Jump to content

Why did my ex cut off contact after sex?


Recommended Posts

If you have read my other thread, you will know that I recently ended a year long relationship. It got me thinking about my other failed relationships, and about the "one who got away".

 

This ex and I broke up about 7 years ago. He had been accepted to med school, and I had moved away from my friends and family and quit a job I loved to move away with him. One night I came home and he told me he didnt' love me and I needed to find a new place to live. I cried all night, and the next morning packed up all my stuff and moved back home.

 

After that we didnt' talk for 7 years. I thought about him a lot though, despite the bad ending, our 5 year relationship was both the longest and best relationship I have ever had. I googled him and sent him an email saying hello and asking what he was up to.

 

To my surprise, he sent me an email back and said he had moved back my town. We agreed to meet for drinks to catch up. The night went surprisingly well, and I still felt that spark. Over the course of the next two weeks, he asked me to do several things, go to dinner, go to the movies, etc. We had fun, but it seemed like more of a friendship than a rekindling of our relationship. There was no kissing or physical affection, but I enjoyed his company and was happy to have him back in my life.

 

One night he asked me to come over to his house for dinner. We were sitting on his couch talking when suddenly he kissed me. We ended up having sex. After sex we talked, but did not address what it had "meant" for either of us. I stayed for another couple of hours, but eventually had to leave because I needed to get home to my new puppy.

 

The next day I sent him a text message telling him about the damage the puppy had done to my apartment while I was at his house. He responed "LOL". I waited to see if he would contact me again, but he did not. The only contact I have had with him since the sex is him sending me email forwards, and giving me "pokes" on facebook. He did send a personal email once to give me some puppy housebreaking advice, but did not ask to see me.

 

Why would he do this? After a 5 year relationship, and hanging out as friends for two weeks, so I really mean so little to him that he would use me for sex? That is the only conclusion I can reach and it hurts.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could be that after sleeping with you, he realised he had deeper feelings for you beyond friendship, but since your relationship didn't work out last time he isn't willing to put himself in the position of falling for you all over. He thought he could handle it, he can't, so he's backed off. He doesn't want to lose you entirely so he's still maintaining some minor contact, but ultimately he's decided he won't go down that road again.

 

On the other hand - is it all possible he had a girlfriend at the time and realised he couldn't be friends with you anymore since he felt something for you and didn't want to end up having a proper affair?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's a difficult one. Why did the relationship originally fail, that is to say why do you think he said he didn't love you any more?

 

It could be that he remembers the good times and your sex life with great fondness, and still has feelings for you, but is now worried he will become entangled again in things he didn't like about the original relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He did not have a girlfriend. We talked about the end of his prior relationship. I didn't get details, but it sounded like she had turned out to be a bit of a nut and it had ended bady about 5 months before I emailed him. I didn't ask specifically, but got the inpression that he was no longer in contact with her.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's a difficult one. Why did the relationship originally fail, that is to say why do you think he said he didn't love you any more?

 

It could be that he remembers the good times and your sex life with great fondness, and still has feelings for you, but is now worried he will become entangled again in things he didn't like about the original relationship.

 

I don't really know exactly why he stopped loving me. We had been fighting a lot, but to me it seemed like the normal amount of conflict that would arise from us moving to a new city together, and him starting med school which is obviously very stressful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since you consented, he didn't use you. I would have handled it differently, and not made the choice to sleep with him, unless we were back in an established relationship, and as you stated, you were only "hanging out as friends for 2 weeks." Just because you had sex, it did not automatically mean you were back together in that sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since you consented, he didn't use you. I would have handled it differently, and not made the choice to sleep with him, unless we were back in an established relationship, and as you stated, you were only "hanging out as friends for 2 weeks." Just because you had sex, it did not automatically mean you were back together in that sense.

 

I know. I feel like an idiot for doing this....as it is very out of character for me. I think I got caught up in the moment and when he kissed me it brought back all of my old feelings for him. If this were someone I had met recently and did not have the history with I would never have had sex that suddenly.

 

That said, I am not saying he "used" me because I didn't consent...I am feeling that due to our history, he at least owes me an explanation, no? Or, knowing that we had once been in love, he should have avoided sleeping with me if all he wanted was sex.

 

I am happy for you that would would have had the fortitude to resist and not make the choice I did, but unfortunately I got caught up in my emotions and am now terribly hurt.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sex with your ex sounds like fun (it can create a pretty nice thrill) but it also confuses things. It is possible that he realized after it happened that he shouldnt have done it. Its not that he doesnt care about you, in fact, maybe he cares TOO much to maintain a sexual relationship with you without commitment to eachother. He's a man who broke at the opportunity to sleep with you but, trust me, ive had it happen to me, a man can realize that sex with an ex only complicates matters and its always best to walk away and leave that chapter of your life behind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't really know exactly why he stopped loving me. We had been fighting a lot, but to me it seemed like the normal amount of conflict that would arise from us moving to a new city together, and him starting med school which is obviously very stressful.

