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Is this financial hurdle a potential problem?


MrRight

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As I reported before, I met this lady who leaves overseas. She is freaking beautiful. We agreed that I should call her every day and chat over the Internet every day and that is what we have been doing. She is saying that is open to move to my house in the US in a month if everything continues to go well with our relationship. To my surprise, not only it seems we have a very strong attraction to each other physically speaking, but it seems we have pretty much every single item in common and excited about lot of things.

 

Just one problem though.

 

I am a professional with a masters from a top school, etc, good job etc but I am not rich because I came from a very poor family myself. Unfortunately she has only high school and although she is relatively young (27) she does not seem to be very interested in studying and getting ahead. It seems she is a hard worker in menial jobs but that is about it. To make things worse, she is very poor and comes from a very poor family. So it is known already that I will have to pay for everything from now on if she moves in. I had bad memories from my ex because she was in the same poor financial situation and I had to pay for everything you can imagine including flight tickets for her mother when she came to visit her, etc.

 

If this woman I met had a professional future ahead or at least if she came from a more healthier financial family, I confess I would be totally ready to accept a long-term relationship and even marry her if things work out fine.

 

Anyone has any experience or input to give me? I am so excited about her but at the same time I need to think about this and do not make a mistake again.

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I met her 2 years ago and the airport and we spent a day together. We talked over the phone 2 years ago (I was separated from wife at that specific time).

 

Then more recently I contacted her because I separated for good from my wife. I told her that I separated from wife 4 months agon. I am married in country overseas and therefore technically speaking I told her I am not married in the US and I am executing papers to divorce overseas (but in my country the divorce takes 2 years to be processed so no way in freaking hell I am going to wait for that and she accepted to date me knowing the law there to get divorced is unrealistic and long).

 

She told me already that she has no money to make me phone calls and therefore I am always calling. I believe she has no money because she is saying she lives with her sister since the father died a long time ago. I know how that it is because that's how it was with my wife. She was very hard working at home, etc but I paid for everything you can imagine. She did not ask me to pay flight tickets or nothing yet for her but I can tell already that is the case because she has not even money to pay the Internet and the phone is being cut all the time. She is from the Bahamas.

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Yes, you would pay for her....Pretty much everything. And since she has no interest in studying, she won't go to college. She will do menial jobs in the US. If you are looking for someone on your socioeconomic status, then stop going for women below you. Go on dating sites where you can specify what you are looking for and it will be much easier to find a financially independent woman. Do you have low self esteem? Just curious because it seems you run into the same types of women.

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Good question. I do not know if it is in reality because of

low self steem or because the type poor usually will have values

that I appreciate. I dated professional and successful American

women before and with that came intolerance, excessive

independence and disregard for family values that I did not like. I know I guess it could

be possible to find someone who can fit me. Obviously

I am presentable and I believe I have many other qualities.

The challenge I always find like everyone else is how

to get connected to that right person.

 

Hey maybe I should consider the dating sites after all.

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Good question. I do not know if it is in reality because of

low self steem or because the type poor usually will have values

that I appreciate. I dated professional and successful American

women before and with that came intolerance, excessive

independence and disregard for family values that I did not like. I know I guess it could

be possible to find someone who can fit me. Obviously

I am presentable and I believe I have many other qualities.

The challenge I always find like everyone else is how

to get connected to that right person.

 

Hey maybe I should consider the dating sites after all.

 

That's another option for sure. They haven't worked well for me in the past, but maybe they might for you.

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Unfortunately she has only high school and although she is relatively young (27) she does not seem to be very interested in studying and getting ahead. It seems she is a hard worker in menial jobs but that is about it. To make things worse, she is very poor and comes from a very poor family. So it is known already that I will have to pay for everything from now on if she moves in.

 

Three things I have to point out here:

 

1) Being poor doesn't mean "leech"; plenty of poor people pull their weight in such relationships where they reside within the home of someone else. You already stated she works, so why do you think she won't contribute? Because of what you experienced with your ex? Trust me, you don't have to be poor to be a leech. Didn't you just say you came from a poor family too?

 

2) There is more than one way "to get ahead". I know some people who never went to college and started their own businesses. And they're in a much better situation than me, a college graduate! Thus, I think you're unfairly making her out to be irresponsible just because she doesn't go to college, when we both know that college is:

a) expensive

b) a risk, just like virtually any other investment.

 

3) You're perfectly free to set your own financial limits with this woman. Let her know how much you expect her to help out. If she's going to live in your home, boundaries must be set. If you're going to be in a serious relationship, you two are going to find out how reliable you two are anyway.

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Am I reading this right? You are considering not considering someone because they are poor????? What does that have to do with anything? What does that have anything to do with love?

 

i understand what he is saying. especially if he feels that his ex 'didn't pull her weight' i can see why he would want to find a woman for the next relationship who wasn't financially dependent on him.

 

though money doesn't mean she will or won't pull her weight. i was hearing from a friend about how her fiance's ex had a wealthy gf (while he was not) but she still expected him to pay 50% of the bills (even though that was hard for him and not for her). likewise, as the others pointed out, she might be poor, but be able to pay what she can, and do a lot around the house. and maybe get a better job in a few years time.

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So what !!!!??????

 

Love has nothing to do with money or financial status. It is actually sickening to me to hear anyone suggest they would consider not dating someone because of their poverty.

 

I can't believe that in today's age there are some people who believe that.

 

i understand what he is saying. especially if he feels that his ex 'didn't pull her weight' i can see why he would want to find a woman for the next relationship who wasn't financially dependent on him.

