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So new years, my girlfriend of 14 1/2 months broke off our relationship. When we talked about it, she told me that she still loved me, but there are things that needed to change if the relationship was going to keep going. The unfortunate thing, is that she had told me most of these things before and i just never listened. I never thought that the problems were deal breakers for her, because she always told me that she wanted to spend her life with me, and that she wanted to stay with me.

 

Apparently, they were, so after talking, we were broken up. I don't know why i couldn't see that these things were hurting her, but i can see pretty clearly everything now that i've had time to reflect and look back on it. She wanted to stay friends, which i agreed to, even though i knew it would be difficult on both of us, and i know that on my part, it certainly has been. Until about two weeks ago, i did everything that i shouldn't have. I would try to reason with her to give me another chance, i would plead, pretty much everything i could to push her away (though my intentions were the opposite).

 

I asked her to tell me what she would want me to change about myself or the relationship, and she did. Some of these were to stop smoking (marijuana), going to church, saying sorry more often, compromising more, etc. I've actually started going to church with her, but that one isn't because i want her back. I'm going to church for the right reasons, and I haven't smoked since before we actually broke up. Looking back, i can honestly see that i really didn't say sorry much, and i would almost never compromise. I feel like these two problems came from my previous relationship, where I would always be the one bending over backwards, and i decided that i wasn't going to be in that kind of relationship again, but i feel i might have overdone it.

 

For the first few weeks, i would text her to see how she was doing, and i would get to talk to her on the way to and from church. We would hold hands during service, and sometimes on the way, and we've even kissed a few times since the break. I will actually see her on the way to class maybe once a week, and we'll say hi to each other. We're still on friendly terms, so it hasn't been a bad breakup i guess.

 

She has told me that she still loves me and that she misses me a lot, but that she doesn't want to be with me unless she knows i've changed for good, and not just so that she will take me back. She also said that she can tell that i've been changing, and that her friends have been telling her they're seeing changes also (we have the same circle of friends).

 

I've been trying not to talk to her quite as much, maybe once a week and then i'll see her for church. I'm not going to hold her hand, or kiss her anymore, as i think that that's not going to help whatever comes next, whether it be staying friends for good, or getting back together. I know that she needs her space and that she needs time away from me so that she can actually tell a difference when she may eventually want to get back with me, instead of just seeing me how i used to be.

 

I want to know if there's anything more i can do, or just keep on at what i'm doing and let things work out however they're going to work out? Any advice or comments are appreciated.

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I think you're headed down the right path. But, I hope that you're doing these things and changing who you are for you and not because you want to mold yourself to the ideal of what she wants. Sure, there need to be compromises in relationships, but I hope you're doing these things for the right reason and that reason is YOU. Goodluck and I hope the best for you in the future.

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I want to know if there's anything more i can do, or just keep on at what i'm doing and let things work out however they're going to work out?

 

Welcome to ENA! I think what you are doing is just fine in this situation. If she wants to see you make a real change and she has the time to see the efforts that you are making, then there maybe a glimmer of hope on your end. Keep doing the things that you are doing and let the chips fall where they may!

 

Good Luck.

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I think you're headed down the right path. But, I hope that you're doing these things and changing who you are for you and not because you want to mold yourself to the ideal of what she wants. Sure, there need to be compromises in relationships, but I hope you're doing these things for the right reason and that reason is YOU. Goodluck and I hope the best for you in the future.

 

I've wanted to change things for a while, but i never really had any motivation. I always felt like a burnout when i smoked, so the breakup was the motivation i needed. Same for going to church. I would never change myself for someone else, unless i wanted to change those things too.

 

Seeing her this morning wasn't too bad. We went out to lunch with her family after church which is fine, i like her family. The ride home was the only part which was a little hard. Actually being with her seems to be the hardest part for me. I can push her out of my head when i'm at my apartment, or in class or at the gym, but it's hard not to think about someone when they're with you. I've decided not to contact her during the week unless she initiates it, and then i'll just see her Sundays. I just need to learn to let go.

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"I feel like these two problems came from my previous relationship, where I would always be the one bending over backwards, and i decided that i wasn't going to be in that kind of relationship again, but i feel i might have overdone it." You might want to let her know this. She might, at least, understand where it came from & that you're really motivated to do things differently. To me, you stand a chance. Let her know you understand it would take time for her to see you are moving in a positive direction and making the changes for yourself, if that's the case. If the love is strong enough, the 2 of you will be back together eventually.

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Alright, so i've definitely decided that i'm not going to try and contact her besides going to church with her. I haven't let her know this though, do you think that i should? I wanted to see what everyone thought before i sent out an email and messed something up. Here's the email i'm going to send if i decide that it's the right thing to do.

 

"Hey there. Hope you’ve had a good day so far. I just wanted to send this out to let you know that after this message I’m not going to try to contact you. I’ll still see you every Sunday for church but that’s going to be it on my part. You can still get hold of me if you want to talk, I won’t ignore you or avoid you. I’m not upset with you or anything, i’ve just realized I’m going to need space for me to heal and try to move on. Anyways, that’s all I needed to say, have a good week and I’ll see you on Sunday."

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Honestly I would not send that e-mail. What you are talking about doing isn't a big change from what you've been doing so far so don't make a show out of it as it might make seeing her on Sundays more akward.

 

Check out the threads here by Diagonal he's going through something similar and like I told him....it took her a while to finally decide that your smoking and such were deal breakers it's going to take her a while to really be sure that you're quitting smoking and going to church is not all just a ploy to win her back....when she does see you are sincere then she will have to decide if she wants you as a friend or more. It make take months but just go on with your life and keep bettering yourself for you.

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I didn't send the email, and it's probably for the best because I think I’m going to go NC. I just don’t feel like I’m healing or moving on while keeping LC. We were both at a party last night and I just didn’t feel right. I was having a good time until she got there. After she got there, I had to leave after about 20 minutes, I just couldn’t stand it. I’m going to start going to the early service at church so that I don’t have to see her. I think I’ll tell her on the way back home tomorrow morning. I really feel like this is the only thing I can do at this point to stop feeling like this. Anyone agree or disagree?

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