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reason why great girls can't find love:


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past days have been an emotional drain for me and being comforted by various friends I put together a coherent theory that has never before been so obvious

 

here's why I can't find love, maybe some of you make the same mistakes:

 

1. I'm generally closed toward people and I don't care to eg. talk to someone if he/she is not my friend - same thing for attraction, I have to know the guy first.

2. It takes time to develop closeness so my dating pool is limited to people I meet everyday whether I want to or not: work. I work in fashion industry where men are either gay or spoiled womanizers (sorry for generalizing).

3. If my perfect match is trying to cold approach me, he will fail miserably as I never give them a chance - again I need time and seeing someone for the first time I totally don't care about him. Probably missed out on tons of great guys this way...

4. I'm picky so I rarely ever like anyone, but once I do he becomes my everything! I don't know how to act and loose him:

a) I act like the guy owes me something

b) I make myself available too much OR I keep it hidden and deny it making the guy think I'm so not into him

c) I act hot and cold bc I don't know whether I'm reading his signs correctly or if he's giving me any signs, I want to be nice but getting frustrated if he shows no interest

d) if I really like the guy and exposed to an insecure situation for too long, I might go crazy, give attitude, burst into crying at random

5. Liking someone is really not a blessing, but more of a nightmare bc I don't know how to come about it.

6. If the guy is ambivalent toward me it kind of gets me even more and therefore I hurt more bc I can't have him.

7. Liking the guy and not knowing where I'm standing may cause erratic behavior. I'm scared to flirt thinking I'm giving him too much affection and making a fool of myself. But when I finally flirt I expect immediate results like: asking out and if they don't come I'm sooo depressed.

8.Once in a relationship I'm a looser girlfriend: rarely show I care, show that I don't care to keep them chasing me (that's all in fear of loosing him), I get jealous, boring and clingy cause I can't get enough of my love. I let him disrespect cause I love so much I can't let go. It's degrading for me and I loose in value in his eyes.

 

Instead I'm going to:

* be a girl who's freinds with everyone! the more I talk to people the more I know about them and find they're exceptional - the more I become interesting as a person myself!

* I let the freindship be a goal on its own - even if I like the guy I will not make any attempts to seduce or flirt with him, if he starts I will keep him guessing until HE starts going crazy about me

* keep my heart in check until I see the guy is sincere in his intentions

* realize that the person I'm into is just as good for me as other guys, no point in letting him mistreat me and keep forgiving, as he's not going to change.

* be a happy person in a relationship, be good when he's showing love but set him straight when he's not and absolutely put up with no BS!

* focus on myself not on a relationship, whether I have it or not!

 

 

Please comment, does this theory make any sense???

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Yes, it makes sense.

 

I do mistakes 1, 5 and 8 to varying degrees -- today I am feeling very moody and insecure about a few things relating to my new b/f... which stresses me out because I need to get my head together and not get too emotional around him when he comes over tonight.

 

I like all of your solution ideas, especially the last one. Ughh... I lose myself in relationships and I can already feel it happening with my current one. I don't like this, it's not healthy at all.

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Makes plenty of sense. It seems to me that you've been very honest towards yourself on this matter, which is a big plus. I can't say that I've never had some of the traits you're talking about, since I too am closed off to people in general.

 

Seriously elsewhere, you've done a remarkable job pointing out your own personal flaws and laying out a plan to overcome them. Most people don't really take the time to do this, and I'm pretty sure you're going to succeed.

 

Just take into heart that over time you may change your mind on some of these flaws and find that they're not really flaws at all (such as being introverted, or "picky"). In the end, it's all about being a balanced happy person, and all people have their own sense on what makes them happy. Being open-minded helps us to understand what really makes us tick, and part of that open-mindedness means accepting things that we originally thought were undesirable when such things prove to be an indespensible part of our selves.

 

Here's wishing your path of self-discovery yields plenty of fruit.

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reason why great girls can't find love:

 

I don't care to eg. talk to someone if he/she is not my friend

 

If my perfect match is trying to cold approach me, he will fail miserably as I never give them a chance

 

I act like the guy owes me something

 

I make myself available too much OR I keep it hidden and deny it making the guy think I'm so not into him

 

I act hot and cold

 

8.Once in a relationship I'm a looser girlfriend: rarely show I care, show that I don't care to keep them chasing me (that's all in fear of loosing him), I get jealous, boring and clingy cause I can't get enough of my love. I let him disrespect cause I love so much I can't let go

 

You say you are a great girl..but the behaviours I highlighted above are the kinds of behaviours in both men and women which make them not so great in the relationship department. People who behave like that end up really really hurting the person they are with. To make yourself truly a great girl for a relationship, you need to work on getting rid of those drama-inducing behaviours.

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exactly... CAD, you stole words out of my mouth. I thought what exactly is so great about this girl?

OP, not trying to say that you are not a great girl, may be you are in other areas, but atleast from what you have posted here, if you are doing these things, men won't bite even if you looked like Megan Fox. Well... sorry, some will afterall physical attraction overrides everything else for some men.

But like another poster said, yes, its good that you at least identified what you might be doing that is turning men away. I would suggest that you read Manual by Steve Santagati and Be your own matchmaker (hope I'm getting the name right) by Patti Stanger. You will learn a lot.

