Feel like Calling it Quits

[EQIQ]

Have you ever done the wrong thing (in terms of working towards a reconciliation), just because you were tired, and wanted to call it quits?

 

For example, you are attempting LC, receive responses that are neither positive nor negative, but you don't sense interest. You realize you are wasting your time. Instead of keeping things light and fun (like you should), you send a very honest heartfelt message, or make a phone call where you explain exactly what your intentions are, that you realize the person has no interest, and that if she/he has any you are ruining the chances by this very action, but you are just tired and decided to call it quits.

 

Anyone ever done this?

 

I am getting a weird urge of doing this, just ruining any chance I have, so that I will finally forget about this whole thing and have no excuses to hold on to hope any more.

[learning2relax]

The answer is yes. And I will tell you that I would advise against it. Why? Because right now it is impulsive. You may regret it. If you feel this consistently over time - you can then consider doing so.... However, know that you are attempting to provide closure. There is no such thing. You already have it. You can obtain closure on your own without any chance of ruining anything - you never know that even after you have moved past the relationship that sometime in the future you would be open to it. That is the funny thing about this stuff. A friend told me something that I repeat to myself every day - you can't make mistakes if you don't do anything.

 

With my emotions and frustration - there are days where I feel exactly where you are at. Today was one of them. Wanted to send him an email or text today that said - yeah, I am done and over you and moving on. A. this isn't really true, I am just frustrated, B. He already broke up with me so it is already over - why would I repeat that back to him? C. I am not showing him I am moving on if I am telling him this. The best way I could actually show him I am moving on? Not say anything at all and disappear into the sunset.

 

Hang in there.....

[HopefulDrew]

Sounds like you might need to step back for a few days and evaluate where you are at. It has taken a lot to get where you are, don't throw it away just because you were feeling tired one day.

[Mauxly]

Yeah, I do. And yeah, that is exactly why I've been single for a long time.

Resist the urge to act on impulse. You are tired, you are frustrated, you are fearful and you want to feel in control. And in order to feel in control you are willing to sacrifice something important to you. Don't do it. You'll regret it and it sets up a destructive pattern for any relationship in the future.

 

This is what has been working for me. When I feel like this I take control in a different way. I find ways to make myself feel satisfied at that moment. A little self love really works. Get a pedicure, cook yourself a fabulous meal and freeze the leftovers for later, dance around the house to music that you'd be embarrassed to admit to anyone that you actually like. So something constructive to make yourself feel loved by YOU.

 

This really works. It sounds stupid, but it really works.

[vertigoxo]

Yep, I did. After a while, you just give up and start to move on naturally. The hope still stays in our mind, but just in the back of it. It's normal, I think, especially in terms of first loves/longest relationships.

 

But... When they say they're not interested, then it's time to move on. If they change their minds down the road (which will take a while, many months, years even), they will move mountains to try and find you.

[learning2relax]

Yeah, I do. And yeah, that is exactly why I've been single for a long time.

Resist the urge to act on impulse. You are tired, you are frustrated, you are fearful and you want to feel in control. And in order to feel in control you are willing to sacrifice something important to you. Don't do it. You'll regret it and it sets up a destructive pattern for any relationship in the future.

 

Couldn't have said it better! Well stated. I need to text these words to myself and read them when I feel this way! Thanks Trxy!

[EQIQ]

This is what has been working for me. When I feel like this I take control in a different way. I find ways to make myself feel satisfied at that moment. A little self love really works. Get a pedicure, cook yourself a fabulous meal and freeze the leftovers for later, dance around the house to music that you'd be embarrassed to admit to anyone that you actually like. So something constructive to make yourself feel loved by YOU.

 

This really works. It sounds stupid, but it really works.

 

Hey lol, pretty funny point you make there... about me getting a pedicure, wouldn't seem like a very masculine thing to do lol . I do get your point though.

[Mauxly]

Hey lol' date=' pretty funny point you make there... about me getting a pedicure, wouldn't seem like a very masculine thing to do lol . I do get your point though.[/quote']

 

Ooop! I should pay more attention!

However, don't completely write off the pedicure. They are heavenly. You don't need to get pink polish or anything, you can go natural. More and more men are showing up at the place where I get mine, and they are definitely not gay or anything.

 

I think I've almost convinced my boyfriend to get one, and he's about the most manly man I've ever met. Not a thing metro about him. His feet get thrashed because he's an outdoor expedition guide.

