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Prelude to breaking up?


angst

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Or am I just flipping out over the possibility?

 

My girl and I have been intensely involved for 15 months now. We spent every available moment together despite being separated by 400+ miles (technology). We also spent 3 - 5 days together, physically, every month, either at my house, hers, or at various neutral locations. Marriage was discussed on more than one occasion. During a recent weekend we were making plans for Valentine's Day; would we meet halfway, or would I come to her.

 

Everything seemed normal until three days ago (I know. Still really fresh)

 

She calls on the phone and we talk marriage, her wanting to be with me, me wanting to be with her, etc. I tell her I'll move down there but suggest that I move in with her. She doesn't want that. It would be okay if we slept together every night, but not live together. I don't understand that and she can't explain it. Impasse.

 

Three days ago I get this text message:

 

"I do love you so much. I just need some time before I promise you the rest of my life. If I return and you take me back then it will be for life, no matter what, even if you die. No matter the complications or problems. Please let me do this for myself and for us. I want to be with you and I want to be sure. I don’t want to ever doubt. I need to be single for a brief time and sort myself out, or my commitment to you could have a question behind it which is truly no commitment at all. I love you with all my heart *pet name*. I want to give myself to you in entirety. In order to do that I have to be sure. I want to return to you and I want you to take me back but in the meantime I have to be alone, without guarantee from either of us, to truly know what I want. I love you more than the day is long. I ask only for your patience. I miss you. (kiss)" My reply - "As you wish." (from the Princess Bride) I am emotionally bewildered. Chest pains, stomach aches, crawling skin...

 

The next day I text her a - no response

That evening I text her a (kiss) - no response.

Still bewildered.

 

The next evening she IMs me:

 

She - I do want to give you a hug

 

I -My *pet name* I’m sorry I’m being such a baby about this. I’ll get better over time.

 

She - Well, me too for what its worth. I’m trying to be all chin-up and all. I don’t want to be without you. I just think we have hit an impasse and I’ve got to do what I have to do regarding school right now and force myself to focus.

 

I - Just realize there is a bit of insanity in my reactions. I love you. I adore you. I miss you. Being shut out makes me a bit crazy. Goodnight, dear. I really do think you’re the bee’s knees. And thanks for the hug. Your touch goes a long way.

 

She - (Blush) Goodnight *nickname*. I do love you too. And thanks. You’re not too bad yourself. Don’t take my silence as a change in the way I feel about you. I am just trying to barely keep myself afloat over here. You’re very welcome. (kiss) ...bye..

 

Now... there's two ways to look at this. Emotionally and in my usual overly analytical way. I'm just looking for some feedback on what has been said here.

 

Am I overreacting in emotionally thinking that the worst is on the way and feeling really crappy about it. Or does this seem like what my thoughts are saying - that this a prelude to a break up.

 

Things have been really tough for her in her schooling and, yes, she needs to spend more time doing that than being attached to me. I can intellectualize that. On the other hand, does it sound like she feels the current state of the relationship is hopelessly at an "impasse" and is entertaining the thought of bowing out?

Can't we just talk about this first?

Does this mean the V-Day rendezvous is off?

How often, if at all, should I remind her that I haven't abandoned her? She should get her requested space, but she should be made to feel I haven't said, "FINE! F* IT."

Doesn't it seem counterproductive when two people NC?

 

In my current state of despair, I can't seem to get a handle on it. It's only been a few days, and I have been struggling, successfully with her request. No contact. Regardless of which way this goes I will survive, life will go on.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

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Hello angst, welcome to eNA...I'm so sorry this is happening.

 

Everything is off right now. Indefinitely.

 

You have zero choice in this matter, except to just completely move on.

 

It sounds as if she has a conflict somewhere else...and that could mean any number of things...

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Tell her that, although you love her and wish this had not happened, you need to move on with your life and go no contact for your own sake and that you don't want her to contact you unless she wants to talk about getting back together - and if she does you will decide what to do then. In the meantime you will consider the relationship over and wish her the very best.

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Ya this sounds LIKE a break up to me and not a prelude.

 

Its also a very selfish one. She is saying she wants to be alone and wants you to take her back if she comes back. Is there someone else? Any new friends?

 

For now, you need to distance yourself from her so that you can go through your range of emotions and look back on your relationship.

