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I'm only 13! What's wrong with me?!


Ifeelinvisable

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Ow, hmmm, my knuckles sting like Hell as I write this. I get so angry sometimes, so sad, or just so self-loathing I go into a phase. I start punching myself, so hard I give myself bruises, and when I saw how reddish pink my knuckles got, I flipped out, I just got so freakishly happy and giddy that I could hurt myself, I puched harder. It wasn't one of those "Oh it hurts so good" kind of things. I dont really know what it was. I started to punch my wall, instead of just my legs, the walls are rough and feel horrible, but I didn't care, the out come is just to good. I love blood, the colors beautiful and bright, and it makes me so happy to see it coming from a wound I made. Self-inflicted makes it better I guess. I punched the wall and kept hurting my knuckles in a way that made me sure I was going to break them. So I wrapped my knuckles in a shirts I could feel through I used both hands to punch, then I took my the shirts off and rubbed my knuckles hard against the wall, it reminded me of putting my knuckles to a cheese grader. It didn't make me bleed fast enough. I hit my self more. Then I took a pair of scissors off my desk and cut some skin off my knuckes. Ow. I didn't notice the sting till about an hour ago. I sat down finished with my knuckles and took a cord from the ground. It's green, an extension cord, a small one for home, and wrapped it around my neck. My head pounded, i hate the sensation of the rocking and squeezing it gives your head, I like cutting and punching more. This happens whenever I get angry or it's my time of month, and I just don't stop. I'm rarely in this foul mood, but when I am, it's bad.

Please help, Im only thirteen and I hate what I do to myself, but like the satifaction of the wounds so much more.

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even though you may be scared & not want to tell, but i suggest you tell your parents about this, so they can get you some proper help. This will be only response that I will have for you on this matter. You need to tell someone closer to you, so they can find ways of getting help for you.

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Hey! when you feel like that, go outside and run! find a place that you can just run, and relax and scream as loud as you want, but dont hurt yourself! trust me, screaming and running will feel so much better!

 

Talk to your parents about this, do you have a good relationship with them?

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You need to talk with your parent(s)/guardian about this. I mean, you're at an age where your hormones are all over the place and it takes adjustment for everyone, especially girls. But you've definitely reached a level of concern. I think if you talk with someone close to you they can help figure out the next step to helping you. It may be to the point where medication is in order. It may involve just speaking with a counselor once a week and figuring out why you have these urges.

 

Can you think of an event in your life that may have sparked this sort of behavior? I know that my General Anxiety Disorder has to do with Post-Traumatic Stress involving something that happened when I was eight but only came to terms with in the last few years. If something happened to you in the past, it may help to talk with us, as well as a professional, about it.

 

You will figure this out. I would also definitely take Yates's advice and focus that anger elsewhere by running or screaming into a pillow or something.

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My parents found out, they've been yelling at me, saying that if anyone found out about this I'd be taken away from them becuase they can't protect me... From myself. I think I have GAD aswell as my uh self injury problems, I have all the symptoms. I told my therapist that I used to do it, not that I still do. My parents are freaked out by my 'Behavior' saying I need happy pills and cr.ap, and that I can't do this to myself and that it's wrong. They think I like the pain, I don't. They can hear me punching the walls and haven't let me back in my room for awhile now. If I get angry their scared to let me be in my room by myself. I explained to them I don't cut my wrists, but to them that doesn't matter, they said that it'll lead to it, but I don't think so. If I flex my fingers it hurts, and if anything touches my knuckles it hurts. But I still punch the walls, if I can. I've just resorted to cutting little peices of skin off. I was molested by different people who were close to me. One of my dads best friends, and by my step-dad. I'm not sure that has anything to do with my nature but it could. I've always been messed up, in my head majorly. The incident was tramatic for me and I didn't think of it or speak of it for 7 years. I finally told some people, my parents and therapist(Ive had different ones since I was 10, for bhavior problems, those problems are gone now). Yea, I don't know, thanks for your advice, really.

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For 13, you've been through a lot - don't start blaming yourself for the sins of others! Also, realize that self-injury can be a coping method for serious stress and unhappiness; however, it is a BAD coping method, one that leads to other problems without resolving the underlying problems at hand.

 

Maybe you need counsellors, other outlets, a change of scenery...Your feelings are real and they matter! Your must find ways to come to grips with your pain. Self-injury won't help you in the long-run.

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I know it's been a week or so since you posted last, but I don't come on here as often as I used to. I hope you are figuring things out, or that your parents are helping you. They are just very scared and worried, so please let them do whatever they feel they need to do. My GAD, according to the psychologist, is connected to me being molested as well. It messed with a person more than people realize, I think. More than I realized it would. So far only a few people know about it, and that has more to do with me having forgiven the person than any amount of shame.

 

My point is, you need to do whatever else you can do that does not involve self-injury. It will NOT make you feel better and it will NOT change the past. You need to focus on the constructive, not the destructive. If that means working toward forgiveness to those people AND toward yourself, then speak to whomever you can about reaching that point. I think deep down you blame yourself for what happened and this is your way of punishing yourself. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

 

Medication may be good to get you over the hump. I would start on low dosage and go from there. Continue to talk about it. I cannot stress how important it is for you to talk to someone about it, even if it is just your counselor, or even us. Write down your thoughts. Maybe even look into taking yoga or something. Exercise, meditation and good eating help tremendously with GAD and bouts with depression.

 

We are here for you.

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