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How do you keep from "losing yourself" in a new relationship?


citymouse

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We've been dating almost two months now. We went exclusive after the first month and tonight, our eighth date, he told me he loves me and we are now planning to start seeing each other more than once a week (up until now it has just been weekends).

 

 

(!!!!)

 

It's going *great* but at the same time I feel like I'm starting to get completely obsessed with him and "us."

 

I think the "me" he was initially attracted to was busy me, busy me who was into her own interests and activities, busy me whose world didn't revolve around him.

 

Tonight when he was leaving I joked that I didn't want him to leave and -- since we had been talking about one of his dogs who had separation anxiety when b/f was on a business trip -- I joked that I hoped I didn't get separation anxiety until we see each other again.

 

B/f laughed it off, but at the same time I sensed that he was slightly uncomfortable with my joke. And it made me realize that I'm already going clingy and needy on him.

 

 

 

I know this is the time, when things are going well, that I need to still have a life of my own and be busy with my own interests.

 

Is this something anyone else has struggled with and if so, how do you keep that balance?

 

I literally have spent the past two days getting ready for our date! (cleaning house, shopping for clothes, getting hair and nails done, etc.) I feel like I'm losing myself and turning into Dating Barbie whose sole purpose in life is to get ready for a date with Ken.

 

Way overboard, I know! I feel like if I don't get a handle on this, I'm going to drive him away or turn him off.

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There's nothing wrong with wanting to look nice for a date but make sure that you're doing it for you, and not for him. Like, instead of thinking "would he like me in this dress?", think "do I look great/feel good in this dress?"

 

And you're right. Your world doesn't revolve around him. You should still do things which interest you, and go out with your own friends sometime. In my previous relationship, it was always "us, us, us" and "him, him, him" and things did seem to go downhill from there. With my current bf, we're perfectly fine if he wants to go out with his friends, or if I want to spend time with myself. I just let him know and he'll understand. I let him know early on that I value my freedom and he gives that to me.

 

Good communication is the key to success

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Good for you that you spot it early that you seem to be "losing yourself" in the new relationship. This is natural and it happens to many people.

 

 

Make plans for youself and go out with your friends like LIlBear said.

 

I read it somewhere on the board other posters said that in mature and healthy relationships two people involved have their own goals and ambitions to pursue and focus on.

 

Have fun and

Good luck!!

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You should still do things which interest you, and go out with your own friends sometime.

 

I think I only went out with my own friends once in the month of January! Not good...

 

This is natural and it happens to many people.

 

 

 

I guess so, this is still early on, not quite two months since we first went out. But now would be a good time to get some balance back into my life. The problem is, now he wants us to see each other more than once a week. And I agree. I do want to see him twice a week, too. I missed him a lot last week!

 

But how will I fit it all in? I'm super busy at school as a teacher. I'm trying to get to the Y for a workout at least three times a week because right now I still have some weight I'm trying to lose. Guess I'll have to work it out somehow. Or maybe not spend quite so much time indulging in my E-NotAlone habit? Nahh!!

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When I met my current boyfriend, we instantly became incredibly close and saw each other 4+ times a week (attending college together helped, but I still often went out of my way to stay with him). I know it feels really early, but also be careful that you're not defining what level of closeness is "appropriate" by what society tells you. We live in a society that tells you that you can't also be friends with someone you're dating; that you can't hang out and enjoy each other's company whenever you want. This is, frankly, bs.

 

If he's uncomfortable, then that's another problem. But as for losing yourself, I don't hear anything that indicates you being in danger of that yet. You're excited about a new relationship - this is a completely normal feeling. You seem to think that it isn't. Don't restrict yourself from feeling what you feel. But also don't neglect the other parts of your personal life - do things that are important to you, see friends and family, enjoy your work. If those stop happening, you're in trouble. But if your whole hang up is that you want to see him too often, maybe you should consider who's telling you what "too often" really is. Also, it can't hurt to have a talk with him about how much and how often you both want to get involved right now; what pace you want to take this at. It's hard to feel secure in a relationship until you're both on the same page.

 

I wish you luck, and I hope you follow your heart over your head. Take care!

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I wish you luck, and I hope you follow your heart over your head. Take care!

 

Thanks, Sally. I've been telling myself I need to think more with my head... but I don't want to lose my heart in the process. I like the way you reminded me of that! There is nothing wrong with thinking with your heart sometimes!

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