 

OK, back to the original subject. Don't give up hope, and don't put all of your emotional eggs in her basket.

[EQIQ]

Yep, I did. After a while, you just give up and start to move on naturally. The hope still stays in our mind, but just in the back of it. It's normal, I think, especially in terms of first loves/longest relationships.

 

But... When they say they're not interested, then it's time to move on. If they change their minds down the road (which will take a while, many months, years even), they will move mountains to try and find you.

 

Well thing is, I have been moving on quite well (about 3 months since break-up). Principally this past month and a half I feel like I moved on a lot. For the first month I used to cry kinda often etc. But besides once this week, it had been about month since I had had any sort of break-down.

 

So I have been healing. Problem is that I think I have too much pride, and maybe an ego problem. I feel that I am such a great guy, I look good, am smart, caring, etc. That it is completely within my power to win her back. So I have this concrete hope in my mind, that all it would take is time and work.

 

But damn, I don't know if I want to waste my time on this, but I feel like if I don't shatter this illusion that I have of being capable of getting whatever I want to get, I won't be able to let go and move on. I don't know...

 

(The punch line of the break-up was "My feelings changed", but lots of underlying issues). Since we broke-up we haven't had any extended talks. Well for 2 months we were strict NC. She did not attempt to contact me, and I did not attempt to contact her either. About 1 month ago, I e-mailed her to clear up something (we have to see each other 2 times a week at some meetings we attend), so I wanted to clear things up if she wanted me to stay completely away from her, or be friendly, etc. What it was she wanted, because I did not want to offend or hurt her, but did not want to make her uncomfortable either.

 

She replied that she was glad I e-mailed, that keeping things friendly is fine, and that I could e-mail her from time to time if I wanted (longer than this, but around these lines). I replied, "alright cya around".

 

I don't even know what I am talking about anymore lol... completely lost my line of thought.. yeah.. I am a bit frustrated. Glad I ain't feeling sad right now though.. just a bit annoyed...

 

Ok, just remembered where I was going with this. So well, now it has been about 1 month since that last e-mail. This Monday I e-mailed her, short and fun, just to test the waters. She replied quickly after, short and fun as well. I guess at this point I got a bit too excited and even though I waited a few hours to reply, I ended up writing too much, and saying some rather dumb things. Like how there is this girl at university that keeps flirting with me, that it is making me feel uncomfortable... blah blah blah. Such a stupid topic to bring up, for no reason whatsoever. And well I wrote too much. Gladly did not say anything TOTALLY stupid like.. "Oh I still love you, think about you everyday.. "etc.. nothing along those lines (thank god, would have made me look pathetic).

 

Soon after she replies, completely ignores any of the dumb stuff I said, did not seem very fun as she had been in the other one. it was kinda dry, about some things we had been talking about (school grades etc). So well, at this point I felt SO dumb. And told myself, "well she is probably annoyed at your stupidity, best leave things alone for a while".

 

So then yesterday night, I reply, short and fun, said a quick sorry for not replying earlier, that I have been very busy with my university courses, etc. Did not bring up anything stupid. Today she replies, and it was short, and did not sense much interest or fun coming from it. So I felt rather disappointed to be honest.

 

Tonight I saw her at our meeting (religious, with about 100 people), we say our hellos, nothing special. Again I did not sense any interest. So at this point I just feel like giving up, why waste my time.... She hasn't explicitly said anything, that she has no interest, etc. But I can sense it, just tired and frustrated. Waste of time...

 

Feel like I might as well call her, express to her clearly my intentions, that I still have feelings for her, that I notice she doesn't for me, that by me calling I am just making things weird, and even making friendship between us awkward and improbable, but I am just tired of playing, and want things out in the open. That if I have no chance, I don't wanna waste my time and emotions anymore. Might as well ruin my chances so that I don't have to deal with this anymore.

[learning2relax]

But damn, I don't know if I want to waste my time on this, but I feel like if I don't shatter this illusion that I have of being capable of getting whatever I want to get, I won't be able to let go and move on. I don't know...

 

You are doing this to gain control. She shattered the illusion when she broke up with you. You are talking about being self destructive to destroy a path back for yourself in an attempt to gain control over the situation. You do this and a few days later, you may regret it.

 

If you don't want to waste your time on it - don't. You don't have to say anything to her in order to stop wasting time on this. Find other ways to redirect yourself away from self sabotaging thoughts and actions.

