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Am I over this?


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It's approaching two years since the demise of my relationship, and I still feel bitter about the way it ended (She went out with my best friend behind my back. After double-timing me for a month, she broke up with me and started a relationship with my ex-best friend). Is it possible for me to be over the relationship but still feel intense pain for a few minutes once every few months? Or does the pain show that I'm still in a dark place?

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I am in a situation where counseling is only available as the last resort. Before I consider talking to a counselor, I want to be sure that what I am feeling is worth going to counseling for. Maybe some details will help you understand if my behavior needs looking into.

I've never been happier with my life than over the last few months. I thought I'd dealt with my break-up. Then today, something happened that triggered off an avalanche of emotions.

The trigger for my pain today was a run-in with the ex-best-friend. We were at a party together and a bunch of mutual friends thought it would be fun to see how I would react if asked to be in a group with the ex-best-friend. I freaked out at the suggestion. The idea of being in the same group as the tool who betrayed me was too much for me to digest. I broke down and excused myself. I still can't understand why I felt and reacted the way I did. Is this normal?

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I've thought about why I felt miserable today, and I think I'll try to rationalize things:

 

if you still think about her in any way that creates some sort of intense emotion, you're not over her.

It wasn't her I thought about when I broke down. Thoughts of the ex and my relationship with her were not on my mind.

The thing is, I always used to hero-worship this ex-best-friend of mine. And I was very insecure at the time the break-up happened (maybe I still am.) I took the break-up as an assault on my ego - I believed that had I been a better person at the time, I would not have been dumped. I used the ego-hurt as a motivator to be that better person (and I'm proud to say that I succeeded). But the hurt-ego probably still remains. The ex-best-friend is still the guy who "got one over me". Hence the humiliation when my friends asked me to hang around with the ex-best-friend.

Will I ever stop feeling this way? Broken hearts get repaired. But a mauled ego? How do I repair that?

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you'll stop feeling that way. I guarantee you. I can't offer an anecdotal story for it because it's very personal, but if many people could, you could too, if you ever want to.

 

Mauled ego, broken heart, it's all in you, and you can repair it.

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What you're feeling is perfectly normal after what you went through. I think you're doing great. your friends are clearly not sensitive about this, but they don't remember it as well as you do since it's been two years. Just do what you need to do for yourself to avoid this guy who betrayed you and still triggers painful memories. I don't think you need to throw the other friends away. I'd say a few minutes of pain once every few months is not bad at all. You're a great person to have recovered so well from such betrayals.

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