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Could NC work against you?


nychika82

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i realize the purpose of NC is to heal or/and to hopefully get someone back by them missing you but wouldn't the dumper heal as the time goes on just like you have. Out of sight, out of mind. What do you think?

 

Of course, there is a chance that a dumper might start looking elsewhere doing a break-up. But we have to remember, at that time there is no relationship, and at least at that time, the dumper has the intention that there should not be a relationship. The question is whether the dumper is 50% sure of his/her decision, 80% or 100% sure. You cannot know.

 

So you can only improve on the odds of getting together again. And usually, NC is the best way to improve odds. But there are no guarantees.

 

Not applying NC is probably a useful strategy in situations where BOTH of you are able to handle contact in a mature fashion. Honestly, I don't think it will help sticking around if you are not able to deal with the contact in a healthy way. It will just make matters worse.

 

In general, we are talking about odds and chances of reconciling. But the situation is inherently out of control of the dumpee.

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my humble opinion being on both sides of the situation. sometimes a dumper is not fully aware of the consequences of losing someone they were close with. the first month can feel like freedom to them while it feels like hell to the dumpee. any contact the dumpee has with the dumper makes it easier to move on knowing the person they dumped is there if they wanted them back. even if its not a conscience thought it is there in the back of there mind. its is easy to let go when you know someone is there hanging on. no contact forces the dumper to see the reality of life without the person. so if the dumper really knew what he/she was doing and was realistic about the breakup than no contact will probably not work in changing their mind. but if the breakup was an emotional confusion or a powerplay no contact could make the dumper miss you and not want you to let go.

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NC heals the dumpee and may help the dumpee get over the dumper because ultimately the dumpee was rejected. So the healing process is based on the feeling of being rejected and therefore over time the attitude can be "well, if you don't want to be my partner then who the **bleep** cares about you anyway, I don't need you, have a nice life". That is when the dumpee heals and moves on.

 

The dumper, however, comes from a completely different perspective. The dumper walked away from someone who still cared (I am assuming for the sake of this example that the dumpee was NOT doing things that were destroying the relationship such as addictions, abuse, cheating etc). So the dumper turned their back on someone who was still very much in love them. That makes the thought processes different from those of the dumpee. Now if the dumper truly doesn't care anymore then the dumper won't come back...but they won't come back with NC, LC or maintaining friendship..the feelings are gone for good. However, what NC can do that LC and friendship can't is give the dumper a chance to miss the dumpee and reflect on the positive aspects of the relationship and the love the dumpee had for the dumper. NC allows the dumper the time and distance to have had a chance to think and reflect. If a dumper truly loves the dumpee, NC won't make them forget.

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Unless the reason why you broke up has changed, why would the "dumper" decide to take someone back?

 

...With my relationships, I've almost always been the dumper, and I broke up with these women because we were not compatible and wanted different things. I honestly want the best for these women, and hope that they have found love with men that are a better match for them.

 

I would not want to get together with any of my past loves, unless it was just to be friends. I am very good friends with my last ex, I even helped her find her new man, who I've met ( we've had several dinners together ), and he is a very good match for her. ( they've been together 18 months now, longer than we were together )

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To me, part of the factors involve how much love and positive experiences were there. People try to forget at the end of a relationship. If you are in contact, they have you on their mind because of the contact. If there is NC and they can't get their mind off you it is much clearer to them that they miss you. Whatever caused the breakup is just one part of the relationship. Their mind can roam on other aspects within the space NC creates.

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