[EQIQ]

But damn, I don't know if I want to waste my time on this, but I feel like if I don't shatter this illusion that I have of being capable of getting whatever I want to get, I won't be able to let go and move on. I don't know...

 

You are doing this to gain control. She shattered the illusion when she broke up with you. You are talking about being self destructive to destroy a path back for yourself in an attempt to gain control over the situation. You do this and a few days later, you may regret it.

 

If you don't want to waste your time on it - don't. You don't have to say anything to her in order to stop wasting time on this. Find other ways to redirect yourself away from self sabotaging thoughts and actions.

 

Yes I realize that I may regret it later. For sure I wouldn't do this right now, and not even tomorrow, I would wait a while. I guess I will just go NC for a while again, and see what happens. No point in keeping contact if it is going to be this disappointment.

[learning2relax]

I guess I will just go NC for a while again, and see what happens.

 

Suggestion to change your perception/expectations......How about - go NC and work on moving past. The "see what happens" is where you have the expectations which is keeping you stuck and where your frustration and resentment is building to move you to thoughts such as you are having tonight.

 

If you go NC to heal and do it for your own reasons to feel better - if she comes back - it is a nice surprise and you are in a better place. If she doesn't - you are in a better place and you haven't burned your bridges for anything a little further in the future either. Again, you can't make a mistake if you don't do anything.

[Bogdan]

Sometimes this process feels like walking a tightrope- one false move, and you're through. The only thing is, what seems like the right thing to do at the time is so often regretted later, but it's only after you've done it that you realize this. Therefore, doing nothing is the right thing at least for a while, because you can't screw anything up. She knows how you feel- let her be for now.

 

But if you act impulsively right now, you may seriously regret your actions later (e.g. immediately after doing it). Stay away and do something great for yourself and your future, and only then will the time be right to even think about attempting reconciliation, even if you want it now. Don't intentionally thwart yourself- it's just temporary relief.

 

Like me, I'm going away for a while, getting my act together, and if she calls in the meantime, great. If not, I am leaving her alone. She knows how I feel. I've made it clear, and I've apologized. Then, when I'm in fighting shape again, I will make a move. But for now, anything I do or say is hollow because I really have some things to work on. What you say needs substance not of prose, but of reality. I could write her the most beautiful love poem on earth, but again, what does that prove if I haven't improved myself?

 

And if she's a good person and really at one time loved you, don't worry about her forgetting about you.

 

People give others second chances all the time, but you have to earn it. Figure out how to earn it, if you want it. Keep your pride. Don't call it quits.

[EQIQ]

I guess I will just go NC for a while again, and see what happens.

 

Suggestion to change your perception/expectations......How about - go NC and work on moving past. The "see what happens" is where you have the expectations which is keeping you stuck and where your frustration and resentment is building to move you to thoughts such as you are having tonight.

 

If you go NC to heal and do it for your own reasons to feel better - if she comes back - it is a nice surprise and you are in a better place. If she doesn't - you are in a better place and you haven't burned your bridges for anything a little further in the future either. Again, you can't make a mistake if you don't do anything.

 

Yeah, you are right. Just bad week I guess. I guess feeling dumb over that e-mail did not help. I hate making mistakes, I have a hard time getting over my own mistakes, so I guess a lot of this is feeling like I messed things up, so might as well mess them up for good I don't know. Just tired and frustrated I guess, because I keep holding on to hope, when really my focus should be elsewhere.

 

"Again, you can't make a mistake if you don't do anything" Did you take this from SuperDave? Sounds familiar lol. But yes, I agree with that statement.

 

I just replied to her e-mail, but made it even shorter, just to kinda not feel like I left her hanging by not replying. And to leave things in her court. Pretty much, was a "alright I read your e-mail, c ya take care". (but instead of 1 phrase, as like 2-3 lol). And from here I will go NC and try to focus in other things.

[learning2relax]

There you go.....

 

Like you, today is a tough day for me. Friday's are typically bad for me as we were together on the weekends. I thought about sending the negative sabatoging text or email but remember all the words of wisdom here and told to me by a close friend of mine. I was in the car tonight yelling and swearing to no one to get it out instead.

 

He is where he is, I can't change that. I can't blame him for being in a place for whatever reason doesn't allow him to be with me. He is doing for himself right now. I can't solve it for him. I need to let him be and figure it out.

