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I still hurt


amarie

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In July 2009 I came home from being out with my brother all night, when I walked in the door I was greeted by a female I had never seen before. She was startled and got up and asked me who the * * * * I was.. I responded who the * * * * am I? I live here who the * * * * are you? She said I'm a friend of (don't want to disclose) Mikes. I stormed through the apartment to find the bedroom door locked.. I kicked it down and stormed in only to realize that all of the pictures of us in the apartment were turned face down... He said it's not what it looks like her friends left her at the bar she needed a place to crash.. I flipped out as many girls would and demand answers right there on the spot.. he said he was too hungover and he would explain everything in the morning.. After my half assed talk with him I went back into the living room and told her to get out.. I stayed up all night... before he woke up I went to my mom's in tears and she said if she was on the couch and he was in your room with the door locked then nothing happened.. you're over reacting appologize.. So I went back home and apologized..

 

2 Weeks later I get off work and call and see if my boyfriend wanted to see a movie that night, he said sure once he finishes at the gym we will go out for a nice dinner and see whatever movie I wanted to see.. 2 hours later I received a call from my older brother who said he just spotted my bf at the fair with another girl.. I didn't believe that it could be my bf so I called him.. no answer.. called again.. again...again... finally my brother calls me back and says yep it's him I just made a point to run in to him.. He boogied right after I seen him though... So instead of just calling I decided to go to this fair and setting this once and for all... When I got there I was at the door to get in and I realized I had left in such a panic that I forgot my wallet... He calls me back... He didn't want to tell me who he was with then I said.. "Is is the same * * * * * that was at our apartment a few weeks ago" he says "none of your business" then "yes" I left and went home packed my * * * * and moved back home.

 

October rolls around and he's calling me all the time.. wanting to hang out.. Old feelings start up again and soon enough we are back together... I couldn't help it but to blow up on him for all of the pain he caused me.. I never did anything to deserve being treated like that.. I never cheated, lied, nothing like that! I don't know what I did.. I thought everything was fine back then.. and it hit me out of nowhere.. like I should of seen it coming but even now when I look back I still don't see where it came from.. So I'm critiquing myself and my every move.. Was it my Weight? Complexion? Car? Job? Schooling? Finances? what was it!!!

 

We are doing really good now.. better than I can say we've been in over 3 years.. but I still wonder why he did it.. I'm super insecure by it and well idk... What I'm getting at is I love him.. and I want to be completely happy with him but I always seem to have this in the back of my mind... I want to know how to completely let go.. I want to stop hurting...

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We are still together.. and right now it seems absolutely perfect, I know that may sound weird after what I've been through but it just feels right this time. I was put through so much and in so much pain for so long I'm just having a hard time accepting the fact that the one I'm in love with now is the one who hurt me so bad before.. I get a lost feeling and I'm so insecure as to why someone would do this to me... I am an outgoing girl, I know boys will be boys so I gave him his guy nights and I didn't care about strip clubs and I was always there for him always kiss him goodnight and wake up with him in the morning before he went to work... I am just trying to figure out what I did wrong... I want to be able to love him and not have this fear of being hurt anymore.. Needless to say my parents/brother are no help because they absolutely lothe him. Makes sense because they seen me hit rock bottom...

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I've only met one or two men in my lifetime that I am sure did not cheat. So, it really means nothing to them. It's nothing you did or said. They just do it. If he says he loves you and you're doing good, let it go. Most men cheat and many women do as well. It's what the world has come to, sadly.

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He says he didn't cheat... I've heard many stories from his family/friends that justify it but I can't bring myself to believe it... He isn't the cheating type.. his ex hurt him bad by cheating numerous times and I want to believe him.. it's just I don't want to be nieve in doing so... Cheating or not he lied to me.. he broke my trust.. and I'm trying to build it back... I love him... I just want to be myself again...

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He cheated you emotionally by being sneaky about being around this other girl though...

 

Are you scared of breaking up with him because you don't want to be alone? You say you love him and everything is perfect, but it is fair for you to be feeling this way.

 

When someone cheats (perhaps he didn't sexually) it isn't your fault, it's their own issues at the end of the day.

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I have no troubles being alone... It sucked at first but I actually started to enjoy all the things I could do for ME not HIM/US... I really do love him and I see a future with him as well.. Before we got back together I laid down a few ground rules that I thought it would be good if we both followed.. We improved our communication 110% I am slowly starting to trust him again but I still am unhappy with myself... I got a gym membership and I go with him every day and some days I go once or twice by myself as well... He's focused on gaining my trust back now and I want to I just think it might take time

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The only way this can work is if he understands how you feel right now and makes himself transparent for a while, if you need that to feel reassured it's not happening again. He has to be willing to let reassure you by letting you see his calls, etc. for a while, if you need that. The feelings you are having are perfectly natural and will take time to fade. One day at a time. If you feel there is enough there to stay for, and that is what you are saying, please understand this will take time to recover from. You feel terribly betrayed. Is he understanding about your feelings now?

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Yeah he shows me everything.. for instance, tonight he want to a game dinner, when he asked if it was okay to go he showed me the tickets and the text from the guys at work saying they were going as well.. I don't like to feel like I need to know everything.. he's offering it to me now which is a nice change... if he gets a text he tells me shows me same with calls ect... and i do the same back to him.. He knows he messed up and he knows he hurt me.. he said hes willing to do whatever it takes..

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Well that's good. Since it's been since June, that's been a while... no one can tell you how long it will be to heal from it though. Sounds like he really cares about you and wants to do his best to make it up to you. At some point you're going to have to choose to let it go, redirect your attention when you dwell on it...focus on the present....

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I've only met one or two men in my lifetime that I am sure did not cheat. So, it really means nothing to them. It's nothing you did or said. They just do it. If he says he loves you and you're doing good, let it go. Most men cheat and many women do as well. It's what the world has come to, sadly.

 

This board alone is full of guys who's girls have cheated and vice versa. Its your opinion and while entitled to it I think its well wide of the mark. If a person does cheat in most cases it's because there's something wrong with the relationship at that point. People don't usually cheat just for the hell of it, especially when they are happy with their partner. Therefore that suggests to me at that point the cheater wasnt happy with something. It could be either the partner or their relationship. Unless of course they have a personality defect and are a pathological cheater or just someone who needs some sort of sexual variety.. which seemingly you think is 'most' men. Sorry..cant agree there at all.

 

Some research suggests just over 50% of women cheat and just under 50% of men. Other research suggests more men than women though the girls are catching up as society changes. Overall I'd say its about 50/50 thesedays. I've never seen anything that says 'most' men cheat. I'm sorry if thats your experience. Maybe you have subconsciously chosen a certain type of man who would be more prone to this type of behaviour.

 

OP..I feel you have a right to feel insecure and you need to get to the bottom of this. You cant just let it go.. it WILL affect your relationship unless you are at peace with this situation no matter how good it is right now. You may be able to ignore how you feel for a while though I dont think you can forever. He owes you a full explanation regardless of how much he loves you..and if he loves you he 'should' (I dont really like shoulds, but in this case..) be willing to help you resolve your fears. Your intimacy long term will be affected unless you both tackle this possibly festering issue.

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... I am just trying to figure out what I did wrong... I want to be able to love him and not have this fear of being hurt anymore..

 

Why do you think you did something wrong? Don't blame yourself unless you know what happened.

 

Also, if you want to not have this fear anymore you need to learn to forgive him. You can try to identify why the event happened. Even if you can't, you need to let it go. It is your decision. Without forgiveness, you will always have the fear that he will hurt you.

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