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It seems to me that the big issue is you moving in with her when you get down there. How much have the two of you actually been in each other's presence in the last fifteen months? I know a lot of you are blaming the gf, but if I'd been dating somebody for fifteen months that I hadn't really "been" with, I'd completely freak out if they wanted to move in with me directly. No amount of skypeing, texting, etc. can actually replace physical familiarity to the point where a couple could jump to comfortably living with each other.

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It seems to me that the big issue is you moving in with her when you get down there. How much have the two of you actually been in each other's presence in the last fifteen months? I know a lot of you are blaming the gf, but if I'd been dating somebody for fifteen months that I hadn't really "been" with, I'd completely freak out if they wanted to move in with me directly. No amount of skypeing, texting, etc. can actually replace physical familiarity to the point where a couple could jump to comfortably living with each other.

During our 15 months together we were very intimate. She asked if I would move closer so we could be together more often. She looked for jobs, for me, in her area so I could make the move. I think the moving in together is a key issue as well. But it's certainly not a deal breaker for me.

 

I am sure there are other issues; there must be - and no, I don't think it's another man. I can psychoanalyze all sort of little possible nuances but that doesn't do anything.

For instance, last week I touched base with a friend and cousin who has contacts in her area. I told her the ball was rolling that might get me down there. Maybe she just panicked. But that is just speculation and I'm not going to play that game with my self (two words intended).

 

And I agree, Anna. I think I would have enough respect for a person to sit them down and discuss the issues before cutting off the relationship. Her action does seem selfish, but that is not in her character as I recognize it.

 

My opinion is, that she really is just overwhelmed at the moment. A master's degree, two jobs, a divorce in the works, and then there's me. Maybe I'm still fooling myself from time to time, but I think she knew that I would not abandon her, and I was the one thing she could cut loose. Sometimes valuable commodities have to be jettisoned overboard for the safety of the ship.

 

And then there is the unsolicited IM message wherein she said two things, to wit;

 

"I’m trying to be all chin-up and all. I don’t want to be without you. I just think we have hit an impasse and I’ve got to do what I have to do regarding school right now and force myself to focus.", and, "I do love you too. And thanks. You’re not too bad yourself. Don’t take my silence as a change in the way I feel about you. I am just trying to barely keep myself afloat over here."

 

It is apparent that I have in my own mind what the situation is, but open to the possibility that I missed something there. Norsewoman pointed out one. Actually, I made the comment, but since it isn't an issue for me, I didn't consider it to be an issue for her. Seems there's misunderstandings here that need to be addressed. Which brings us back to one of my questions.

 

How long to wait, before letting her know I haven't abandoned her? Or should I give her all the space she needs, being willing to accept she may never contact me?

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My opinion is, that she really is just overwhelmed at the moment. A master's degree, two jobs, a divorce in the works, and then there's me.

 

How long to wait, before letting her know I haven't abandoned her? Or should I give her all the space she needs, being willing to accept she may never contact me?

 

I think you should take the advice that most folks are giving you, consider this a break up, and avoid communicating with her, and ask her to contact you if she wants you back.

 

What is interesting is that she's still married. My biggest advice would be to never date a married woman.

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I think you should take the advice that most folks are giving you, consider this a break up, and avoid communicating with her, and ask her to contact you if she wants you back.

 

What is interesting is that she's still married. My biggest advice would be to never date a married woman.

 

Normally I would agree with not dating a married woman, but they have been separated as long as we have been seeing each other, process served and in process.

 

I sent her an email to the effect that she could contact me when she was ready to talk. Otherwise, I wouldn't be bothering her again.

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I agree. Good for you. How are you feeling?

 

As one might expect - crappy, and then a myriad of other thoughts and emotions.

 

Except, now I have another quandary. Prior to the "separation", I had set wheels in motion with various firms in her area. I'm beginning to get responses and additional contacts on job possibilities there. Yet another problem to deal with. When it rains it pours.

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Well job opportunities are job opportunities. Do you already have a really good thing going where you are? If so, then don't worry about it.

 

But if not, then I say follow up on those jobs anyway. Try to separate that from your situation with her. It is YOUR life and your career, and you can't let her distract you from that.

