Jump to content

Does the pattern always win?


moonbug

Recommended Posts

This is my first post in this section of ENA, and the dilemma I am facing is quite complex. There is a thread about that in the Getting Back Together section. I wont get into those details here. I did however, want to get some views and possibly some perspective on something:

 

There is this guy, who is supposed to be a habitual and chronic cheater. He has cheated on each of his previous girlfriends (there have been several of them), and has been caught red handed by each gf. However, being the charm that he is, he manages to cook up crap extempore and manages to make himself look like the victim all the time. All his gfs bought his stories several times and it took them ages to realize that this guy was playing them.

 

Now, this guy is currently in a relationship with a very sweet and beautiful person. She caught him cheating too...and as usual, he gave her some story. She tried not to buy it, but she thought she was judging him without understanding his side of it, and so ended up giving him another chance. The story he told her was a very compelling pity story, and she couldn't ignore it. He also told her how much she meant to him and that he would tell her the truth and nothing but the truth going forward. And of course, promised her that there would be no cheating, ever.

 

A few weeks ago, I happened to run into one of this guys long term exes. This man had cheated on her tonnes of times during the time they were together and she has heard every single story he has to tell. She told me that all these stories are pure lies and he himself has confessed this to her, while they were together. Now the pity story he has given the girl he is currently seeing, is one he had used previously on this ex of his. So she knows for sure that its a big load of crap. Also, the routine of telling the girl how much she means to him and the promise of truth is all humbug.

 

Now the question I want to ask is, what chances does a person like this stand, to break his patterns? As in, although probability and trends would never agree, it is possible that the guy might *actually* decide to change at some point of time. Sure, if he wanted to change, he would not have used a lie to resolve the matter. But, leaving that part aside, how probable is it for a routine and habitual cheater to mend his ways?

 

I would love to hear from people who have been in relationships with cheaters. What is your feeling about cheaters? And more importantly, what is your feeling about routine, habitual, lying cheaters? Does once a habitual cheater, mean always a habitual cheater?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Here's where my degree in psych will kick in. Habitual cheaters have more going on intheir heads than wanting to have sex with someone besides their current partner. They have big problems in other areas in theirs lives and unless they get professional help, the chances of them becoming a faithful partner are slim and none. The serial cheating is symptom of something else that affects their value system. Most of them feel little, if any, guilt and will cheat on every partner they have. Now, if they find a partner who understands this and is willing to put up with it, they may have a happy life. Most likely they will have a series of unhappy relationships and leave many a broken heart in their wake.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@thejigsup In that case, would you say that any girl who acts the bigger person and gives this guy another chance, hoping that it won't happen 'this time round' is basically setting herself up for a fall?

 

Also, since you sound like a pro, how long do you think a habitual cheater can go without cheating, when he is given another chance? I know these things don't follow any rule and that each individual is different. Still, if you were to put a ballpark no. on it...what would it be...if it helps, this guy has been in like 10 serious relationships in the last 8-9 years...with one actually lasting 4 years. There was cheating involved in each of those relationships, and the no. of women he has cheated with could be well over a hundred.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i was in a relationship with a serial cheater. very insecure people. the likely of them chaging is very minimal in my experience. as cliche as it sounds.. once u give a cheater another chance they will ALWAYS do it. if u end it they may realise wot they did and change but its very unlikely

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@Danny: When you were in a relationship with a serial cheater, did you catch her doing it many times or did you find out later that it had been many times? Also, did she also have a escape mechanism ready each time? Like cooking up stories and other lies, coming out as the victim somehow, blaming external factors, etc?

 

At those times, did you still give her chances, because you wanted to and hoped against hope that your fears wouldn't turn out true? Or did you actually give her chances, believing each time that it would be different, this time?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cheaters (especially serial cheaters) are looking for something outside of them that can only be found inside of them. So long as they don't start looking in the right place and dealing with it, they will cheat.

 

Until you have solid evidence that they're dealing with their internal issues, you just set yourself up for hurt and betrayal. Because cheaters look in the wrong place, they cannot resolve the issue that leads them astray.

 

And if you involve yourself in this, best to look inside of you to see why you do this to yourself.

 

I'm all for love conquering all. But not when one or both people are looking in the wrong place (outside) for things inside.

