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help with Fiance's crazy ex!


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First of all maybe some background?

 

I work for a non-profit...almost 3 years ago my agency started working on project with the local fire department. The firefighter I worked closely with was cute, funy, smart, amazing, etc...BUT we were both in relationships so I ignored the spark we clearly had and when the project ended, we went our separate ways.

 

About 9 months later I ran into him at function. We were both single, and had been for 9 months. After talking, we figured out that we had both ended things with our exes pretty soon after meeting because we hadn't felt the same way about them as we did about eachother. We began dating, after a year he asked me to marry him, and our wedding is is June. This have been perfect EXCEPT....his ex-girlfriend will not leave us alone.

 

When we first started dating, she would still try to call him, show up where he was going to be, try to guilt him into meeting with her, etc. He made it clear that he was with me, that they were over, and he was sorry he hurt her but she needed to move on. She resisted at first....she even sent me emails and bad mouthed me around town. She told people that I had begun sleeping with him while they were still together, and called me a homewrecker, even though they were not living together or married.

 

He finally had had enough and called her and told her to knock it off in no uncertain terms. She stopped, began dating someone else, and appeared to move on......

 

Then, when we got engaged she snapped. She started stalking us again, she began spreading rumors, she even contacted my ex, with whom I am on good terms, and tried to coerce him into "working against me".

 

Finally, when she broke into our house to leave him love notes, we had enough and took out a restraining order. Last night, she left him a Valentine's Day card and roses on his car while he was at work. He wants to call the police and have her arrested for violating the restaining order. I am hesitant to do this though, for one, I kind of feel bad for her. She has had a rough life and I think the only happiness she has known was when she was with him. I am also afraid that putting her in jail will only make her more angry and that she could become violent when she is released. I could easily see her coming after me physically. I say maybe we should ignore her for a couple of weeks, and maybe she'll move on again.

 

Any thoughts? Does anyone have experience with this? Sorry it is so long.....

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Even though she had a rough life, she's an adult, and that doesn't excuse what she's doing. You're only hurting yourself by not reporting her when she violated the restaining order, since this is giving her permission to do as she pleases, without having any consequences. Why bother getting a restaining order, if you refuse to follow it?

 

Also, how did she get your e-mail address?

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Report it.

 

She doesn't sound like she's going to move on if you ignore her - presumably you've already tried that for some time.

 

Has your boyfriend tried tough love? Ringing her up and telling her to leave him alone, he doesn't love her and he never will? It sounds mean but if you're that worried about this girl then maybe she needs a short sharp shock.

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I guess I thought the restraining order would be enough to keep her away. Now that I know she is willing to risk jail to contact him, I feel like she is capable of anything. I am scared that if we have her arrested she will become angry and lash out.

 

It is really scaring me....she is clearly totally unhinged.

 

 

He has tried being blunt with her....it seemed to work but after our engagement she went nuts again.

 

It is my work email, it is listed on the website for my work.

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As someone who has experience with stalkers, I have to say...call the cops. She's not about to get over this without some outside intervention. If you let it slide, she'll become bolder. Not to say she'd do this, but what if she showed up at his house in the middle of the night- when you're both there...with a knife or a gun? This woman is unstable, and I would not take a chance with her. Take care...

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I agree...report her to the police. She has a restraining order for a reason, if you don't report this, the police will never know. You have to do this to let the police track her violations or a restraining order is just a useless piece of paper. Be careful. I agree that this woman sounds very unstable.

 

Good luck & God Bless

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Thanks...he called the police this afternoon and reported her. The police said since she left stuff with her handwriting on his car they can prove she violated the order. They also recommended saving any texts she sends, and telling them right away. There is currently a warrent out for her arrest, but to my knowledge she has not yet been arrested.

 

She does not have any children with my fiance, thank god!!! The were together for two years, but never had children or lived together. It is so scary to me that she is reacting like this....he says that she was sometimes moody when they were together but never exhibited any possessive, jealous, or stalking behaviors. It is so strange, and I can't help but feel sorry for her. She is a very beautiful, well-educated, and sucessful woman and it is awful that this is how she is choosing to behave.

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