 

Patience......not one of my virtues.....at times very overwhelming, frustrating and downright maddening. But I was in a different place than he was. Maybe he will come back around one day - maybe I will be open to it - maybe I won't.

 

Stay strong and move back towards the positive. That is what I tell myself anyways.....

[luminousone]

EQ, She may just be a nice person who is simply responding on a friendly level. For me, being on a friendly level after a breakup is nearly impossible...

 

Remember, NC is a tool to help you heal and to move on. It is not a game to get her back...

 

If she wanted to be with you she would have told you by now.

 

It is best if you move on... perhaps with the girl who is flirting with you???

[luminousone]

Also, EQ, you could write that email and post it here but don't ever send it to her...

[Tired Tiger]

Just bad week I guess.

 

Ah, see... this is the key right here. A bad day or week is the absolute worst time to make significant decisions and/or actions. Deal with this frustration on your own, as doing what you you were thinking will give you an only temporary sense of relief (at best), and will sabotage a future that hasn't happened yet. Revisit the idea after you've had a good week.

[EQIQ]

EQ, She may just be a nice person who is simply responding on a friendly level. For me, being on a friendly level after a breakup is nearly impossible...

 

Remember, NC is a tool to help you heal and to move on. It is not a game to get her back...

 

If she wanted to be with you she would have told you by now.

 

It is best if you move on... perhaps with the girl who is flirting with you???

 

Yeh she is definitely just responding on a friendly level. Kinda sucks, I would rather she turned into a complete "female dog", and treated me in a way I don't deserve to be treated so that I would have a reason to not ever want to be with her again. So much easier to move on, when you are angry at someone. At least I think so... Sucks that I don't really have a reason to not want anything with her, she is a great girl...........

 

She doesn't want to be with me right now, I know that.

 

And no lol, that girl at university... just no lol. I am pretty sure I could get her if I wanted (I have a friend that keeps bugging me about it....) .

 

But 1) she has a boyfriend, and I wouldn't ever do that to someone else. I would hate a guy to try and sneak his way into into my girl, so I wouldn't do it to someone else. 2) I don't think it is fair on someone for me to start a relationship with them, while I still have feelings for my ex, no need to hurt someone else.

[luminousone]

 

But 1) she has a boyfriend, and I wouldn't ever do that to someone else. I would hate a guy to try and sneak his way into into my girl, so I wouldn't do it to someone else. 2) I don't think it is fair on someone for me to start a relationship with them, while I still have feelings for my ex, no need to hurt someone else.

 

You are one wise man... on both accounts...

[EQIQ]

You are one wise man... on both accounts...

 

Thank you... I guess it is just that common-sense that is not so common anymore. I take no credit for it, had a good upbringing.

[EQIQ]

Ah, see... this is the key right here. A bad day or week is the absolute worst time to make significant decisions and/or actions. Deal with this frustration on your own, as doing what you you were thinking will give you an only temporary sense of relief (at best), and will sabotage a future that hasn't happened yet. Revisit the idea after you've had a good week.

 

Thanks Tiger. Well it is pretty much what I am doing, dealing with my frustration on my own (with the help of ENA ). lol. Had been quite a while I did not start a thread, about 1 month to be exact. Hate how things happen in waves.

 

 

BAD... Less bad... Okay.. bad... okay... good... bad.. BAD... less bad.. Okay... Good.. GREAT!... okay... bad...

 

I guess you get my point... No need to be more annoying than necessary

[EQIQ]

Also, EQ, you could write that email and post it here but don't ever send it to her...

 

If I truly was to ruin things like that, I would be classy about it, and do it over the phone. E-mail just leaves too many loose ends. In-person, would be kinda meh.. no need for the drama. Phone would do good enough, quick, simple, express things as you feel them, hear spontaneous responses, and you get a better sense of what the other person is feeling.

 

So yeah, good thing I think this way, because I am kinda uncomfortable talking on the phone (always have been, even like setting up plans to go play soccer with friends or anything lol), so it makes me less inclined to do something stupid.

[sickoflosing]

Man i feel exactly this way too. like doing something intentional jsut to be done with it. i havent yet but still i keep on desiring it more and more.

[EQIQ]

You know what man, just kinda thought about it a bit more (today head is clearer), and it is not worth it to give them that taste of victory. Or at least , for us to give them the idea that we accept defeat. No point in lowering myself further, I have a name and pride to live up to. Just gonna go NC again and stop wasting my time.