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Finding it hard not to contact him


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Ok so I broke up with this guy about 6 months ago, we had only been going out a few months but I was really into him. He said he wasnt ready for a relationship so i let him go as i was.

 

Anyway we have been through periods of NC, 1.5 months being the longest, he has been the main one to break it, asking how i have been doing, making little comments, we have even met up a couple of times and he has kissed me.

 

He went quiet just before xmas and we didnt speak for about a month. I was the one to initiate contact this time. I added him back on facebook (i deleted him after we split up), I just felt ready for it, although I still miss him a lot I knew it wouldnt hurt me anymore to see what he is doing. Its hard to explain but I do still miss him a lot and I would love for us to give it another go but it wont break me if we dont you know.

 

I think this is the reason I have been more comfortable being in touch with him and lately I have emailed and text him a few times, just whenever I have felt i want to say something or share something with him. I haven't sat back and thought maybe i shouldnt do this or maybe this will cause him to feel xyz, blah blah blah, ive just done it and it has been ok

 

He has replied to me every time and we have joked and teased each other about things. I like being in touch with him, but at the same time i know deep down that i do still like him and want him back. Its just im having a hard time of cutting him out of my life completely. Sometimes I wonder how I am ever going to be without him. Like I say it doesnt hurt like the rawness of an initial break up but the thought of him is never far away.

 

It wouldnt stop me meeting anybody new, in fact i would welcome that as a distraction. Its just that by staying in touch he is always there and it is a little hard but i cant seem to stop and i dont really want him to be gone completely. What can i do? I hope this makes sense!

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Well......let me ask you this question. If you stay in touch with him and he starts to see this as a friendship (even though you are waiting and wanting more) how would you feel if he shared with you or you found out that he started seeing someone else and wanted a relationship with them?

 

If you want him to see you as someone to have a committed relationship with then keeping the contact very limited and not initiating contact might be the smarter way to go. I know you feel desperate and the thought of not speaking to them is devastating but you risk losing what you truly want to solve for the short term need. We want instant gratification - ESPECIALLY when we are the ones dumped (I like the word displaced better) and what we need to realize that it is only a booster shot and actually the pain after getting it might feel worse - and then you have to start all over again.

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Thanks L2R, I dont really feel pain after contacting him anymore, i used to...if i text him or emailed him and he didnt reply i would get all anxious and stressed and it would make me feel awful but i take it in my stride now and it hasn't been an issue of late, although we haven't had major communication.

 

I know what you mean though, i dont want to be friendzoned, although in a way i do like being his friend, realistically i would prefer to get back together and have a proper relationship, although i think the chances of this is unlikely so maybe thats why im trying to do the friend thing rather than lose him altogether. It would be hard if i found out he was seeing someone else, although i dont think it would devastate me...its been 6 months so in some ways i have come to expect it now. It is inevitable that if we dont get back together he will start seeing someone else. I guess thats just something i have to prepare for if i want to stay in touch with him.

 

How will limiting contact and not initiating make him realise that he wants to be in a committed realtionship with me anymore than if i keep in touch with him and talk to him now and again? Im just really confused, although i agree maybe i need to back off a little now and see if he initiates anything again.

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How will limiting contact and not initiating make him realise that he wants to be in a committed realtionship with me anymore than if i keep in touch with him and talk to him now and again? Im just really confused, although i agree maybe i need to back off a little now and see if he initiates anything again.

 

if you keep in touch, you're just making him feel more comfortable.

 

if you're absent, you give him a chance to think about things. but don't bank of that.

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So its like i was online today and he popped up and started chatting to me, we teased each other about some things, it was nice, then i ended the conversation first and said i had to go. I kind of want to ask him if he wants to do something this wk like go to cinema or something but i just dont know. Maybe he thinks we are just friends or somthing now.

 

He has been very hot and cold in the past, like we had a nice evening before xmas and he kissed me, told me to contact him the next day which i did and then he just got distant again I think he is scared of getting hurt after his ex dumped him .They lived together an all and he was really into her. That was about 8 months ago now though.