 

But you never actually sat down and discussed it? He just walked out? That's a shame after such a long relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But you never actually sat down and discussed it? He just walked out? That's a shame after such a long relationship.

 

He wouldn't discuss it that night. He would only say that there was no one else, but he just didn't love me. By the time I made the 2 day drive home with all of my belongings, I was pretty much done, and so angry I felt it best to avoid him. He did sent an apology email about 2 years later, but at that time I was not wanting to resume contact so I didnt' respond. The email didn't offer any information either, it just said he hoped I was doing well, and he was sorry for hurting me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He wouldn't discuss it that night. He would only say that there was no one else, but he just didn't love me. By the time I made the 2 day drive home with all of my belongings, I was pretty much done, and so angry I felt it best to avoid him. He did sent an apology email about 2 years later, but at that time I was not wanting to resume contact so I didnt' respond. The email didn't offer any information either, it just said he hoped I was doing well, and he was sorry for hurting me.

 

Do you think that your relationship perhaps was ultimately one of convenience? Sounds like you weren't that emotionally intimate or close.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you think that your relationship perhaps was ultimately one of convenience? Sounds like you weren't that emotionally intimate or close.

 

No. We went though a lot together, a car accident, his stuggle with addiction, the death of his sister, my battle with depression, etc. Through it all we were emotionally supportive and became very, very close. At the same time, I didn't feel like his emotional crutch, and he never gave any indication that he felt like mine.

 

We had a lot of great time and joy together as well. I have never dated anyone who could make me laugh as much as he could. We had talked about marriage (he initiated the conversation), but I was hesitant to take that step his first year of med school. We considered ourselves kind of "informally engaged" if that makes sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something else has occurred to me......

 

I have a thryroid disorder, and due to an illness, stress, and changes in my medication I have lost a lot of weight. At the time that I slept with him, I was probably about 10 lbs thinner than when we were dating, and a little underweight.

 

Do you think he cut it off because he was physcially repulsed by my skinny frame?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Something else has occurred to me......

 

I have a thryroid disorder, and due to an illness, stress, and changes in my medication I have lost a lot of weight. At the time that I slept with him, I was probably about 10 lbs thinner than when we were dating, and a little underweight.

 

Do you think he cut it off because he was physcially repulsed by my skinny frame?

 

You'll drive yourself crazy if you keep thinking about it. Like I said, it could be any number of reasons.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This might come accross to you wrong, but here is my mindset with women sometimes.... You respect a woman as much as she respects herself. If she lets you feel her up, then you go right ahead and do it. If she doesnt, then you back off. He is not your boyfriend and owes you no explanation for his actions. You gave in. I think what is happening here is that you are expecting and assuming that he needs to explain this to you, but as crude as it sounds, he really doesn't owe you anything. The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I am just different, or old-fashioned, but in my opinion if you have been spending time with someone, sleep with them, but then decide you don't want to see them again you owe them an explanation.

 

I have had to do this with guys when I realized after sex that I didn't want more. I didn't enjoy having to tell them I wasn't into them, but I did it because I am a descent person. I disagee that he doesn't owe you an explanation. It wasn't like you met him a bar and went home drunk together.

 

He is not obligated to ever see you again, BUT if he were a nice guy he would tell you why. I think in light of this recent thing, plus the way he dumped you you should consider yourself lucky you are not with him. He sounds selfish and cold.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also recently slept with my ex (2 months ago) and similarly to you, this is out of character for me, but I wanted it and it somehow did not feel wrong because you've been with that person before. It was great and I felt that he missed me too, but we never discussed what happened and if it meant anything to us, it sure did for me. He told me to call him, that we will hang out, I got scared and did not do it, I wanted him to call. Like you, I am trying to figure this puzzle and I can't. There's no way we can tell what's going on in their heads. Someone wrote to you that he may not have called because he does not want to commit. I am sorry. I am in your shoes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This might come accross to you wrong, but here is my mindset with women sometimes.... You respect a woman as much as she respects herself. If she lets you feel her up, then you go right ahead and do it. If she doesnt, then you back off. He is not your boyfriend and owes you no explanation for his actions. You gave in. I think what is happening here is that you are expecting and assuming that he needs to explain this to you, but as crude as it sounds, he really doesn't owe you anything. The sooner you accept this, the better off you will be.

 

Crude but true.

 

He is YOUR "the one that got away." But you are not his. You were in a lower status position with him since he rejected you. You reached out to him and you didn't set sexual limits with him. Like it or not, a lot of guys will go with their hormones and then think about what happened AFTERWARDS. I bet he knew he didn't want to commit to you and it has nothing to do with your body or anything else. He didn't call because he didn't want to explain that he's not interested in a relationship.

 

Just chaulk it up as a lesson learned my dear.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...