 

 

Raoul

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Given that his business isn't yours, it sounds as though you're gathering opinions to build a case against the guy to try to 'save' the girl.

 

Won't work; as any domestic violence counselor can attest. Building a case against a bad guy, no matter how masterful, serves no other purpose but to drive a wedge between you and the one you hope to 'save'.

 

First, it essentially tells the girl that you don't respect her choices enough to remain uncritical of them. Second, the more you badmouth bad guy, the more she'll defend him and her own choices regarding him--and then she'll believe her own defense.

 

So instead of freeing this girl from her choices, you'd embed her in them. AND you'll burn bridges between yourself and her for the day that she wants to consider a different choice--only making it harder for her to do so.

 

If you want someone to see the light, leave her alone and allow her to do so without your 'help' forcing her to continually build bigger defenses against what you want her to see.

 

If this plays out with the girl getting hurt, consider that the hurt will come either sooner or later anyway. She needs to do this HER way, and you need to refrain from building barriers to allowing her way to become your way.

 

In your corner.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

my first love is a habitual cheater. he wouldn't break up with someone until another girl presented herself as an option to him. he did this with me. i did enormous efforts to be with him..enormous. and this went on for 4 yrs. he cheated on me once, i forgave him. we were long distance, but i had enough connections to know if i could trust him or not. i found out myself when he cheated. he did it again this month. when some girl showed her sexual interests in him, he LET ME break up with him slowly so he wouldn't be the one to blame...

 

 

i will tell you this: cheaters are extremely INSECURE. thats the root of it all. the satisfaction, they think, lies in between their legs and the prospect of a new girl, which equals a new hope, a new chance. and then it fades...they will feel regret, guilt, and remorse and in attempt to cover it all up and bury their feelings, cheating goes on again. so i agree with 'thejigsup'. they're really insecure people, end of story, and they will always always always have some other problem that has to do everything with that insecurity and reflect it onto not only their love lives but other relationships also. and if they never deal with this, which most don't, i don't think these people will ever be happy. and they know this. eventually.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now the question I want to ask is, what chances does a person like this stand, to break his patterns? As in, although probability and trends would never agree, it is possible that the guy might *actually* decide to change at some point of time. Sure, if he wanted to change, he would not have used a lie to resolve the matter. But, leaving that part aside, how probable is it for a routine and habitual cheater to mend his ways?

 

I would love to hear from people who have been in relationships with cheaters. What is your feeling about cheaters? And more importantly, what is your feeling about routine, habitual, lying cheaters? Does once a habitual cheater, mean always a habitual cheater?

 

To answer your questions. There is definitely a chance for someone to change his habits, or patterns, be it cheating or smoking or overeating, etc. I think it is indeed possible for him to change, but if that change doesn't lie with you, then staying with him will be for naught. A certain girl may trigger him to stop cheating, but if he has cheated on you, my gut instinct tells me that he feels no guilt lying to your face and going behind your back to sleep with another person, even if that means passing a STD to you. The best thing to do for him is to let him go so he can stop damaging you, foremost, and so that eventually he may learn his moral errors and either work on his insecurities by himself or to find a girl who may strengthen the resolve in him not to cheat.

 

I have been in a relationship with a chronic cheater. My feelings about cheating are strongly negative, due to the emotional destruction it gives to the faithful party. I found it very hard to take him back after finding out that he has continually lied to me about this other woman. For me, it might have been easier to look past a one-time, drunken mistake. But if this was a premeditated act, again and again, to turn against me, and trust for him was gone forever.

 

I tend to believe through reading the countless threads here and from my own personal experience that chronic habits are ill to change. If you choose to spend more of your precious time with someone who strayed from you very early in the relationship, that might be to your folly since you can be apt to find a faithful loyal individual with the time you're spending on someone who is not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As I wrote this thread, I knew that there was bound to be someone who would get me wrong!

 

I am not going to do any of the stuff you have mentioned above. Not going to 'save' her. Nor am I going to badmouth him or whatever. I am just trying to understand how these things work. The fact that I have some personal consideration in this is bound to work against me when I say this, but I am really just trying to understand what the guy is thinking when he cheats in spite of already having a girl who is so beautiful and desirable in every conceivable way.

 

But anyway...thanks for your take on this.

 

Cheers!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...