OK, advice please....

[ElChup]

Been broken up just over three months. Maintained a friendship until christmas. Went NC last month after she said she was intending to date because she feels she's running out of time to have a child (she's 37 this year). Broke NC when I found out she had been burgled. After she suggested it was karma for how she treated me she asked if I had forgiven her. I said I could not yet forgive. Then, I get this.....

 

 

 

 

I'm really not sure how to take this. I feel so strongly that if I can convince her that the pain I have felt has changed me we might have another shot at it....and that I can bring her a family so much more quickly.

 

But, at the same time I have resisted throughout the temptation to beg.

 

Where do I go from here?

[HouseKitten]

Do you feel that she does genuinely love you and is sorry, but can't go on as things were before? Or is this possibly just a huge attempt to gain some absolution for herself and may be, if not false, dressed up nicely so that you might see her 'side' and forgive her?

 

If you really want to try and convince her you've changed, I guess an email could be the appropriate response. You can draft it, spend time on it and ask for opinions when you get stuck, and you don't run the risk of blurting out something awful like you might face-to-face.

 

But are you sure you really want to try? Don't risk your feelings just because she wrote a pretty story about how she felt about everything and it's made you feel softened.

[ToF]

I think she really just wants to move on, and give you a chance to move on.

 

She gave you her side of things, and that was probably more for her own catharsis than for your benefit.

 

In a word, it was closure. The only thing left is for you to accept it, or not.

[ElChup]

Do you feel that she does genuinely love you and is sorry, but can't go on as things were before?

Yes.

Or is this possibly just a huge attempt to gain some absolution for herself and may be, if not false, dressed up nicely so that you might see her 'side' and forgive her?

After all this time, and NC, why would she need this forgiveness?

 

If you really want to try and convince her you've changed, I guess an email could be the appropriate response. You can draft it, spend time on it and ask for opinions when you get stuck, and you don't run the risk of blurting out something awful like you might face-to-face.

Oh dear. I text her and suggested we talk on the phone, which we will do tomorrow.

But are you sure you really want to try? Don't risk your feelings just because she wrote a pretty story about how she felt about everything and it's made you feel softened.

 

My feelings are in the toilet come what may. The way I see it, I have nothing to lose.

[ElChup]

I think she really just wants to move on, and give you a chance to move on.

 

She gave you her side of things, and that was probably more for her own catharsis than for your benefit.

 

In a word, it was closure. The only thing left is for you to accept it, or not.

 

If she wants me to move on, why tell me that she loves me, and why give a crap when I get in contact?

 

Oh, and when I test her I said am I wasting my time if I ask you to talk about the email, and she is open to talking. Surely if she just wants to move on she'd draw the line?

[jettison]

This letter is truthful, but it's kind of unfair. It just keeps you hanging on, and it keep you thinking about her, and when she wrote it she had clear intent.... "Love me, don't stop loving me, don't forget me, think about me... But I won't be with you, and I'll be with someone else."

 

People don't write long letters like that without some kind of motive, and that's her motive. Again, her words are truthful, but in some cases you just have bite your tongue. What is going to happen when the day comes that you find out she has a serious boyfriend? And then you find out she's engaged? And then you find out the wedding date from a friend and how happy they are? At that point, she will still want you to hang on.

 

You really can't do or say anything that will win her over because as long as she thinks you want to win her over she won't let it happen. And anyone can see where her fears reside as well. When you love someone, but when you're together it feels stifling and all wrong, it's heartbreaking to be with them because you know how it should feel, and you know how you did feel, but you just can't feel that way anymore. There's just too many walls built up, too much history, too many arguments, to many wounds still fresh in the mind.

 

You know when she can deal with you again? When she senses that you've truly move on. That's when she'll feel free enough to deal. That may mean that you've dated a few other people, had another serious relationship, or not announced your NC with her, but rather, just allowed her to drift away naturally. Once she feels that your energy is elsewhere, that your focus is no longer on her, suddenly a lot of that unease will come to rest.

 

If you really want her back, although it may seem counter intuitive, move on, date other people, have another relationship, and work to be light-hearted with her again some day. It's not going to just suddenly change because you've either gone NC or another month or two has passed. Her reservations about you and a relationship with you will remain pretty static.

[ToF]

If she wants me to move on, why tell me that she loves me, and why give a crap when I get in contact?

 

Oh, and when I test her I said am I wasting my time if I ask you to talk about the email, and she is open to talking. Surely if she just wants to move on she'd draw the line?

 

She wants to know that YOU can't move on from HER, yet she's trying to sound like a good person by writing this nice little letter to you.

 

She's being manipulative. As much as you might not want to believe it, I think it's possible that she's just doing this to boost her own ego.

[ElChup]

So basically she's screwing with my head?

[ElChup]

She wants to know that YOU can't move on from HER, yet she's trying to sound like a good person by writing this nice little letter to you.