 

though money doesn't mean she will or won't pull her weight. i was hearing from a friend about how her fiance's ex had a wealthy gf (while he was not) but she still expected him to pay 50% of the bills (even though that was hard for him and not for her). likewise, as the others pointed out, she might be poor, but be able to pay what she can, and do a lot around the house. and maybe get a better job in a few years time.

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Pumpkin Head, I think that topic is not as a straightforward as you would like.

 

I came from a very poor family myself. It is true one can get ahead if you *want to*. Using my ex as a an example, it is not only the fact that she was poor, the fact is that she did not work hard to get ahead. So she was very hard working at the house, cleaned everything for me, etc but the fact is that since I am not rich either, it was tough paying flight tickets, buy everything on my own. Regarding money, I wish I could have a wife or a partner that could help pay her flight tickets and some expenses while traveling. As I explained before, if the entire family is poor and lacks conditions, believe me, you will end up paying for a lot of things because now "you are the man".

 

Yes, we are chatting over the internet and that is fine.

 

It is true that for this girl, I thought about hiring her for a business I am planning to start and she said indicated that she would love to work for me. Well, it is too early to say though. Let's see.

 

Regarding the date websites, I tried those in the past too and for me the whole thing is sick. I think I will be better off looking for girl from a chuch/conservative family than going to those pathetic websites.

 

So what !!!!??????

 

Love has nothing to do with money or financial status. It is actually sickening to me to hear anyone suggest they would consider not dating someone because of their poverty.

 

I can't believe that in today's age there are some people who believe that.

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it's not an idea, i was just making a statement. fights over money and money management lead to a lot of marital discord and strife and potentially divorce. you want to find someone who is compatible in all ways - including how they deal with money, what kind of lifestyle they want, etc.... do the want to live in a nice neighborhood in a suburb or on a hippie commune?

 

i'd say that love and money are not related, but marriage and money sure are. marriage is a legal and binding contract and you can be responsible for debts your spouse builds up. they can ruin your credit as well! you do want to marry someone whose view on money is in line with yours.

 

i understand the OP's desire to have a wife who can contribute to the expenses, including paying for her mother to come and visit.

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Good question. I do not know if it is in reality because of

low self steem or because the type poor usually will have values

that I appreciate. I dated professional and successful American

women before and with that came intolerance, excessive

independence and disregard for family values that I did not like. I know I guess it could

be possible to find someone who can fit me. Obviously

I am presentable and I believe I have many other qualities.

The challenge I always find like everyone else is how

to get connected to that right person.

 

Hey maybe I should consider the dating sites after all.

 

Aha. I won't judge your preferences for women. I will just say that men who complain about "professional and successful American women" who [paraphrase] are "intolerant" and "excessively independent with a disregard for family values" will often find themselves connecting with extremely attractive, economically disadvantaged women from overseas who seem to match their values.

 

Let me let you in on a little secret. The attraction towards you stems around economic opportunity. And your liklihood of losing that woman once she arrives increases. She may stay ... but she may not.

 

Low self-esteem may be an issue if you keep getting used by economically disadvantaged women. Facing women with professional ambitions who are not necessarily interested in staying at home to raise the children, clean house, or to defer to their husbands to make decisions can be hard when those aspects are how one defines his masculinity. At some point, it's worth thinking through whether or not some of your beliefs stem from your values system or from insecurity. There is a balance to be found and an egalitarian (not necessarily "equal" since the man and woman can have different roles) partnership.

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Darcy, it my specific case women were not interested in economic opportunities. I met my first wife when I was very poor myself, poor as you can get. I was not hungry, but that was about it. Then this second one she met me at the airport face-to-face with her family in her presence, quite by accident, so I do not think it was a targeted website type of thing.

 

Now regarding the insecurity, my female friends try to tell me that men in general are insecure when they see a successful women, etc. Personally I could care less if my woman makes more money than me. Actually I would admire her. The fact is that with financial freedom - and without the type of background I was exposed to during my years of 22% unemployment rate and financial challenges I faced to afford school and buy food - anyone exposed to financial and professional success could become very independent, intolerant and you may lose lot of values at that point. I think that is a fact for both men and women.

 

For those of us who know what real poverty means, I confess I would like to have a wife and go on vacation to visit my in-laws and spend a time in their home, etc in a reasonable house. I took my wife in the past to spend a time at my parents house, brother's house, etc and that was a good for her I am sure. I wish I could have wife that even if it she is not wealthy I could do the same. It is just a thought. Again, I believe even a poor partner, with the right attitude, can work on a small business, etc and get ahead. I like that idea and I agree that college these days may not be the indication that one can get ahead.

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You have no future with this women whom you judge for not being ambitious and for having no money. You would forever resent having to take care of her. Cut the cord now. She's not looking to climb the corporate ladder. Let her find someone who is okay with that.

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You have no future with this women whom you judge for not being ambitious and for having no money. You would forever resent having to take care of her. Cut the cord now. She's not looking to climb the corporate ladder. Let her find someone who is okay with that.

 

I kinda second this. The OP is clearly insecure with poverty itself given the bad memories he's had associated with it. Even if she was a saint, I doubt he'd give her a chance. Best just to move on for their sake.

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You must be more like professional psychiatrists at this point. This morning we talked over the phone and she brought up that she believes her socio position may become a problem down the road. I tried to convince her that it is OK, as long as she has a personality that I like and since she is freaking beautiful I could be fine with that and I could be proud of her. She is even saying she does not know how to speak English though... and I am not sure if she is that willing to learn that is the problem. It is a crazy world guys. I am saying it is not easy to find suitable partners.

 

I kinda second this. The OP is clearly insecure with poverty itself given the bad memories he's had associated with it. Even if she was a saint, I doubt he'd give her a chance. Best just to move on for their sake.
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