 

I dont want to scare him or anything but i just want to be with this guy. I know he is attracted to me I just dont know what to do. When we split up he said he would like to carry on seeing me but just wasn't ready for a relationship. At the time I told him no cos my feelings were all over the place but I am better now and some time has passes (6 months)

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Well, he seems pretty responsive to your contact, so perhaps there is something there. But since you've known him awhile now and nothing has come of it, I certainly would still try to get out there and meet other people.

 

But if he is responding to you, there is some interest on his part.

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Thanks MK, yes I wont let him stop me getting out there and meeting other people as well, but we just seem to come back to each other. I like talking to him, although I will be the first to admit that he hasn't treated me as well as he could have in the past but i think its to do with getting hurt by his ex and now he is wary of getting involved with anyone else at the moment.

 

I am happy with the contact we are having at the moment, its nothing much just writing little things on each others fb, texting and a little msn. I am going to his home country next month and I have told him I have lots of things I need to ask him but will do it nearer the time and I am comfortable doing that and contacting him about it now, whereas maybe before I would have tried to play games and tell myself I cant contact him, he has to do this and he has to do that...

 

The thing is Im not sure where to go from here, keep in contact maybe but dont rush a meeting? On one hand I would like to see him but on the other i'm not sure if i am ready for it as last time we met up I thought we had a great time, we kissed and then he got distant again and im not sure i am prepared for that again at the moment.

 

Also I am a little nervous to ask him if he wants to go out incase he says no. I mean does he see us just as friends now? Although he initiated kissing me just a couple of months ago..

 

Hope all is well with you too MK, I have been following your threads from time to time and see your ex has also made contact again. Its hard to know what to do isn't it. I think you made the right decision in responding to him though.

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So what do people think? Should I ask him out for a casual drink or something? I was in two minds whether to do it all evening but i didnt in the end as it got too late so thought no harm in leaving it until tomorrow if i am going to do it.

 

The think is i dont want to rush things, we have only been in contact for a couple of weeks and then before that NC for about a month. I have no idea what it is he wants but do you think I should give it a go so i know for sure? Whats the worst that can happen...he doesnt reply or he says that he is busy for the next 6 weeks?

 

Im just scared and i dont know what to do. I am also worried that if we do meet we will have a nice time then nothing like before but can cross that bridge if i ver get there. I just want him.

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Betty I don't know what you should do....but I can empathise!

 

I am going through the same now, you know your ex still likes you, and you really want to chat and when you do it's good - but then nothing.

 

I really don't know what to suggest. Maybe just everytime he contacts you, or you him tou always make it fun. But always leave yourself a little unavailable. I'm not sure you should ask him out but if you do, only meet for an hour or so and then leave, leave him wanting more, not feeling as if he could have you if he wanted,

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Well after much deliberation i decided to text him and ask him out, i didnt even expect to hear back from him to be honest but within 2 mins he text back and said are you asking me on a date and said yes why not and suggest a couple of days.

 

We went to the cinema last night and just had a really good evening. He drove me back home, and we sat in the car for 5 mins and chatted and kissed and he joked that he would have to choose the film next time. Then he asked if i wanted company for the night and i said no i dont do that. He said thats fine I was just just asking. We chatted a little more, and I said I better go now as got to be up early and maybe i might see you again some to which he kind of replied Mmmmm....

 

I text him a little later when I got in and said nice to see you again, sorry i didnt invite you in but i dont want it to just be about that...you will need to try harder Let me know if you want to do something again sometime.

 

He replied here here, thanks for tonight, it was nice to see you too. Work harder is it now....hmmmm...nite nite.

 

I thought i sounded as though i may have been playing games a bit with the try harder bit and it didnt come accross as i meant. So the next morning (it was late after he sent the last text) i replied again and said by try harder i meant make more effort...i need to get to know you again now...stranger Anyway, wake up lazybones im off to work now.

 

I had no response from this which is ok i suppose but i am getting all anxious again now. Its my own fault i shouldnt really have met up with him again as from past experience it doesnt seem to go anywhere. It just he hasn't really said anything in response to me saying we will have to do something again and i just hate not knowing whats happening or if i will see / hear from him again.

