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I tried last night and failed again...(may provoke strong feelings)


finalformjc

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On the outside, I'm someone who has it all...a successful career, a place to live, food to eat, clothes to wear, a wife, a son...

 

On the inside, I died a long time ago. It's pretty hard to pinpoint if that happened when I was harassed and picked on as a teenager, or when my parents ignored me, or when girls took advantage of me for my money, or when I cheated on my spouse because she said that's the only way she would divorce me, and then didn't leave. But somewhere, my will was gone.

 

I've attempted 5 times since 2003, all prescription drugs, you see I was also nice and cursed to have a heart condition and sleep apnea too, and I married someone who had ADHD and an anxiety disorder that I had no idea she had when we were dating, and to make matters worse, my son is Autistic and both of them, along with my job, leave me absolutely exhausted by 10 PM everyday.

 

Last night I took probably 10-12 times my normal dose of heart medication, yeah it slowed my rate down and made me feel a little loopy, but that was about it. I don't think until I get two new prescriptions filled and take it all in one shot will I finally get enough...I can't stand the thought of using a gun, if I'm going to do this, I want to die in my sleep.

 

Now, many of you have read about the spike of suicides in the military...I am a member of the Armed Forces. For my protection, I can't name the service. I will say, no matter what you've read, there is a total stigma against reporting. The minute people find out you've went to mental health, your promotion track stops and you get medically discharged. I would rather die then have my career end like that. There is no where to get help.

 

If my wife divorced me, and I could survive financially, and be able to start my life over, and redo many of the mistakes I made, I think I could survive. But I cannot keep going how things are.

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Hi Finalform, welcome to ENA. I'm sorry things are so rough for you...

 

I know this is a bit of a harsh thing to say, but could you divorce your wife? And could she cope with the two kids on her own? (Is this the same spouse you cheated on?)

 

Clearly things can't continue the way they are - you can't cope, and it's understandable. That said, if you think you could continue living if a few things changed, that's gotta be the better option.

 

On a side-note, if you do actually want to kill yourself, ODing on medication because you hope it will do the job is NOT the way to do it - as you've seen, it may not work, and it's possible, with some medications, that they may leave you alive, but damaged in some way, which would make life even worse. Without researching the effective dose and LDs for medication, you might as well be punching yourself in the head. I'm not advocating it, but the last thing you want is to end up alive, but injured from the attempt.

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I'll address Dragunov first...

 

- No, I really can't divorce her, #1, not only would I have to take one the majority of the debt, but I'd have to pay her alimony and provide medical/educational assistance to my son with his Autism. Financially I would not survive.

 

- We only have one child; my 14 year old daughter lives with her mother back in PA.

 

- Actually, I did research the side effects, it's not like Tylenol, which will destroy your liver, it really only reduces your BP and HR, now sure, if I went into cardiac arrest and got revived after being down a long time, sure bad things could happen, but if they ultimately led to me being split, even that might be better than right now.

 

Now to fishh:

 

- Thank you for your kind words, first of all.

- My main reasons...well #1, it's the guilt i feel from cheating all the times I did (if you want to get technical, and include all of them (phone sex, emails, actual physical contact), then it's been every year since 2002). And guilt for her developing her medical conditions while she was married to me, and helping to create two children with significant special needs. #2 is it is literally the only way I can get away from her vs. losing everything I've worked a 14+ year military career for, I'd rather be permanently gone then forced to deal with the humiliation of losing that.

 

Believe me, if a woman came along and said she'd help support me until I got my bills covered, or I won the Powerball or something, I would NOT go through with this. Since both of those are incredibly unlikely to happen, I just can't cope anymore. This is a prime example:

 

I had to work overtime on Thursday. I went in at 0730, didn't get a lunch, took only a 2 1/2 hour break for my bowling league, and was back in working...so 11:15 PM comes along and she calls me, her first question is "who else is there?" When I tell her no one, she basically demands I come home. I mean, I could be TDY for 6 months, instead I live 5 minutes away, and this is how she treats me and my career.

 

It's just a lot of control and denial by her, and I can't take it anymore...

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- No, I really can't divorce her, #1, not only would I have to take one the majority of the debt, but I'd have to pay her alimony and provide medical/educational assistance to my son with his Autism. Financially I would not survive.

 

- We only have one child; my 14 year old daughter lives with her mother back in PA.

 

- Actually, I did research the side effects, it's not like Tylenol, which will destroy your liver, it really only reduces your BP and HR, now sure, if I went into cardiac arrest and got revived after being down a long time, sure bad things could happen, but if they ultimately led to me being split, even that might be better than right now.

 

What would your financial situation be if you separated? If you just effectively moved out? Is that feasible?

 

The only reason I mention the research side of things is that unless you actually know the lethal dose of a given compound per unit mass, you risk hurting yourself. Do you really believe that being permanently braindamaged would be preferable to your situation right now?

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As someone who knows first hand how painful it can be for those left behind from suicide, I want to say I think it is selfish. Your children should come first. I don't think there is NOTHING you can do - if you believe divorcing your wife would make you happier, then you should try it. FInancially, it may be difficult, but gaining your life back would be worth it. You deserve to live, you deserve to enjoy, and you deserve to be happy. Even if it seems impossible - its NOT. You just need to take susmall steps. Small steps in the right direction and it will only get better instead of worse. Instead of not wanting to be alive, you should try to come up with what would make you feel alive. Moving out, moving away, traveling, a new job, etc...and work towards it. Nothing has to be solved over night, but in time it can be. Think of your children, think of yourself, think about the possibilities you could have.

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I mean, I could be TDY for 6 months, instead I live 5 minutes away, and this is how she treats me and my career.

 

It's just a lot of control and denial by her, and I can't take it anymore...

 

If she doesn't treat you right, you don't have to be with her. Don't put up with someone that doesn't make you feel good. You could just separate from her and not divorce her to avoid costs. It would be worth it for your mental peace of mind.

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That failure was a blessing!

You need to talk to a counselor and discuss your problems, even if you don't know what quite is on your mind at the moment.

Also, you need to talk to your wife and tell her you need her support

Last but not least if you need to leave a toxic relationship, find a way to do that. Running the numbers on your own isn't the smartest, I'd contact a divorce lawyer to get a more realistic quote of how a divorce would affect you based on your unique situation.

 

People exist to help you, its time to use them

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