 

I know it doesn't really help, but I'm really sorry that you're going through all this, and feeling this way

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If she leapt into the relationship with you as soon as she separated, maybe she didn't get the chance to process end of relationship feelings. If the divorce is just going through now, those would be stirred up. Most people need a little space between relationships when they're serious ones. Sounds like she still loves you. I don't see why she would say that if it weren't true. Take time out. See friends. Get your own space in order. Don't have too many casual interactions. She wants space. Let her have it. She'll probably miss you, given what she's been saying and the history. Give her space to miss you. If she doesn't, that's life. good luck.

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If she leapt into the relationship with you as soon as she separated, maybe she didn't get the chance to process end of relationship feelings. If the divorce is just going through now, those would be stirred up. Most people need a little space between relationships when they're serious ones. Sounds like she still loves you. I don't see why she would say that if it weren't true. Take time out. See friends. Get your own space in order. Don't have too many casual interactions. She wants space. Let her have it. She'll probably miss you, given what she's been saying and the history. Give her space to miss you. If she doesn't, that's life. good luck.

 

Thank you. And thanks for the many well thought out responses (TwistOfate08, Ms Darcy, norsewoman, etc.); not those "ew" kind (as if I think a 17 year old boy has any concept of relationship). I have been enlightened to things I may have missed in the original dialogue my woman and I had. This has been very useful.

 

This is not the first departure I have experienced, but let me tell you that they don't get any better. Each one feels equally as bad. Unless you're selfish, you will survive.

 

I trust this woman, and I think that is a key point. Yes she may be seeing another man, but not in the way one may want to think. As I have stated before, I don't live nearby. She has a network of friends that happens to include men. But is she "being" with other men? I don't think so. One of the things she asked me (see below) was, "Didn't I trust her to make sensible choices about her friends?" How can I ask her to be a recluse waiting for that once a month contact? I can't! I won't. All I can do is trust that she loves me in the way that she says she does and leave it at that. I think this is where - as I have - men miss the boat (perhaps women as well). We get so caught up in our prowess that we forget that our women have needs as well - and I'm not talking purely sexual - but just to be with someone who they consider safe, male or female; to have human interaction. I am guilty of this. In fact... as I look back at all that has gone on over the past week or so, I probably drove her to this decision.

 

Rather than blaming the other party in a relationship, I think we need to first look at ourselves. No contact (NC) probably has its place, though I've never seen the statistical data to prove that. Loving care (LC), BEFORE the problems begin, would be a better approach.

 

Here's what I did. I created a document wherein I transcribed all conversations by date and time on both IM and by text. I was amazed at how convoluted conversations became. She says something and I respond which she doesn't get until after I have sent another to which she responds to the previous... and on and on. Not all messages are relayed in a timely, sequential order like we would hope, or think, they are. Some of the comments were taken totally out of context and the conversations exploded. Had I been face to face with her that never would have occurred. But once the hurt is there... he/she is hurt; and probably getting angry. After a couple days... major damage has been done.

 

I am the maker of my own woes. Now - I just have to figure out how to repair the damage and still abide with her request for space. I think the heart-felt message I sent to her saying I would abide by her request, i. e., "Okay, just know I'm not going to abandon you, nor will I leave you until you look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me", expresses to her my willingness to compromise in a painful situation. If she can do that, and tell me, "I don't love you anymore.", then I will reluctantly accept her decision.

 

Jealous beyond reason, yes. Because I didn't trust her completely.

Unreasonable, yes. Because I selfishly suggested she sit at home alone while I wasn't there.

Demanding, yes. Because I unreasonably wanted her all to myself.

Talk about smothering. Stupid "boy".

 

We ALL need to wake up to the fact that this is a give and take institution. Unfortunately, none of us speak the same language, but if we try, we can learn.

 

I deserve everything I get. And quite frankly... I am prepared for that possibility. I can survive - I've done it before (doesn't mean I don't feel like puking).

 

I was married the first time for 25 years and have children older than some of the respondents. I thought I had learned from my first experience, but I see there is more of me that needs work. It's not about them, by God, it's about us. Relationships are a two way street. So is the demise of that relationship.

 

I accept 100% of my half of the problems. I only hope (and that is what's left) that she feels the same way. Otherwise, I'll be cooking and cleaning for one again. I don't NEED a woman, but I sure would like to have one for companionship. Just another intelligent human being in the room, being there, caring for and being cared for.

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