 

Earlier in the evening he asked me if i was going out for dinner on sunday and i didnt really understand what he meant so i said no i dont think so...and then i twigged he meant for valentines and so i said oh right you mean for valentines and i said im not sure, maybe (in a cheeky kinda way) as i didnt want him to think i would be sitting home on my own. I said how about you and he said im not sure depends how hungover i am after saturday night, maybe just have to get a takeaway....but with who?? My friend says i was silly for saying what i did as maybe he would have asked me to do something...im not so sure though but i wish i had cheekily said why are you offering to take me out or something but i just didnt think.

 

Anyway any advice on the way forward would be much appreciated.

 

We are both in in the same small ish town on saturday night with our friends and he knows this, no plans to meet or anything though...

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if i was you i would let him take it to the next step... texting i mean. If you appear to him easily available, he will lose interest again. you said you want him to work harder, i think i know what you mean't by that, like make more of the effort and take the lead a little? Dont get tempted by his propositions because believe me its hard to resist his suggestions like you join him for the take away.

 

I was always told (and this is not involving ex's) that when a man asks you what are you up to, always appear busy like say your out with the girls and out with a friend etc or say something like i was meant to do this but ill see if i can do it another time, then leave them wondering for a little while. The anticipation will drive them crazy.

 

Only do this if you are hoping you will reconcile but if you are finding it too hurtful maybe question your thoughts about him, really think about why you broke up. Be careful because the last thing you want is you getting your hopes up and then he turns around and doesn't want what you want after all. You will get hurt so tread softly.

 

good luck hun

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Thanks Dani, yes that is what i meant that i want him to make a bit more effort and take the lead before he expects to stay over. Do you think that was ok what I text him, i mean at first i thought it didnt come accross properly in the first text thats why i text him back again but now i think i might have over done it. I tried to keep it in a bit of a jokey way though?

 

This just seems to be the typical trend of how things go with him, we will meet up now and again, have a lovely evening, he will kiss me, hold hands etc but he doesn't move anything forward or he will just disappear again. I have tried NC and everything but I just dont know how to stop this, I cant keep feeling like this over and over. NC doesn't seem to work, I still think of him all the time.

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Well I sent him a text yesterday just teasing him about a rugby match that was on, he hasn't even responded. It looks like he is just going to ignore me again now. Probably thought he would get lucky when I asked him out last weekend and he doesn't want to know now i told him he couldnt stay over.

 

Its so hard

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Try and keep yourself from texting him. You are asking him to make the effort but you are doing all the initiating. Make him come to you. Let him chase. You have to give him the opportunity. He doesn't have the chance to if you are constantly contacting him. Let him miss you and ask you to spend time. My two cents...

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Yes thanks L2R, you are right, its just normally he would have responded to those messages, it was just a bit of light hearted banter but now he hasn't responded I most likely wont hear from him again. Its just hard, i thought maybe things would be different this time and we could hang out and have some fun but he has decided to ignore me again.

 

I dont understand why he would bother to make the effort to go out with me and then just nothing after that again. Well i think i do actually and thats cos he thought i might sleep with him.

 

I really like the guy and am really attracted to him. Its not often i meet someone who i feel like that for. It just makes me sad.

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It is your fear that is causing you to have anxiety. In reality because you are not back in a relationship, you can't have expectations about when the next get together occurs. You need to relax and keep busy doing for yourself.

 

If you are looking for his response, you are looking for him to provide you happiness or attention. You need to find happiness yourself and give yourself the attention you need. If you need some social attention, go get together with friends and get your needs satisfied that way. It is too much pressure on anyone to be responsible for feeding the hungry animal we have within us for more attention and happiness. There has to be a balance. Only when you find that balance and it is happy, can you be successful.

 

He is not responsible for how you feel. Give him the space and you might actually find that not only will he reach out to you, he will want to be the one initiating the contact with you. But if you keep contacting him, perhaps he is getting frustrated because he is never given the opportunity to do what he needs to do for the both of you. Men like to chase. You should enjoy the chase. Doesn't mean you never initiate - but you did that now. Just leave it where it is and see where things go. If he doesn't contact you from here - then you have your answer that there is not the exchange that you want or need to be in a relationship. In the meantime, try and create the healthy balance for yourself. You will feel better for it.