 

She's being manipulative. As much as you might not want to believe it, I think it's possible that she's just doing this to boost her own ego.

 

But what ego boost can it give?

[ToF]

Yes, even if it's unintentional, she IS screwing with your head, is she not?

 

Well, the ego boost would come from her knowing that you are still hanging on to her, and clinging to the hope of rekindling a romance. That would boost anyone's ego.

[ElChup]

 

Well, the ego boost would come from her knowing that you are still hanging on to her, and clinging to the hope of rekindling a romance. That would boost anyone's ego.

 

Even when combined with guilt?

[ToF]

Yes, I think so.

 

She might feel guilty, but if she REALLY felt bad for everything, she wouldn't be trying to string you along. She might want you to move on on some level, but I think she really wants the reassurance. In effect, if you're still into her, she knows she's still desirable.

[ElChup]

Damn, so I pretty much totally misread the email?

[ToF]

I think so..

 

I could be wrong, but I really think she's manipulating you. Even if it's unintentional.

 

As long as you're still trying to get with her, she's not going to get with you. Plain as that.

[HouseKitten]

Sometimes you have to fall in order to get back up again.

 

By which I mean, if you're unsure then maybe it's not a bad thing to speak to her. Bur have a clear goal and plan what you want to say. I think your goal shouldbe to establish from her whether she wants to try again or not. If she dithers about it and won't give you a straight answer then you know she's just trying to keep you hanging around. But if there is a last chance, you've given it a shot.

[ElChup]

Crap.

 

I'm in the bad zone now.

[ToF]

Bad zone?

 

Not necessarily. You can change that easily

[ElChup]

Just want her back. That's it. Tried moving on. Tried NC. Tried the lot. Feelings still the same as the day I had to leave.

 

Not getting better. Thought I was when I went NC. But not.

[ToF]

Awww, don't get discouraged. Sorry for being so blunt with you, but it's better to just work with the truth rather that keep building an illusion.

 

All you've done hasn't worked, and she's using you. Just walk away and start the healing process with some of your dignity.

 

I'm sorry

[rigguy]

Rambling of a guilty dumper is what I read. Might be totally wrong but do yourself a favor and not read into this too much. Cheering for you brotha

[bish0p2004]

If she wants me to move on, why tell me that she loves me, and why give a crap when I get in contact?

 

Oh, and when I test her I said am I wasting my time if I ask you to talk about the email, and she is open to talking. Surely if she just wants to move on she'd draw the line?

 

The thing is, I still tell my ex that I love her whenever she writes me, but in my mind, we will never have a relationship even if she wanted to get back together. Although I was really depressed after the break up, I knew that she wasn't the one and I still feel that way.

 

When dumpers do this, I don't think that there are any evil intentions behind their actions. It just is what it is.

 

In my situation, I'm the dumper who tried to desperately get back with my ex when she first rejected me. But, even through all of that, I could not fully understand why I wanted her back even when I dumped her so many times before that. Hell, I still can't understand it. I think that I was just being territorial and as soon as another man decided to step up to the plate and she allowed it, I lost my composure.

 

I told my ex two weeks ago that I still loved her and miss her (and I still do), but I would never get back with her because we just weren't good together and I lost a little bit of myself after the break up, which I'm trying to get back.

[ElChup]

What if I feel she is "the one"?

[1guygirl]

What if I feel she is "the one"?

 

well then, you try....

 

i know thats against the grain of advice here, but you said you have nothing to loose. its not like she sent a "dont ever contact me again" email is it? i would go with your heart, albeit keeping it protected. few years from now say you look back, and you didnt follow your heart, would you regret not saying how you felt?

 

i sent the 'letting go' email off a few days ago, as i was in limbo (enforced nc) and felt i had to do it, and i wanted him to know i truly loved him. ok he hasnt got back to me but i would do it again in a heartbeat. i know that now i can say i did everything i could, i apologised for my stuff and i let him know how i felt whilst not begging or pleading. i feel it has helped me in my nc and healing and no matter what, i told him he was loved. i had nothing to loose and so i did it.

 

pen something out, have a think...and wait on it abit - and see how you feel then, if it still feels right, send it

[ToF]

If you feel like she's "the one" then I guess you could give it a try.

 

But be prepared, I get the feeling you will only be making her feel wanted, until she gets tired of it and THEN tells you never to contact her again.

 

Just my thoughts.

[Ms Darcy]

The thing is, I still tell my ex that I love her whenever she writes me, but in my mind, we will never have a relationship even if she wanted to get back together. Although I was really depressed after the break up, I knew that she wasn't the one and I still feel that way.

 

When dumpers do this, I don't think that there are any evil intentions behind their actions. It just is what it is.

 

This is exactly how it read to me. She's saying that no matter how she feels, she knows you are not her "one." I know it hurts, but it has to sink in at some point.

 

Having said that, I think that if you can handle further rejection, then tell her how you feel again. But prepare yourself to be turned away.