1st Official Date

[Gentry_2000]

Theirs. Not mine. She is going out with him tonight. She says it may work out, it may not. You may remember, for me 'it's too late.'

 

Looking back at past e-mails last week it looks like she was wanting me to step in. To say I didn't feel as negative or ambivilent as she perceived. She reached out to me for many random reasons. To return a valentine's gift (why tell me you are doing this, just return it). To thank me for a movie pass (I didn't need the update). To come to my house to pick up boots (I'm sure she could have worn other shoes if need be for her night on the town).

 

I just wish she had told me, "I need you to say that you don't feel that way." Instead of all these innocuous clues. I mean she had told me a few days before she couldn't do this anymore. I took her at her word and reacted to all these contacts casually, not addressing anything as she had appeared to be clear. But now, I can't help but thinking there were alterior motives. She wanted me to give her a reason to stay. Let her know that her perceptions were wrong.

 

So, the 1st date. It's tonight. I have so much anxiety. I want to step in. Say something. I don't want there to be any further feelings between them. I don't want them to get intertwined further. She says her heart is broken. I want to tell her, "if so, if you still have these feelings with us, don't do it. Take time. Think of what I said. It's genuine. Slow down. There's still plenty here to sort out."

 

That's what I want to do. What I will do, probably nothing. The same thing I did last week as I let the clues slide and our relationship evaporate. It's hard to figure out sometimes when to take action and when not to. It's become a game...that the last thing I want with my (former?) best friend.

 

Can anybody make sense of this?

[phaze]

I think your reading too much into her messages. NC is really the only way to go here. She has already stated "it's too late". You stepping in between her date or future bf will only help her further it. There are two threads you really need to read. One is created by SuperDave about getting your ex back. It's long but relevant. There was one guy that gave status on the NC process and how his ex would contact him and the outcome when he responded or didn't. The other thread is on rebound relationships and reverse psychology. Particularly read the post quoted here, originally by Zorba:

 

I finally feel like I'm nearly healed and being here I can see the advice given on ENA is spot on. We all start out thinking our situation is unique enough to justify not doing NC or doing things differently than others recommend. Trust me, follow the advice of the consensus. I didn't and it may be too late for me but I didn't come accross ENA until I made some critical mistakes in patching the relationship the first time around and the second I did the whole "but my situation is unique" thing. It's not too late for you, trust the others, they are working on your behalf.

[pumpkinmoon]

you wanna do it? then do it. I dont know much about your story but if you think she is wanting you to tell her not to go, then give it one last stab. Text her what you wrote above and see what the outcome is. If it is negative, that's your cue to move on.

[Gentry_2000]

It seems one of those damned if you do, damned if you don't scenarios.

 

If I do get in touch, all indications are the reaction is going to be negative. It could also lead to further angst and drive her further away as I am getting in the way of her choices.

 

If I don't get in touch, I wonder if it really will be too late. That it will set the wheels in motion for them...something that just may (albeit will unlikely) be avoided by speaking up to alter her perception.

 

I did state to her how I felt in our marathon Messenger session. It had no effect insofar as bottom line as she felt I was acting in panic, and that given the situation, I was saying 'all the things' she'd 'always wanted to hear from me' just in order to manipulate the situation. I did not mention my perception that I may have overlooked all clues prior to her outing with this other guy (the exact outing that we were planning for ourselves just days prior).

[Gentry_2000]

The weekend started out promising. Late Friday night I received a text and a number of phone calls from my ex. I turned off my phone, because I was concerned that alcohol may have been involved from her end and I figured whatever she wanted could be discussed in the morning.

 

The text stated something to the effect that 'the one time I need you, you're not available." The message, not so positive, but the fact that she was reaching out at that time, maybe more so.

 

Anyhow, the next morning, she basically nullified any effect in a follow up text apologizing for getting in touch. I replied that my phone was off. She texted again, "Sorry."

 

Then immediately a follow up call. This is the first time we had spoken since getting the final relationship KO in a Messenger conversation. She told me the situation, that I was 'right' about a certain group of people in her life, and I stated I was sorry for the situation she found herself in the night before. There was a long pause and then she said 'have a good weekend.' That was that, all of 45 seconds.

 

I have heard nothing since. Again, since this is the first weekend she is going on official 'dates' with the other guy, I'm pretty anxious.

 

I keep thinking that there are things to say/do prior to the rebound relationship solidifying. Anyhow, I'm afraid to take the wrong step and afraid to take no step at all.

[minou]

Stop tormenting yourself. Take action. She keeps reaching out. she may be trying to make you jealous with this other guy. Women do it all the time. If you really want to give it another go with this woman go for it while you still can. What do you have to lose? If it's a no go, you know you tried. You take a step back and work on healing and letting go. do you see how many people here are longing to have the x reach out? She keeps reaching out. Be there, fully. If she's not there with you, let it go, and ask her to stop calling you.

[Gentry_2000]

Yes, she is reaching out, but never for any reason except to ask some random question. There is nothing indicating that she is reconsidering our relationship. Instead, it appears she just wants to see if she'll get a response.

 

Last night I received two more texts. The first asked if I was watching the football game (of which, she unquestionably knew the answer was 'yes'). The follow up question was whether I was still out of town (of which she also knew the answer as I told her I would contact her once back in town). If she wants something she should say it...otherwise, the communication is very misleading.

 

I have answered these texts as a courtesy...usually one or two word answers. I just don't feel I should open the door further until/unless she actually wants to discuss possible reconcilation. The rest appears to be a powerplay.

 

I mean, I did state my feelings in full upon our final communcation last Wednesday. She did say she was going to be seeing what plays out with this guy she is interested in. It just doesn't appear as though that following up again within less than a week will garner anything other than a negative response. On the other hand why would she send these random texts literally every day since our final chat?

[phaze]

If you're interested in being with her again, you need to stop responding to her text messages, etc. Again, read the threads I mentioned earlier and it will all become clear.

[Gentry_2000]

So, taking the advice of a poster, I ignored two texts today. The second text asked, "are you not going to talk to me anymore?" That text was followed up with a call. Then I dropped the ball. I answered the call. I was ready for another 45 second session. It lasted hours. Absolutely kicking myself thereafter. I didn't do anything dramatic or ask for any action to be taken, but I did again state my position. In doing so, the dynamics changed.

 

The phone call started with her concern that our communication may end. It ended with her again comfortable in her position...and while she said she wanted for us to be together, she also said it was not in cards. She still wanted to pursue the situation with the other guy. More of 'it's too late' and that they had 'gone too far.' I stated that I had no control over the situation and choices she made. I could only do what I can to improve my own situation, and if that progress can later be applied to our reconciled relationship down the road, great. I think in saying that I was almost condoning her action with the other guy...I mentioned that reconcilations occur all the time and both parties have to be able to accept what occurred while apart. I'm not happy with the situation, but again I was honest in that I realized that the decisions are hers.

 

Back to square one. Upsetting to sacrifice the progress that was made. Hope this hasn't ruined the chances altogether.