat box - and one of them is HER cat). She basically said no.

 

When radiation is over I will look for a 2nd job and save all the money I can, and get out, even if it's just renting a trailer or something. I don't want to be near her. That litter box thing was just the final straw, even though it may sound small.

[citymouse]

Oh my gosh, that is awful. No wonder you feel resentful... I'm assuming you told her the reason why you needed her help changing the litter box --- i.e. because it's doctor's orders? Unbelieveable.... I agree that it's in your best interest to get away from her. Toxic family relationships can drag you down ... I have been there too and when I got out on my own I felt so much better. Hang in there.

[BriarRose]

Oh my gosh, that is awful. No wonder you feel resentful... I'm assuming you told her the reason why you needed her help changing the litter box --- i.e. because it's doctor's orders? Unbelieveable.... I agree that it's in your best interest to get away from her. Toxic family relationships can drag you down ... I have been there too and when I got out on my own I felt so much better. Hang in there.

 

Yeah, I don't know how I'm going to afford "normal" rent on my bookkeepers salary, though - but I will work 2 jobs if I need to.

 

Yeah, the doctor ordered no lifting.

[Kaytie]

Today I had my port removed, which is a small procedure, but doc said no lifting for 3-4 days. I asked my mom if she would change the cat box sometime during that time (it is a big cat box - and one of them is HER cat). She basically said no.

 

When radiation is over I will look for a 2nd job and save all the money I can, and get out, even if it's just renting a trailer or something. I don't want to be near her. That litter box thing was just the final straw, even though it may sound small.

 

I'm so sorry MIsskitty I can't even imagine my worst enemy not wanting to clean the litter box knowing I just had a port removed, let alone my own mother!

 

I like your plan - you definitely need to work on saving and getting the hell out of there.

 

Hugs to you...

[citymouse]

Yeah, I don't know how I'm going to afford "normal" rent on my bookkeepers salary, though - but I will work 2 jobs if I need to.

 

Yeah, the doctor ordered no lifting.

 

I am in a somewhat similar situation and in my case I found a studio.

 

It is only 500 square feet, basically an old hotel room in an old hotel that was converted to apts. -- but it's affordable and includes the utilities, so it's a flat rate.

 

You can cut corners cost wise if you are willing to compromise on the square footage -- is what I'm getting at.

 

When people talk about average rent costs in various areas, they are usually talking about one- or two-bedroom apts. --- but you can find deals on studios and garage apartments in nice areas.

 

I don't miss having a lot of room. Less furniture to buy, less cleaning to do, less clutter, etc. Anyway, just my .02. It is a renter's market right now too.

[BriarRose]

I had a studio for years. I finally had to move when it went up to $695.00 a month (and that was a semi-bad area). That is when I had to move onto my mom's property and she only charges me $370.00, so I don't know how I am going to move. But in another state I can probably do okay. I live in a very $$ part of the country.

[citymouse]

Well, maybe that studio's rent has come down since then. Don't know what time frame it was when you were living there, but several years ago I remember a friend of mine was renting a very average one bedroom apt. where every year the rent was jacked up until finally they were asking $1000 to renew the lease.

 

Two years ago when I was looking for a new place I went back to that same apt. complex and this time they were only asking $600....

 

The housing bubble really screwed with rent rates a few years ago but in some areas the prices have come way down. Anyway, I think you're wise to consider other areas of the country. It can be so empowering to make a fresh start by moving to a whole new zip code and reinventing yourself so to speak. There are a lot of great areas where the cost of living is so much more affordable.

[BriarRose]

Oh, I agree. And I don't mind size - as long as the neighborhood is safe, that is my only concern. I am even willing to consider renting a mobile home, I don't care. I just want my independence back. It's just hard to do on my salary. But thank God my insurance covered most of my cancer stuff, so I have VERY little in way of medical bills

[citymouse]

But thank God my insurance covered most of my cancer stuff, so I have VERY little in way of medical bills

 

That is fantastic! Insurance is a beautiful thing, I'm glad you were covered so you can just focus on moving forward without having a burden of medical bills hanging over you. What a blessing.