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emotionally shut down straight girlfriend


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ok. tell me if im right for ending this.

 

ive been with my GF for almost 9 months. we havent had sex for 7 of those.

i know its not healthy. i never lost the urge with her from my end. but bc im her 1st GF , after 3 months she said it all was so new to her and she was having 'sexuality issues'. i gave her space. tons of it actually. and if i ever brought it up in anyway she would say i was pressuring or pushing her. when i didnt bring it up,it never got dealt with and just sat there.

 

also, we have been fighting alot. about really dumb things at times. one thing i have noticed is she never has really taken responsibility for her end of things. she loves to play the silent treatment. in fact this past week she ignored me for 5 days bc we got in a dumb argument, and i left her house. when i tried to call she didnt call back so i resorted to texting her my apology and explained my end of things. trying to make peace still, no response.

we finally spoke but whenever i tell her how her actions make me feel disrespected she has a keen way of manipulating it to where it is my problem. im either bored bc i have too much time on my hands, or that i naggy, or speculate her every move. i bring up the sex/lack of intimacy and she says it something we have to slowly work on. which i believe on one level but also think that sort of thing requires an action of some sort. it wont just show up one day without 2 people dealing with it together.

 

long story short, we finally decided to end things. i said she was too shut down for me and that i didnt feel safe. which i didnt bc my needs were never being addressed or met. and i was scared to say them to create even more distance.

i personally think ive been with a very selfish person who has only thought about herself and never considered me.

anyone out there reading this diatribe, do you think i made the right move or was i too impatient? would be curious and appreciative to hear what anyone thinks of this.

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Well, you went with your gut and that's all you can do. If you genuinely weren't happy then the relationship has no purpose. For what it's worth, I would have done the same thing.

 

Be interesting to see if she contacts you again though.

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It doesn't sound like it was ever right to begin with, I am not sure why you feel the need to make it all her fault. There isn't much to go on but it doesn't look like problems were dealt with in a constructive and healthy way, and I think you both share responsibility in that. If you are not very good at dealing with conflict, you may be taking that into your next relationship. But anyways it is probably too early to think about that right now.

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i do believe i have my own responsibility in this. i know i contributed to the meltdown. i have my own issues as well. every relationship is 50/50. i would get frustrated with the severe lack of intimacy. it came from feeling unattractive, unnoticed ect.. i didnt always react in a way i should have. ( i never once cheated). but, maybe i should have been more patient. however 7 months into a NEW relationship just seems way to early to be having these sorts of issues.

with that being said, i know i was trying to make her love me throughout these 9 months.

she never said "i love you". she only said it after i would.

when she would kiss me, it was hardly ever passionate. it was those closed mouthed kisses, and those would only last for a few seconds then she would pull away.

when she would come home from work everyday i was never greeted with much warmth. i always got a "whats up?". very disconnected.

we only had serious discussions about our relationship when she was ready to have them. and though i heard time and time again what she wanted, didnt want, was or wasnt ready for. she never once asked me what i needed or wanted. it was more like "if that isnt what can deal with or you cant handle it then maybe we should end things..".

IMO, that is terribly inviting or progessive in a conversation.

i dont believe i was ever cheated on. but i do feel that she had a more passionate connection to men. i knew she got pregnant a few times. the guys never sounded like they were that invested, bc the stories always ended with her in heartbreak bc they did selfish things and checked out on her.

funny enough, it seems we had the same situation but just reversed.

the list can go on.

those are just some things.

im thinking i was maybe a tryout with her since she always was with unavailable men.

 

i guess im just also curious as to why she didnt end things herself. it was always put on me.

any more suggestions? insight?

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The only thing that strikes me is that it seems to be very important to you to somehow justify your actions by making it seem that the only person who is in the wrong was your ex.

 

You'll say sure I accept responsibility, I guess what I did wrong was I wasn't more understanding, or more patient but I wasn't going to put up with all the things that my ex did wrong.

 

If you approach conflicts in relationships as absolute rights and wrongs there can never be a middle-ground, or even a discussion to get to a resolution. The only resolution possible is for your ex to agree with you, that you are right and she is wrong.

 

Maybe nobody was wrong, maybe you just weren't right for each other.

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