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Thanx for support citymouse and Authentic Author! hopefully realization will be followed by a real change I'm working on it

 

the reason why I said great girls is bc I've met lots of girls on this forum who like me constantly hear: how come such a catch doesn't have a bf? or: you deserve better than this guy, or have guys chasing them but none really staying

I thought I figured what's wrong with me, perhaps it could apply to others

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Oddly enough, I do some of the same things you stated you do when it comes to men. One of the many 'flaws' I don't understand is feeling like they owe me something. I don't know where that comes from. Then once involved, I can get pretty distant. I've been working on me- trying to figure it all out, but haven't sat and listed things I could improve on. I think it helps- to identify. I'm going to sit down and write it out myself. Thanks for the post. I've had this urge to date. but I know deep down I'm not ready....to offer myself as a solid person. Therefore would probably pick the wrong guys, or get involved and destroy a good thing. I don't know how some people make relationships look so easy. How I became the only single one out of all my friends...

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* be a girl who's freinds with everyone! the more I talk to people the more I know about them and find they're exceptional - the more I become interesting as a person myself!

 

Yes, this is true. Say yes to meeting new people, you'll often find you're surprised by them, even if at first they might not seem to be worth your time.

 

* I let the freindship be a goal on its own - even if I like the guy I will not make any attempts to seduce or flirt with him, if he starts I will keep him guessing until HE starts going crazy about me

* keep my heart in check until I see the guy is sincere in his intentions

 

I lumped these two together.

 

If you like the guy, work at deepening your friendship with him. Work at slowly spending more time with him, be honest with him, be nice with him (hopefully you're naturally nice already, right?), and do flirt, but sparingly (you're trying to hook a fish, not net it against its will).

 

If you two are compatible, the relationship may easily come about on its own this way. It doesn't matter who makes the first move if you've developed a strong friendship at that point. Further, if you two are genuinely friends you'll probably find a lot of your other problems and insecurities disappear with him since you'll feel comfortable being yourself around him rather than your "dating self."

 

* realize that the person I'm into is just as good for me as other guys, no point in letting him mistreat me and keep forgiving, as he's not going to change.

 

Yes, don't expect people to change, though they can. If you're treated poorly, break things off with the other person. If you feel it's safe to at a later date (3 months+ down the road, IMO. 1 year+ is best if you're looking for true change), you can try again. If the same behavior resurfaces (it likely will), end it for good. You will know at this point the person is unlikely to change.

 

The only acceptable time at this point to consider a third chance for this person is at least 5-10 years down the road after you see outward signs of change in the maturity and life outlook from that person. If you choose to risk a third chance, be prepared for the same behavior to occur again, though don't go seeking it out or be paranoid about it.

 

Physical abuse doesn't deserve a second chance! If the other person inflicts physical hurt on you intentionally, GET OUT NOW! You are smart enough to know this kind of abuse when you see it. Act on it and get away from it. Involve the authorities if you feel your longterm safety is threatened by the other person, even if you leave the relationship.

 

* be a happy person in a relationship, be good when he's showing love but set him straight when he's not and absolutely put up with no BS!

 

Be a happy person, be good to him always, communicate effectively, and don't put up with games or emotional abuse (though don't be too quick to see a mistake as either of the two).

 

If you look at a relationship as "I'll be nice until he screws up, then I'll set him straight like the moron he is!" you've already failed. You don't have to put up with harmful behavior, but when things go wrong it's a two-way street. It's not about who can set who straight and be right, it's about coming to a mutual understanding and making things right between you two.

 

If you don't understand where he's coming from, how will you have any idea how the two of you are going to meet back in the middle?

 

* focus on myself not on a relationship, whether I have it or not!

 

Be who you are at all times, whether or not you have a relationship. If you have a relationship, naturally your focus will often be on the other person. However, that doesn't mean you must give up your life completely for that person. Sacrifices and/or adjustments on both ends may have to be made depending on how far you want to take the relationship, but these changes should be made as last resorts, not as the first thing you do to make things easier.

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You say you are a great girl..but the behaviours I highlighted above are the kinds of behaviours in both men and women which make them not so great in the relationship department. People who behave like that end up really really hurting the person they are with. To make yourself truly a great girl for a relationship, you need to work on getting rid of those drama-inducing behaviours.

 

I couldn't agree more. A quality girlfriend those behaviors do not make.

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Physical abuse doesn't deserve a second chance!

 

NO kind of abuse deserves a second chance! Whether it's emotional, psychological or physical, none of it should be tolerated for ANY reason what so ever. All abuse shows a lack of respect from the abusers toward you and should be a red flag.

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You say you are a great girl..but the behaviours I highlighted above are the kinds of behaviours in both men and women which make them not so great in the relationship department. People who behave like that end up really really hurting the person they are with. To make yourself truly a great girl for a relationship, you need to work on getting rid of those drama-inducing behaviours.

 

CAD, you are da bomb!

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You have a list of behaviors but I don't see any theory there. A theory would explain why you behave in this manner.

 

My theory is that you have a fairy-tale image of what a relationship is, and a belief that men are predictable machines who will behave exactly as you expect them to. I don't think you are seeing men as real people, complete with flaws just like you or any of your friends. I would bet this comes from a life time of watching TV and movies. Our media culture really affects our perceptions, and this kind of thing happens all the time. We spend a lot of our life in an idealized fantasy land, and at some point we realize, "wait, things aren't really like that." I think you are coming to this point now.

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