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OK thanks L2R, I still get out with friends quite a bit and have things planned most weekends for the next month or 2 so I do try to keep myself busy, its just always there i suppose in the back of my mind.

 

We have both had time and space away from each other before. Its been 6 months since we broke up. The longest we went NC was about 1.5 months and he was the one to break it and start contacting me again. He suggested meeting up a couple of times, which we did and again had a nice time. Then he disappeared again and I didn't hear from him for about a month until i added him back of fb. Then he started making cheeky little comments about things, which went on for a couple of wks and then I thought I have nothing to lose by asking him out.

 

Like I said I really didnt think he would even reply but he did straight away and seemed quite pleased about it and then nothing again, wont even speak to me now. I just dont get it.

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well whats done is done, you cant change it now but dont worry at all, him not answering doesn't mean he will never again but dont text him again, if you do it will be like your pestering him and he will start to feel stalked. i know its unbelievably hard... its like giiving up an addiction. One thing i used to do when i felt like texting my ex was turning off my phone the minute i get the urge to text him just press the off switch. im telling you it works!! but u need to have will power also. or text a friend instead. if i were you i would delete his number if it comes to that, i deleted my ex's but its in my memory but when i go to text him ive to go to the bother of typing in his number.

 

out of site, out of mind.

 

I think he is trying to figure things out in his head, thats why he hasnt been texting back, maybe you should do the same... really think things through, rationalize it.

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Hi Dani,

 

Thanks for replying. Dont worry I wont text him again now, i have no urge to, i just feel sad, i know what he's like he has done it before. I just thought this time could maybe be different. We could hang out and text and things but it didnt have to be all serious just light hearted. I didnt want to play games so just text him the things I wanted to which was just a bit of light hearted banter which he would have had no problem replying to before we went out.

 

All i can think is because i didn't let him stay over he has disappeared cos thats all he really wanted even though we had a really nice evening.

 

So I guess there is nothing more i can do? Just sit back and try and move on and forget him??

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I think my main problem is when things don't work out I blame myself. I mean we had the date and he asked if he could stay over I said no and went inside. Text him then to thank him for the evening and sorry I didn't invite him in but didn't want it to be just about that. He would have to try harder and let me know if he wanted to do something again. He replied a little later said if had a nice time..good to see me but didn't mention doing anything again. I wasn't sure he got what I meant by the try harder so the next morning i said by try harder I mean make more effort. I got to get to know you again now..stranger. No response to this.

After I had been out the following evening I text him good luck for the rugby match the next day as we support opposing teams. It was late so didn't really expect a response. The next day after the match I thought what the heck and sent him a one line cheeky text. Again no reply. Is this my fault? Have I hassled him too much or would it not have made a difference one way or another? I just blame myself. Experience with this guy tells me it wouldn't have made a difference but I just still blame myself.

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I don't think it would have made a difference one way or another. You can make things better and possibly get back to a better place by not contracting him, not focusing on him and working on your own self confidence. We pour so much into thoughts about our Ex and making things better for them (me kettle and pot) but what we really need to do is work on making things better for ourselves. It is our strength and what we portray outwardly that attracts others to us.

 

You are fine. No true harm done. Just try and leave things where they are and when you start to think of him and why he hasn't responded, turn your thoughts to you and what you can and want to do for yourself. You will gain strength as you continue to do this. There are backslides but stay true to yourself and give yourself the attention you need and deserve.

 

Good luck.

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Hey Betty, Just a few thoughts on your current problem.

1. It has been my experience that when a guy DOESN'T reply he is pretty much trying to leave the door open in some way. (my ex did this)If he really didn't intend seeing you again a decent guy would often times tell you straight out so as not to mess you around.

2. It sounds to me like you guys got together pretty soon after his last relationship ended? He probably didn't have the space and time to deal with that while you were together so he may be using his time doing that now. You need to stop initiating contact and respect his decision to break up. By being respectful and showing him that you have your own life and don't NEED him, that leaves you the option of showing him in the future that you may simply WANT him around. Also let him wonder what you're up to: I can't remember who said it on this forum but it goes "A dog won't chase a parked car"

Good luck, it's a crappy situation, as I well know as I've just moved into LC after 6 months NC.

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